Question to a psychologist
*For as long as I can remember, I have always had this feeling.
As a child, I envied my girlfriends if they had better toys. And now I envy married girls. I am 31, I am not married and have no one yet.
My friends are married, they have children. I'm alone. Today I burst into tears when I found out that my friend's husband gave an expensive gift for his 30th birthday. And I have no one to give. And it started: not married, no one needs it, and so on and so forth. That is, I don’t need the same gift myself, but a gift as an indicator of what they love, what they need, what they have to give and whom to love.
I feel like a failure and worthless to myself, since I live alone and did not suit anyone until the age of 31. To be honest, I don't want to live simply.
Psychologists Answers
Hello Saniya.
Envy can be called the engine of progress if it is creative, for example, it has good things and I want even better and strive for this. It is bad when a person thinks that he has it, let it not be that he suffers. People call them white and black envy. In general, you are a normal girl, and if you look around, you will understand that there are hundreds of men in your city who want to be loved and happy. Many did not have their first families, someone became a widow, someone became interested in a career and there was no time, no time for dating. You are still free because you are waiting his man. You just now really understood what you want, a loved one.
Now take a piece of paper and write: I tell the Universe (God, Nature, Egregor...) the features of my ideal man: He is kind, with a sense of humor, caring........Then, when you list the qualities that are important for you, write below:
I'm pretty, educated, a good cook.... write what is good in you, as if it were not written by you, but by a sister who loves you. It is very important to write more of your good traits.
When you have a desire, get this record and read, thus programming your subconscious to meet your man, and even then you will not miss it. And a good smile works wonders. Good luck to you!
Good answer 1 bad answer 1What to do with envy?
1. Stop constantly compare yourself to other people in terms of "better" or "worse". A healthy comparison: "the way I am today" and "the way I was a year (two, ten years, etc.) ago."
2. Remind yourself often that you are you, this is your destiny and your life. You can't live it for another person. The experience of other people can and should be used, especially if they have achieved success in an area that is important to you. Try to analyze: what allowed a person to succeed, what qualities, what actions. But you will still use some of this experience in your own way.
3. Try to look at things objectively. Usually, when we are jealous, we idealize the achievements of another person. For example, we completely lose sight of the fact that it took him 12 years to achieve success, and we want to have what he has now in a year. Many things have their price, and we do not always know about it, but judge only by what we see.
4. Learn to enjoy what you have and appreciate it.
5. The best cure for envy is to increase your self-esteem.
How to increase your self-esteem
Good answer 1 bad answer 0Good evening Saniya! Absolutely all people have envy, someone does not recognize it and rejects it, someone realizes it like YOU! And this is very important, you yourself understand that you have this feeling! The second positive signal is that you are not just aware of its presence, but have written and asked for help. What to do with envy? Here, you have already passed the two main stages yourself, awareness and search for a solution! And then start with self-love, look at yourself in the mirror, and begin to confess your love to yourself, right down to every mole, wrinkle, smile, compliment every cell of your body, let it feel your love. Sit comfortably, lie down so that you are comfortable and imagine your envy, how it looks, where it lives inside you, in what place, try to talk to her, ask forgiveness from your body and yourself that you have to experience this feeling ! At first glance, this seems ridiculous, but it works, and not only in relation to envy, but also in rethinking one's life, needs, and when choosing a man. You can read the description of this technique in more detail in the books of Luule Viilma, which describes how to deal with envy, how to let it out of yourself, how to learn to forgive, live happily, in these books you will find answers to many of your questions! I think this is exactly what you need! Harmony and spiritual strength to you!
Good answer 1 bad answer 0 
Envy ...... Do you love yourself? Do you accept yourself completely and completely with all your strengths and weaknesses? sure no...
Self-love is a way of life, habits, the ability to make yourself happy. This is when a person does what he likes, when he becomes his own best friend.
Self-love means total acceptance of yourself and your shortcomings. When a person comes to terms with his individual characteristics, he gains strength, and in the future he can use it to transform his negative qualities into virtues.
Self-love is the absence of critical remarks in your address. Why waste your energy on self-flagellation and condemnation. It is much more useful to use it for your own good, replacing criticism with approval. It is important to support yourself in any situation, to praise yourself for any success.
Loving yourself means taking care of the most precious treasure you have - your body. Feed him delicious, healthy food. Wear clothes that you enjoy wearing. Give your body the rest and physical activity it needs. Treat yourself the way you want your loved ones to treat you. Give yourself flowers, indulge and indulge yourself with various gifts.
Meditate, visualize, use positive thoughts. Rejoice and enjoy every moment of life. Be happy!
Good answer 2 bad answer 0Hello! Please tell me what to do: I am very, very envious. It just kills me. I am forced to refuse to communicate with acquaintances, friends. It’s hard for me to be insincere (to hide my envy). The fact that there are many envious people, and Mozart also envied Salieri, somehow does not reassure. My envy clings to everything that is possible (someone's achievements, appearance, and much more), and I myself have achieved a lot in my life. But all the time it seems that someone is better! Teach me how to treat people who are superior to me in some way. I already have a neurosis on this basis. ”
TheSolution psychologist's answer:
Your mistake is that you mentally compare yourself with other people. When you look at someone else's appearance, it seems to you better than your own. When you see someone's accomplishments, you don't notice the enormous years of hard work and unparalleled effort put in by that person, but you envy their triumph.
In your case, the feeling of envy is most likely of a neurotic nature.
In fact, with envy, you are trying to solve a problem that deeply traumatized you as a child. Most likely, you did not receive respect, acceptance, love, care, as you should have. Your personal development is inhibited, and your personal potential is not revealed. You lack the psychological knowledge and skills to live comfortably. At the moment, you are reproducing what are known as cognitive impairments and are striving to follow the negative "be the best" driver. You are trying to magically gain acceptance. It seems to you that in order to be accepted and loved, you “must” be perfect. How to understand whether you are perfect or not, the best or not? Young children solve this problem in the same way: they make an early childhood negative decision to compare themselves with other people.
The habit of comparing yourself to others undermines your self-esteem.
Every time you compare yourself to another person, your inner child experiences a sense of fear: “Will I be accepted? Will they admire me? Would they consider it ideal? And if the comparison is not in your favor, you turn on an internal critical monologue about how bad, guilty and unworthy you are.
A person's self-esteem is formed in a favorable way when he is sure that he has something to praise for. If you are constantly looking for flaws in yourself, then you are repeating the parental pattern of bad attitude towards you. Try to write down on a piece of paper what you think about yourself in moments of comparison. After reading the list of words and phrases of self-criticism, you will be very surprised. The phrases with which you will scold yourself will be an exact copy of the phrases of your "favorite" relatives or teachers-educators. The habit of comparing yourself to other people may also have been instilled in you by your parents. Maybe they even scolded you in this way: “But the Petrovs have a daughter ...., but you (name calling) - no. » If you were scolded, criticized, humiliated and compared to other children, then you could learn to reproduce this thought pattern in a cyclical way, on your own.
Stop mentally comparing yourself to other people. Say: "Stop."
Allow yourself to be unique. You have your own path that you need to go through in this life. Start praising yourself and set your own goals. Do not evaluate the life and achievements of other people - they have their own way
Raise the level of personal maturity. Learn to think like Psychologically mature, authentic individuals sincerely rejoice in the success of other people, because they do not feel humiliated by the success of other people. Self-esteem of authentic personalities is based on their own achievements, on self-confidence.
Learn from those who are superior to you. Authentic people perceive the experience of communicating with a superior person in any way as a priceless gift. Authentic people tend to learn new skills from those who are better, who have moved further along the path of self-development.
Today I will answer a question how to get rid of envy stop envying people. Envy is a common vice that is reflected in various cultures and traditions. For example, in Catholic theology, envy is one of the seven deadly sins associated with other vices and crimes.
Indeed, because of envy, many terrible deeds are committed, which people later regret. But even if a person does not splash out envy, then it eats him from the inside, causing him to experience meaningless pain and frustration due to the fact that other people have things that this person would like to have or have personal qualities that the envious person wants to have.
This pain is meaningless because it leads to nothing but suffering. Envy, dissatisfaction, which is known in comparison with other people, does not bring us closer to what we envy so much: money, attention, social status, external attractiveness. Instead of sharing the joy of success with another person or using his example as a life lesson, we envy, subconsciously wish him failure, cultivate hatred for ourselves and suffer ourselves.
But the insidiousness of envy lies not only in the fact that it causes other vices, such as hatred, intolerance, irritation and despondency. The fact is that envy is unsatisfactory. No matter how rich we are, someone will still be richer than us. If we get a lot of attention from the opposite sex, then in any case, we will someday meet people who are more physically attractive than us. And if we are the undoubted leader in one thing, then there will always be people who will surpass you in something else. The outer world will not allow us to finally satisfy our sense of envy.
How to stop being jealous of people
All this does not mean that this feeling cannot be got rid of. But in order to do this, it is necessary to direct the impact on the very mental mechanisms of the appearance of this feeling, and not on the objects of the external world that supposedly cause this feeling. After all, the causes of all your emotions and desires lie within you. I hope this article will help you overcome these reasons. I will tell you how you need to work on yourself in order to achieve this.
1 - Don't feed your envy
Many people, when they begin to envy, instinctively try to stop envy in the following way. For example, they are offended by the fact that their neighbor has more money than they do. To cope with this feeling, they begin to think: “So what if he is richer? But I’m smarter, I got a better education and my wife, although not as beautiful, is younger than his.”
Such arguments cool envy a little and allow you to feel a more worthy and developed person than your neighbor, whose wealth must have been ill-gotten.
This is the natural way of thinking of a person experiencing envy. Many psychological articles give advice in the same vein: “Think about your strengths and good qualities. Find something that makes you better than other people!”
Also, such sources recommend looking for what lies behind the external well-being of the object of envy, offering to pacify your envy by thinking that things may not be as good for the people you envy as they seem from the outside.
Perhaps your neighbor's wealth does not come easy, he has to invest a lot of effort and, most likely, he does not even have time to spend all this money. And his wife, perhaps, has the character of a bitch and takes out all her anger on a neighbor when he returns from a tedious job.
In my opinion, such advice does not serve the purpose of eliminating envy, although it would seem that they correspond to common sense considerations. Why do I think so?
Because when you're trying to deal with your envy in a similar way, you go on pandering to it, feeding it. After all, you do not force this "demon" of envy to shut up. Instead, you politely reassure him with a sense of your own superiority over others, or the knowledge that outsiders are not doing as well as they seem. Is it possible to defeat this "demon"? After all, he will gratefully swallow these arguments, but he will become full only for a while!
It's the same as throwing a bone to a hungry and vicious dog so that he will occupy his mouth with something and stop barking and gnawing the bars of the cage in which he sits. But sooner or later he will gnaw the bone anyway. She will not satisfy his appetite, but only excite him even more! And his fangs will become sharper, sharpening on the bone.
Therefore, I believe that one should not feed one's envy with such exhortations. This does not mean that you should consider yourself worse than others in everything. It means simply accepting what is, not wishing any people to fail and not putting yourself above others.
The "demon" of envy will die only when you stop feeding it the fruits from the tree of your self-importance.
I have to apply this principle in my life quite often. For example, I notice that my friend has a great sense of humor, much better than mine. I instinctively begin to think: “but, I speak and express my thoughts better than him ...”. But then I interrupt myself: "Stop! No "but". My friend just has a better sense of humor than me. That is the fact. And that's all."
This calm acceptance that someone is better than you at something without any "indulgences" from your ego requires a certain amount of courage. But this is the only way to defeat your vice and starve the "demon" of envy.
Of course, this alone is not enough. Probably, not everyone will understand how to come to this. Further, I will try to give other tips that will help you, without unnecessary emotions, admit that you are not an ideal person and that there are people who are better than you in some way. I don't want to say that you have to put up with it completely and not improve your qualities. Not at all. I will also discuss in this article how self-development has to do with envy. But first things first.
2 - Get rid of the sense of justice
Envy is often associated with our ideas of justice. It seems to us that our neighbor (long-suffering) does not deserve the money that he earns. You should earn this kind of money, because you are smart, educated, intelligent, not like your neighbor, who is not interested in anything but beer and football, and you even doubt whether he graduated from school.
Dissatisfaction is born due to the discrepancy between reality and your expectations., frustration. But it is important to understand that ideas about justice exist only in your head! You think: “Actually, I should be earning more than I get.” Who should? Or why should they? The world exists according to its own laws, which do not always correspond to your concepts of right and wrong, fair and unfair.
This world doesn't "owe" you anything. Everything in it happens as it happens and in no other way.
When you start thinking about an injustice done to you, you look at it from the angle of those things that are not in you, but are present in someone else and are the objects of your envy. But at the same time, for some reason, you do not think about those things that you already possess.
You ask: “Why don’t I have such an expensive car as my neighbor, where is justice?”
But you don't ask, “Why do I have a house and someone doesn't? Why can I even desire this car at all, and some people are born disabled, with severe physical limitations and cannot even think about women or cars?
Why don't you ask where is the justice in the latter case? Do you really think that injustice is only done to you?
Such is the world. It does not always meet our expectations. Get rid of all "shoulds". .
3 - Wish people well
Learn to celebrate the success of others and not suffer because of them. If your friend or loved one has achieved some kind of success, then that's good! This is a person close to you, to whom you probably wish good and prosperity, because you feel sympathy or love for him (otherwise he would not be your friend).
And it's just fine if this friend bought himself a new apartment in Moscow or married a smart and beautiful woman. Try to be happy for him! Of course, when you try to do this, you will be met with a sense of injustice: “Why does he have it and I don’t?”
Instead, think that at least one of you has something and it's better than if none of you had it.
"I" and other "I"
Many human vices come from we cling very strongly to our "I", believing that the desires, thoughts, needs of this "I" are much more important than the needs of someone else's "I".
And envy also comes from this attachment. We believe that the fact that we have or do not have some things matters much more than whether other people have these things. Technically, it makes no difference who drives an expensive Jeep, you or your neighbor. Just a jeep belongs to someone and someone uses it. But from within your "I" this fact becomes of great importance. It is important for you that this jeep is yours, it is you, your “I” that enjoys driving it, and not the “I” of someone else! There is nothing surprising here. It is nature that has made man such that he puts his own "I" at the center of all existence.
But this does not mean that this order of things is final and unchanging. People very rarely think about the following thing: “why is my happiness and satisfaction so much more important than the happiness and satisfaction of another person?” If they thought about it more often, then, in my opinion, they would have a chance to understand that their "I" is not the most important thing in the world, that other people are different "Selves", each of which is something wants just like you, strives for something just like you, suffers and rejoices just like you.
And this understanding should open the way for a person to empathy and empathy, which will allow him to share someone else's joy and better understand someone else's suffering. This is not just some kind of moral ideal, it is a way to stop clinging to our own desires as the most important thing in the world and gain independence from these desires and from the fact that we can not satisfy all desires.
The more a person considers his "I" the most important thing in the world, the more he suffers.
5 - Think about development!
It happens that envy appears for the reason that other people's successes and virtues remind us of our own imperfections and shortcomings. Against the background of other people, we begin to see ourselves as losers, weak people, and this causes an acute feeling of dissatisfaction with ourselves and envy.
But after all, even if we are really worse than others in something, this does not mean that it will always be so! It is from the conviction that our personality cannot change and go beyond innate abilities that it forms many vices: painful self-conceit, intolerance of failure, rejection of criticism and envy.
A person with such an attitude, instead of developing, directs all his efforts to prove that he is better, smarter than others from birth. Prove, first of all, to yourself. But reality will not always echo his expectation, causing acute disappointment and rejection. This point has found brilliant treatment in the book.
We can develop those qualities that we envy when we see other people.
After all, if we think about our qualities in this way, then there will be less reason for envy, because the unfavorable verdicts that we make to ourselves, comparing ourselves with other people, will not be final! We will stop dwelling on our allegedly unchanging imperfection, which is most clearly manifested against the background of the merits of others, and we will strive to change. We can become better and get closer to what we envy so much.
Of course, the idea that we can become as smart (or rich) as our friend if we put in the effort and become (or learn how to make money) can inspire a person and help him cope with feeling jealous of a friend.
But, nevertheless, you should not completely convert envy into motivation for development. After all, if we develop only in order to become better than some people, then we will endure the notorious disappointment. First, anyway, someone will be better than us. Secondly, some qualities, we will not be able to develop much anyway. As much as we want it, we can't get the look of a Hollywood actor. Thirdly, our expectations and hopes will not always come true. Even with titanic efforts, we may not achieve what we so desired.
Therefore, on the one hand, you should develop your qualities because it will help you become better and happier, and not in order to feed your pride. On the other hand, you need to accept yourself as you are, especially where you cannot change yourself and be prepared for the fact that your plans will not come true. This is a delicate balance between the desire to develop, become better, self-acceptance and readiness for anything. If you find this balance, you will be much happier and less envious of other people.
6 - Be prepared to take responsibility for the path you have chosen
Each person to choose their own path. This choice does not have to happen only once in a lifetime. This path is like a forked road, where forks are common. Different paths have different advantages. And the advantages that are on one path may be absent on the other.
Therefore, you do not need to compare your path with the path of another person, because you yourself made your choice, and the other person also made his choice.
If your used car with a rattling engine is overtaken on the highway by a huge, shiny jeep that you recognize as your friend at the wheel, then know that this person is following a different path from yours.
Maybe at one time you bet on freedom from daily work, a large amount of time that you can devote to yourself or your family, and not on making money. Whereas the man in the jeep decided that he would spend a lot of time at work in constant thoughts about how to earn more. He took risks, aspired for more, and as a result of his labors, he was able to afford to buy this jeep.
Everyone chose his own and got what was supposed to be his choice, you - freedom and privacy, someone else - money.
But the choice is not always conscious. Maybe your friend in an expensive car at one time chose the opportunity to work hard for his future, get a good education and a job. And you, at the same time, preferred momentary pleasure to your future: skipped classes at the institute, went for a walk, drank and had fun. And this is also a choice, although you might not be aware of it.
So be prepared to be responsible for the consequences of your choices. This is your path and you choose it yourself. And by the way, you can always change it. Then what can be envious at all?
But if, say, you and your friend initially chose the same thing: education, then work and money, but the result is different for each of you: you drive a wreck, and he drives a beautiful jeep. You work as much as he does, but you don't get a significant result. What to do in this case? And here we come again to the concept of justice
What determines your path?
You can accept that your path is determined not only by your choice, but also by the direction of the road, the obstacles on your course, the length of your legs. That is, it depends on random circumstances, luck, your abilities, meetings along the way with other people, etc.
If so, then everything falls into place. It turns out that no two paths are the same, each path is unique. And the result of this path was formed under the influence of many and many factors, that is, this result cannot be called accidental. It existed within the framework of causal relationships, which determined the final result. That is, everything happened the way it should have happened and nothing else. Maybe this is real justice, which lies in the fact that everything happens according to some order incomprehensible to a person? (I'm not talking about karma or anything like that, I'm only talking about cause and effect relationships that we can't grasp with our minds.)
I understand that I have gone into philosophy, but I want to say that all these arguments can be applied in life. Realize, then, that the fact that you are driving an old car happened for a reason. This result was prepared by many events in your life, the fate of different people was involved in it. This was your path.
Let you not always be able to make your choice and decide where to move, but what happened, it happened. That is life.
7 - Think about the value of what you envy
Whatever a person strives for, he does not achieve the happiness that his imagination promises him.
Therefore, in principle, there are no such material things that should be envied at all. Since there is really no significant difference between whether you have them or not. I understand that this statement seems very controversial to some, but if you think about it, everything is so. Remember your childhood, were you then more unhappy than now, due to the fact that you did not have the attributes of adult life (car, money, etc.)? And when you got these things, were you any happier than before?
I don't think so. But what can be said not about material things, but about some personal qualities. Mind, beauty, charisma, etc. In fact, these qualities, as well as material things, also do not make people happier (at least not always). They can form short contentment, fleeting pleasure, but one cannot say that a beautiful and intelligent person is constantly happy just because he is like that! He also gets used to these attributes of his as to a yacht or a car! Moreover, beauty (and the mind too) are not eternal. At some point they will start to fade. And then the one who was attached to these things will feel acute dissatisfaction and even suffering!
Therefore, there are practically no things that should be envied. Because many of them do not bring the expected happiness! It does not really matter, in principle, a smart person or stupid, handsome or ugly. By and large, everyone has similar fates: from a billionaire to a beggar, from a top model to a battered housewife. After all, it cannot be said that one of them is much happier than the other.
This is a rather strange statement for an article on a self-development website. “Why develop if there is no difference what will happen in the end?” - You ask. I must answer that, firstly, I never thought about self-development for the sake of self-development. I considered all the qualities that need to be developed only from the standpoint of the possibility of achieving happiness, as tools for this happiness, and not an end in itself. Secondly, I do not want to say that there is no difference at all between whether you are smart or stupid, rich or poor. You just don’t need to become attached to these things and believe that the one who possesses them will certainly rest on some kind of happy Olympus and therefore it is these things that you lack for happiness.
Why did I take happiness as what determines the peculiarity of human destiny. Because all people, consciously or not, strive for happiness. But most of them choose the wrong paths and, even having reached fabulous wealth and power, they do not come there. I talked about this in my article.
Conclusion – Envy prevents us from learning from other people
Why is envy considered such a great vice? I already said at the beginning that it does not bring any benefit, but only one suffering. It prevents us from sharing their joy with others. But there is another reason. Envy prevents us from learning from other people. Instead of looking at their merit and merits and striving for them, we silently suffer because of envy, secretly wishing these people failure.
The peculiarity of negative emotions is such that they make a person fixate on themselves, depriving his mind of mobility and choice: such a person can only think about one thing. But openness, sincerity, respect and empathy give our mind more freedom. And he gets the opportunity to learn something new.
If you stop being envious, then the world of another person will no longer be an object for comparison, but will become an open book from which you can extract a lot of useful things for yourself. By freeing your mind from envy, you can better understand other people.
I hope my advice will help you overcome envy. But if you are still caught by this feeling by surprise, remember that this is just some kind of feeling that you do not have to obey. Stop suffering because of the thoughts that this feeling tells you. Just relax and watch this feeling without any thoughts. It always helps!
What is envy and why does it arise? Can jealousy be constructive? How to get rid of black envy?
It hit me suddenly. I’m talking with a friend and suddenly I realize that I can’t rejoice at her success. I envy. She talks about a trip to Italy, about branded stores, oysters and friendly locals, and all I think about is why was it not me in her place?
Over time, I became more and more envious of others. An inner voice itched - look at her makeup, car, husband. My eyes are slits, my expression is stone and I look at the floor. Well, why does she have all the most delicious, and I have leftovers? Jealousy consumed me. How to get rid of it?
How to stop being jealous
I read advice in a fashion magazine: start controlling your thoughts to get rid of envy. For the sake of the experiment, I tuned in to the positive. She persuaded herself, like Uncle Fedor from Prostokvashino: “I live well ... Just wonderful! I have everything…".
The exercise failed.
I'm returning from the store. Heavy shopping bags with groceries pull your hands away. The bangs interfere, falling on the eyes, the sun is scorching. That would be a private car! And more likely to go home!
A neighbor drives Gelendvagen into the garage. A minute later, he drives back. Only now on the Porsche. How? Does he have two cars? Does it change according to mood? The handles of the plastic bags remind me of themselves, painfully crashing into my palms when I stumble on a bump. Go to hell, I envy others again! I am an envious person.
Looking at someone else's happiness.
I didn’t expect that the method found in the magazine would work, but it’s still unpleasant that I can’t stop feeling envy.
What to do?
As soon as I realized that a very envious person - I feel envy of someone else's happiness, wealth, beauty, jealous and angry about the fact that my sister, brother, matchmaker, neighbor's family live better than me - I began to ask friends, psychologists and virtual " colleagues in misfortune, ”the same as me, envious people. So I learned dozens of ways, however, I never got rid of envy. Here are just a few of them:
Change your thinking.
Watch what you think, so as not to envy others.
Well, how exactly? I didn't succeed. Every now and then I caught myself thinking forbidden thoughts. And how can one get rid of envy of other, more successful people?
Recognize uniqueness.
Reminding himself of his advantages, a person loses the desire to experience envy. How to compare yourself with others and be jealous when you know that there is no other like it on the whole earth?
I wrote down my virtues on a piece of paper in order to repeat them more often. But no matter how she convinced herself of her own uniqueness, she still continued to envy others.
Do good.
Do not fight the desire to spoil the neighbor's car, but make the person who has become the object of black envy pleasant.
The person who proposed this method clearly did not know what envy was. From one thought about something pleasant for someone who already has everything, I became covered with a rash that itched for another week, reminding me of this failed method.
I still envied others. Logic dictated: to get rid of envy, you need to understand the reasons. It was obvious that a person cannot stop suffering from envy, limiting himself to one conscious intention.
How to get rid of envy? Desire to be first
Guesses that unconscious attitudes cannot be changed by willpower were confirmed by Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology. How to be not jealous? It turns out that it is enough to understand the mechanisms that unconsciously drive us.
It turned out that not everyone is capable of envying others. This is only for representatives.
Why is this happening?
Since ancient times, people with such a device of the psyche have been striving for property superiority, increasing their rank in society. It is easy for a skin person to succumb to envy, because it is important for him to be not just rich, but richer than others, to have not just a car, but a cool car. He does not see envy as a problem, if this envy is productive, it encourages him to become more successful. Such a person does not have a question how to get rid of it.
To be successful is the value of a person with a skin vector, to be the first is his desire.
By nature, they have a low libido in comparison with representatives of other vectors. In order to take a better position in society, increase attractiveness in the eyes of the opposite sex, skin men need to maximize their innate talents in society. But sometimes it happens...
... a program crash.
Then the skin person envies others who have achieved more, but due to a lack of understanding of normal competition, this leads him not to constructive actions, but to the desire to spoil the results of someone else's work.
Different colors of envy
Envy is black
And to this day there are envious people who are trying to annoy more successful fellow citizens. It is expressed in different ways. In podsizhivanie, causing material damage. Not surprisingly, for many people, envy is perceived as something negative. But it might be different.
white envy
“I was so envious of other, more experienced students at the gymnastics school that I practiced five hours a day. Couldn't stand them doing better tricks than me."- said one familiar dancer.
As you can see, a person can look at envy from a different angle. Surely everyone has a couple of stories in which people achieved something precisely thanks to envy - they organized a seminar, headed an interest club or a trip. So why don't we realign and start seeing as a blessing that people are jealous? That for some of these people, envy is a manifestation of healthy competition and they do not need to get rid of it.
Where envy is not honored
You can't understand Russia with your mind...
It is difficult for residents of Western countries with their priority of the values of the skin mentality to comprehend the impulsiveness, recklessness, and generosity inherent in Russians. Oddly enough, this issue is directly related to the topic of envy of someone else's life.
... with a yardstick "skin" cannot be measured.
According to system-vector psychology, this feature of Russians is explained by the fact that a communal-collectivist mentality has developed in our country. This means that each of its inhabitants, in addition to innate character traits, has common qualities, the same mental characteristics, and these qualities are completely opposite to the properties and values of the skin vector, which is close.
In countries with a skin mentality, envy of someone else's well-being is realized as a desire for healthy competition, in which the latest technologies are created. In our mentality, due to unconscious internal contradictions, envy often takes on ugly forms, when instead of an incentive to do something more and better, it is a reason to prevent a neighbor from getting ahead. Including for this reason, many skin people in Russia suffer because of their lack of fulfillment, it is difficult for them to get rid of envy.
What to do?
Realize your benefits...
In addition to the contradiction between our mentality and skin values, it is important for a person who wants to end envy to realize the features inherent in the skin vector. In particular, in what areas can he realize his talents: business, trade, management, sports, law, military affairs, engineering. It is here that his innate abilities will bring maximum benefit to him and other people.
When a person is happy from his realization, when he uses his properties to the maximum, then there is no room for envy. In this case, it is impossible to be an envious person.
Each of us has an individual way of moving from envy to constructive action, embodying our natural talents. Having worked through internal unconscious barriers, everyone can become from an envious person an achiever.
…And become your own psychologist.
About how it was with them, the people who completed the training share:
Forget the destructive feeling
All in your hands!
Even if other people’s bread doesn’t let you sleep now, Yuri Burlan’s system-vector psychology will help you understand the underlying mechanisms of the psyche, this will correct the situation and help you achieve real success and live your life.
Be the epitome of success!
You yourself are able to become someone many people want to look up to - a successful, happy person! , envying others, you can already find out at free online trainings in system-vector psychology. .
The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»With sadness, I discovered the Envious One living in myself. He wakes up before I can figure out what happened. He raises his head in all sorts of situations and begins to giggle wickedly when I get upset to find him inside me.
He tells me: “Look! Others live better and easier! They have everything you can only dream of! Moreover: they have something that you do not even dream of yet! Envy! My attempts to hide it were unsuccessful: in some incredible way, it makes itself felt again and again.
My efforts to ignore him also did not lead to a result: this petty dirty trick continues to interfere with my life! He poisons my joy for other people's success, he makes me think badly of myself, he often compares me not in my favor, he provokes me to constant internal competition with others. In general, he is still a bastard, this petty, nasty Envious!
Well... you can't fight him. And, in general, it never worked. One way or another: envy accompanies me all my life. After all, as soon as I compared myself with someone, she was right there right there. Comparison is like a launching pad for envy.
Most often I find myself already in flight, missing the moment of taking off from the ground: here again I am flying like plywood over Paris, on monochrome wings of envy. For decency, people divided envy into black and white, and they themselves came up with an excuse that it is possible to envy in a white way, this does not deny joy for another.
Yes, joy for other people's successes is definitely present in the white version of this state, but this joy is seasoned with sadness for oneself. If you honestly admit to yourself: you can’t sincerely rejoice with another and envy him at the same time.
Well, we even invented a glorious phrase that circumvents this paradox: we don’t say “happy with you”, we say “happy for you”. Those. happy for you, but not for myself. By the way, now, having internally pronounced these two phrases, I clearly saw the difference in states in one and the other case. In the second option - such a good distance, they say, you are there, and I am here. Unlike the first, where together.
Well ... it is impossible to fight the Envious, to explain his existence from a scientific point of view does not bring noticeable relief. Maybe try to befriend him? But as soon as this bright thought penetrates the consciousness, the inner Critic immediately wakes up: “What are you, how can you be friends with THIS? Don't even think about it!"
However, the Critic is a rather accommodating comrade. If you respectfully listen to him and give weighty arguments, he will probably agree. And what could be more significant than "accepting one's shortcomings contributes to the development of personality." Super! With Critic, it seems, agreed. It remains to fall in love with the Envious. Why is he beautiful, for which I can be grateful to him?
To begin with, perhaps, it is worth understanding: what I envy. By all indications, it turns out that I do not envy everything and not everyone. I don't really envy a shift worker who goes to work days beyond the Arctic Circle.
But for a family traveling on a cruise ship - even very much. It's strange: I don't envy those who beg in transit. But those who make their purchases according to the principle “I choose what I like, and not what I have enough money for” - ... comments are superfluous, as you understand.
An interesting picture! It turns out that my Envious One helps me see what I really want? A useful creature, however! Hmm... maybe monochrome also tells me something? It seems that black envy arises in situations where I want something, but I don’t believe that I will ever have it (there are no resources or I don’t see them).
And white envy is my desires that are very real, just not right now. Or vice versa? I'll be watching this. And I’ll ask the Envious One to help with this: without him, I definitely can’t do it here. Well, about my former enemy, are we gradually becoming allies? The envious smiles and nods in response. And his smile is no longer nasty, but rather kind. And even loving. It looks like I've found more than just an ally in him. A Helper in achieving Your Goals.
P.S. The ideas and thoughts outlined above came to my mind through a discussion of this topic with Oleg Efimov. Oleg, thank you very much!
March 12 Seminar "How to get away from the pain in a relationship" from
Oleg Efimov in Yekaterinburg.