The term "civil marriage" has become customary to refer to the now fashionable cohabitation of a man and a woman without registration. The name itself contains a big lie. But we'll talk about this a little later, but for now, for convenience, I will allow myself to use this common expression, of course, taking it beforehand in quotation marks.
This form of coexistence is very widespread. Newfangled psychologists recommend living in a "trial marriage", movie stars and other public people do not hesitate to talk about their free, "without a stamp" relationship on the pages of magazines. Why are people so attracted to life in such a "marriage"? The answer is very simple. All the attributes of a real marriage are there, but there is no responsibility. "Civil marriage" is sometimes called "trial": young people want to test their feelings and live as husband and wife "pretend", and then register. However, sometimes registration is not discussed at all. People living in civil marriage”, often come to church, either for confession or for a conversation with a priest. Very many of them feel great discomfort from their dubious state, they want to know why the Church condemns “civil marriages” and they want to get an answer from the priest: what should they do next, how to live?
The fact that cohabitation without registration of marriage is a completely false, meaningless state, is not only confirmed by the Church on the road to nowhere. “Civil marriage” is false from three points of view at once, from three positions:
1) SPIRITUAL; 2) LEGAL and 3) PSYCHOLOGICAL.
I will start with a story about the legal and psychological problems of "civil marriage" in order to prepare the ground a bit and then move on to the most important, spiritual untruth of such a union, because my article is mainly addressed to people who are still outside the church fence.
Marriage or cohabitation?
"Civil marriage" is completely outside the legal field. In legal language, such a union is called cohabitation. Therefore, “civil marriage” is a completely false expression. A real civil marriage can only be called a marriage registered in the registry office. This institution exists in order to record the state of the citizens of the state: they were born, created a family, or have already died. Cohabitation is not subject to any laws on family and marriage, that is: on the rights and obligations of spouses, joint property and rights not inheritance. Civil courts are inundated with cases of renunciation of paternity of former "common-law husbands" who do not want to pay alimony. Proving that they really are the fathers of their children is very problematic and costly.
Lovers of "free relationships" sometimes say: why all these paintings, stamps and other formalities, because there was a time when there was no marriage at all. This is not true, marriage has always been in the human community. Promiscuity (allegedly promiscuous sexual cohabitation that existed among some archaic tribes) is nothing more than a historical myth, all serious researchers know this.
Forms of establishing a marriage union were different. In the Roman Empire, the newlyweds signed, in the presence of witnesses, a marriage document regulating the rights and obligations of the spouses. The first Christians, before receiving the blessing of the Church for their marital union, had to get engaged, exchange rings and legalize their marriage. Betrothal was an act of state. Other peoples (for example, the ancient Jews) also had marriage documents or marriage was concluded in the presence of witnesses, which in ancient times was sometimes stronger than papers. But, one way or another, the spouses did not just agree that they would live together, but testified about their decision before God, before the whole society and before each other. And now, when registering a marriage, we take the state as witnesses, it declares us husband and wife, that is, the closest relatives, and undertakes to protect the rights and obligations of spouses. Unfortunately, now, due to the fact that our state is secular, marriage registration is separated from the sacrament of the wedding, and before the wedding, the spouses must sign in the registry office. It is interesting that now in France, for a wedding before marriage is registered at the city hall, criminal liability is due.
In the Russian Empire, before the revolution, it was possible to get married only by getting married or performing another religious ceremony, according to the confession of the spouses. People of different faiths were not married. The wedding also had legal force. The church generally then kept records of acts of civil status, which are now recorded in the registry office. When a person was born, he was baptized and recorded in the register of births; when he got married, they issued a marriage certificate.
Children born out of wedlock were considered illegitimate. They could not bear the surname of their father, inherit class privileges and property of their parents. Signing without a wedding and getting married without a painting was simply impossible according to the law.
State registration of marriage is not at all an empty formality, if you love a person, then you are responsible for him.
For example, it is not enough just to give birth to a child, you need to take full responsibility for it. When a woman gives birth to a child, she then goes to the registry office and receives a birth certificate, she is entered into this document, she registers the child with her, registers him in the clinic. If she refuses to do so, she will be deprived parental rights- Children must be protected. You can’t be “trial parents”, “trial spouses”, if you love, it’s not a problem to sign, if it’s a problem, then you don’t really love.
Some statistics and psychology
Supporters of “civil marriage” usually justify their condition in the following way: in order to get to know each other better and avoid many mistakes and problems already in marriage, you need to converge gradually. First live together, and then sign. It absolutely does not work, proven practice. Statistics say that families where spouses had experience of cohabitation before marriage break up 2 times (!) More often than marriages where spouses did not have such experience.
By the way, such figures are not only in our country. In the United States in Pittsburgh, specialists from Penn State University studied the family life of about one and a half thousand American couples. It turned out that couples who lived together before marriage were twice as likely to experience a divorce. Yes and family life in these families is accompanied by b O Lots of fights and conflicts. Moreover, for the purity and accuracy of the study, data were taken different years: 60s, 80s and 90s of the XX century.
The results of studies conducted at the universities of Canada, Sweden, New Zealand also prove that premarital cohabitation does not serve to strengthen the family. So something is wrong; people are “trying”, “trying”, and the number of divorces and family problems is growing, they want best friend know a friend, but they cannot stay in marriage.
In our country, 2/3 of marriages break up. But when “civil marriages” were a very rare occurrence, there were no such monstrous divorce statistics.
The fact is that in a trial marriage, partners do not recognize each other, but they confuse everything even more. It is not for nothing that fornication has one root with the words: wander, err. Fornication leads people astray.
The premarital period is given so that the bride and groom go through the school of relationships, without an admixture of passion, a riot of hormones and permissiveness. All this makes it very difficult to objectively evaluate a person, to see in him not a sexual object, but a personality, a friend, a future spouse. The brain, feelings are clouded by the dope of passion. And when people create a family after a “trial marriage”, very often they understand: everything that connected them was not love, but a strong sexual attraction, which, as you know, passes very quickly. So it turns out that in one family there were completely strangers. The courtship period is given to the bride and groom precisely so that they learn abstinence, to better see each other not as sexual partners, not sharing a joint life, living space and bed, but from a completely different, clean, friendly, human, if you want romantic side.
In addition to the fact that "civil marriage" is a false and deceptive phenomenon, and is only an illusion of a family, but it also does not allow partners to build their relationships, people can live together for years, but never create anything real. Only a small percentage of "civil marriages" ends with registration.
Once a girl came to me for confession and admitted that she lives with a guy without a stamp. And she began to talk about free, informal relationships. I told her, "You're just not sure if you love him." She thought about it and answered: “Yes, you are right, I don’t fully know if I can live my life with him.” I have had many such cases; when it came to frankness, people usually hid their eyes and admitted that the obstacle to entering into a legal marriage for them was not the lack of their own housing or money for a wedding, but insecurity in a partner and in their own feelings for him.
But if you are not sure of your feelings, just be friends, communicate, but do not call it marriage, do not demand everything at once. The most important thing in this "marriage" is not - love and trust in each other.
If you love, then one hundred percent. You can not love half, especially a spouse. This is no longer love, but distrust, insecurity in love, it is she who underlies the "civil marriage".
"Civil marriage" is sometimes called barren. Firstly, because cohabitants, as a rule, are afraid to have children, they can’t figure out in their relationship why they need more problems, troubles and responsibilities. Secondly, "civil marriage" cannot give birth to anything new, it is fruitless spiritually and even spiritually. When people create a legal family, they take responsibility. When entering into marriage, a person decides to live with his spouse all his life, go through all the trials together, share both joy and sorrow in half. He no longer feels separate from his soul mate, and the spouses, willy-nilly, must come to unity, learn to bear each other's burdens, build their relationships, interact and, most importantly, learn to love each other. Like a person has parents, brothers, sisters, he wants to be with them - he doesn’t want to, he must learn to get along, find mutual language otherwise life in the family will become unbearable
The well-known psychologist A.V. Kurpatov once called “civil marriage” a ticket with an open date. “Partners always know that they have a ticket, so if something goes wrong, at any moment, waved, and be healthy, stay happy. With this approach, there is no motive to invest in relationships according to full program“It’s like renovating a rented apartment.”
In assessing “civil marriage”, another Russian psychotherapist, Nikolai Naritsyn, agrees with him: “cohabitation is by no means a marriage, a family, and even less a marriage - and not so much in law, but in essence! So, in such an "alliance", at least, it is naive to hope that your partner, when making any decisions (especially if they affect your mutually exclusive interests), will take into account your needs. And it is just as naive to make claims that this person behaved this way and not otherwise - in most cases, alas, he does not owe you anything, and is free to do as he (she) pleases!
That is why so few "civil marriages" end in registration. People initially do not perceive their union as something significant, serious and permanent, their relationship is shallow, freedom and independence are more expensive for them, even the years spent together do not add confidence to them, and their union - strength.
Family Orthodox psychologist I.A. Rakhimova, in order to show people who are in a “civil marriage” the falsity and meaninglessness of their condition, offers such couples a test: in order to believe your feelings, for some time (say for two months) stop bodily relationships. And if they agree to this, then usually there are two options: either they part, if they were connected only by passion; or get married - which also happens. Abstinence, patience allows you to take a fresh look at each other, to fall in love without an admixture of passion.
I usually give the same advice. I explain why cohabitation without marriage is a sin, and what consequences it has, and I suggest: if you do not have serious intentions to marry, it is better to leave, such a state will not lead to anything good. If young people want to legitimize their relationship, I advise them to stop intimate communication before marriage. After all, not everything is limited to this, you can be friends, communicate, show your tenderness and affection in some other way. That's when you really get to know each other better.
Is it possible to build happiness on sin?
Well, now about the most important problem of "civil marriage" - spiritual.
All bodily relations between a man and a woman outside of legal marriage are fornication. Accordingly, those living in a “civil marriage” are in a state of permanent fornication. Fornication or fornication is one of the eight human passions, and fornication is also a mortal sin, that is, a sin leading to the death of the soul.
Why so strict? What harm can this sin do to people? I think that every priest periodically has to answer one question (usually it is asked by young people): “Why are bodily, carnal relationships between a man and a woman outside of marriage considered a sin, because all this is done by mutual consent, no harm, damage is done to anyone, here is adultery - another thing is treason, the destruction of the family, but here, what's wrong?
First, let's remember what sin is. “Sin is lawlessness” (1 John 3:4). That is, violation of the laws of spiritual life. And the violation of both physical and spiritual laws always leads to trouble, to self-destruction. Nothing good can be built on sin, on error. If a serious engineering miscalculation was made during the foundation of the house, the house will not stand idle for a long time. Such a house was built somehow in our holiday village. It stood, stood, and fell apart a year later.
The Holy Scripture classifies fornication among the most serious sins: “Do not be deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor malakias (that is, those engaged in masturbation (St. Paul), nor homosexuals ... they will not inherit the Kingdom of God ”(1 Corinthians 6, 9) They will not inherit unless they repent and stop fornication.Why does the Church view the sin of fornication with such severity, and what is the danger of this sin?
It must be said that carnal, intimate intercourse between a man and a woman has never been forbidden by the Church, on the contrary, it has been blessed, but only in one case. If it was a marriage. And by the way, not necessarily married, but simply a prisoner under civil laws. The apostle Paul writes about marital bodily relations: “Husband show your wife due favor; like a wife to her husband. The wife has no power over her body, but the husband; likewise, the husband has no power over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deviate from each other, except by agreement, for a time, for exercise in fasting and prayer, and then be together again, so that Satan does not tempt you with your intemperance” (1 Corinthians 7; 3-5).
The Lord blessed the marriage union, blessed the carnal communion in it, which serves to procreate. Husband and wife are no longer two, but “one flesh” (Gen. 2; 24). The presence of marriage is another (albeit not the most important) difference between us and animals. Animals don't get married. A female can copulate with any male, even with her own children when they grow up. People have marriage, mutual responsibility, obligations to each other and to children. It must be said that bodily relationships are a very powerful experience, and they serve even greater affection for spouses. “Your attraction to your husband” (Gen. 3; 16) is said about the wife, and this mutual attraction of the spouses also helps to strengthen their union.
But what is blessed in marriage is a sin, a violation of the commandment, if done outside of marriage. The marital union unites a man and a woman into “one flesh” (Eph. 5; 31) for mutual love, the birth and upbringing of children. But the Bible also tells us that in fornication people are also united into “one flesh”, but only in sin and lawlessness. For sinful pleasure and irresponsibility. They become accomplices in a moral crime.
Each lawless carnal relationship inflicts a deep wound on the soul and body of a person, and when he wants to marry, it will be very difficult for him to carry this burden and the memory of past sins. Fornication unites people, but in order to defile their bodies and souls.
Love between a man and a woman is possible only in marriage, where people give each other vows of fidelity and mutual responsibility before God and all people. Neither extramarital affairs, nor cohabitation with one partner in a “civil marriage” gives a person real happiness. Because marriage is not only bodily intimacy, but also spiritual unity, love and trust in a loved one. No matter how beautiful words the lovers of "civil marriage" hide behind - the basis of their relationship is one thing - mutual distrust, uncertainty in their feelings, fear of losing "freedom". The wandering people rob themselves, instead of walking the open, blessed path, they try to steal happiness from the back door.
It is no coincidence that marriages in which there was a period of cohabitation before marriage break up much more often than those where the spouses did not have such experience. Sin cannot lie in the foundation of a family building. After all, the bodily communication of the spouses is given to them as a reward for their patience and purity. Young people who do not keep themselves until marriage are lax, weak-willed people. If they did not deny themselves anything before marriage, then they will just as easily and freely go “to the left” already in marriage.
Sin is a spiritual disease, it inflicts wounds on the human soul. Sins are the cause of many of our misfortunes, sorrows, and even bodily illnesses. By sinning, a person violates the laws of spiritual life that exist objectively, like the laws of physics, and will certainly pay for his mistakes. In this case, allowing fornication before marriage, people will pay with sorrows and problems in family life. “Whatever a man sows, that he will also reap” (Gal. 6; 7), says the Holy Scripture. No wonder now, when for many connections before marriage have become the norm, we have so many divorces. In Russia, the vast majority of marriages break up, and 40% of children are brought up outside the family. Sin cannot create, it only destroys. When a serious sin lies at the foundation of the building of future family life, nothing good can be expected, which is why modern marriages are so fragile.
Is there a way out?
What should people do who have not preserved themselves in purity and chastity due to being cut off from faith and traditions? The Lord heals our wounds, if only a person sincerely repents, confesses his sins and corrects himself. A Christian is given a chance to change himself and his life, although this is not at all easy.
Having embarked on the path of correction, one cannot look back to the past, then the Lord will certainly help everyone who sincerely turns to Him.
And further; if your chosen one or chosen one has a negative premarital experience, in no case should you be interested in the sinful past of a person and reproach him for it.
God wants us to be happy, and happiness cannot be found in the path of vice. The fruits of general sexual laxity and a frivolous attitude towards marriage are already clearly visible: young people do not want to create families and give birth to children, in addition, 5 million abortions are performed a year. And the country's population, meanwhile, is rapidly declining. If we don’t stop and think, but continue to “live like everyone else”, then in thirty years there will simply be no Russia, there will be some completely different country, most likely with a Muslim population. After all, Muslims family values and fertility is fine.
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The story of one family without sex before marriage ( Ilya Lyubimov and Ekaterina Vilkova)
After the abolition of the stamp in the passport, indicating marriage, there were many discussions that divided society into two camps - opponents and supporters of official relations. The editors of WANT.ua decided to find out the arguments of those, as well as those who are satisfied with the civil or.
Grade
In Ukraine, the stamp in the passport has been officially canceled, so marks about marriage or its terminationin an identity documentno longer. Such an innovation will appear in the biometric passport of a Ukrainian citizen, which will replace the usual old-style passport. It is worth noting that this is not only a step forward towards the civilized world, but also certain changes at the institution of marriage, which we usually associate with the official mark.
Recently, the number of civil marriages has been growing rapidly, people are getting rid of prejudice and are no longer afraid of condemning their neighbors or relatives. The younger generation is not at all in a hurry to “burden” itself with rings and a stamp, which all this time has nevertheless been strong evidence that the couple is serious and plans to live a long and happy life together. Most likely, the absence of a stamp in the passport for many will raise the question of why it is worth getting married at all, if the refusal of marriage, of course, does not contradict issues of faith or the desire to raise a child, as they say, in a full-fledged family.
However, for many women For them, he serves as a guarantee that their life is stable, and the husband feels responsible and will not bring any surprises.
READ the opinion of our heroes and
WRITE your point of view in the comments.
The author of the interesting history or a strong argument will receive a prize.
Alina, 24 years old
There is nothing special to tell - the boy and I met from the age of 19, three years later I became pregnant and gave birth to a child. He is a normal father, he helps me, but I understand that at any moment he can leave. Still young, he wants to have fun with friends at some parties, and we often quarrel because he is leaving somewhere. And if we got married, it seems to me that he would realize all the responsibility and finally matured. You might think that I don’t want to go somewhere, but I’m with a child, I want him to understand this too.
There is another view of the situation, when people are not opposed to marriage, however, therefore, they do not pay attention to the beliefs of relatives with conservative views on this issue.
Alexander, 30 years old
My girlfriend and I have been living together for almost 4.5 years. Yes, I still call her my girlfriend, not my civil wife. In general, I don’t like these Soviet words “spouse” and “husband” - they stigmatize people, driving them into some unnecessary framework.
Look, we love each other, take care of each other, share a common life. I switched to the general budget without any problems, I get more of my girlfriend, and I see no problem in giving finances for the well-being of a loved one and our life.
The girl shares my views, this is probably one of the reasons why we are comfortable together. If she wants to get married, I don't mind in principle, but it won't change anything. In addition to organizing a big "redneck" wedding for relatives whom no one loves. We have quarrels with our parents because of this, they believe that a woman and a man should definitely get married. And we are not going to go to the registry office just because after that some cousin will want to drink to the health of the young.
There is also an option guest marriage, which differs from the civil more free views. In it, a couple can live separately or periodically rest from each other, but at the same time they remain faithful and call their relationship as full as a registered marriage.
Anya, 27
I've been living with my boyfriend for several years now. During this time, there were periods when we, as children, rejoiced that we received freedom and can do what we want and when we want. Then there were stages of irritation, for example, when he stupidly could not wash the dishes and played Dota all day. There were quarrels and resentments because of absolutely stupid things, so I sometimes went home to my parents. She lived there for several days, rested from him, and then returned, and everything was fine with us. Until now, I do this once every one or two months, because I understand how important personal space is for my mental state.
This does not mean that we are a bad couple, it’s just that this is an ideal option so as not to “bite each other to death”. I'm not going to part with him, because I love him and because I can't imagine anyone else next to me. But I don’t want a wedding, it seems to me that after it some problems begin, people feel pressure and start to go crazy. And I don’t really dream about the wedding ceremony either, except to take a picture in a dress, but this can be done without a stamp.
By the way, guest marriage is practiced not only by young people, as many mistakenly assume. People have always been looking for options for convenient, but not selfish relationships that will not infringe on anyone.
Roma, 34 years old
I have a history of a guest marriage, which was my grandfather. Our grandmother died early due to illness, after her death he was engaged in raising his daughter. And at the age of 56, he met a woman through mutual friends. She was divorced with two adult children. Sometimes he lived with her, helped around the house and always respectfully called "Lyudochka". They spent holidays together, went to the theater. And at some point, when both were of retirement age, they began to see each other less. Now they call each other on the phone and ask how the children are doing. They became more friends, and then, probably, they were in partnership.
It is difficult to talk about whether a stamp in a passport is important, because there are different situations and different couples. Of course, everyone decides for himself. For me, the stamp is not a matter of first importance. I think that it is much more important how the couple themselves feel about relationships without registration. After all, you can live in a civil marriage, without an official painting, while being a full-fledged family, where there is love, trust, mutual understanding, support, care, joint plans and dreams. Moreover, it seems to me that relationships without a mark in the passport can often determine the “authenticity” of love and reciprocity in all its manifestations. There is a kind of test of the relationship for strength. When people start living together, such “unromantic” things appear in their lives, such as “where to get money?”, Scattered dirty socks (yes, all living people have them), some everyday problems. Situations may arise that require, for example, somewhere sacrificing your comfort or even your plans or dreams for the sake of another person. And it would seem, why do you need this, because you are not even painted? But if your relationship, your marriage is really built on the feelings that I mentioned earlier (love, trust, mutual understanding ...), then it doesn’t matter if there is a mark in the passport, the important thing is that your marriage should be happy, and even if it will be unstamped.
"Civil marriage". The beginning of family life or prodigal cohabitation?
- Introduction. Three lies of "civil marriage".
The term "civil marriage" has become customary to refer to the now fashionable cohabitation of a man and a woman without registration. The name itself contains a very big lie.
- Chapter 1. Is it possible to build happiness on sin?
All bodily relations between a man and a woman outside of legal marriage are fornication. Accordingly, those living in a “civil marriage” are in a state of permanent fornication. Fornication or fornication is one of the eight human passions, and fornication is also a mortal sin, that is, a sin leading to the death of the soul. Why so strict? What harm can this sin do to people?
- Chapter 2
Also, about those living in a "civil marriage", says canon 26 of St. Basil the Great: "Fornication is not marriage and not even the beginning of marriage." This is not about ordinary fornication, but about cohabitation outside of marriage. And to people in such a state, the saint gives penance as if they had sinned fornication. Of course, until people leave their fornication or enter into marriage, they cannot receive communion.
- Chapter 3. Legal Aspect: Marriage or Cohabitation?
A civil marriage can only be called what lovers of living without registration just run away from - that is, a legally established marriage registered with the civil registry office.
- Chapter 4 Psychological problems"civil marriage" or life with an open door
Facts, as they say, are stubborn things. There are statistics that only 5% of cohabitations or "trial marriages" end in registration. And if young people nevertheless entered into a legal marriage, after the experience of cohabitation, such marriages break up two (!) times more often than without experience of cohabitation. By the way, such figures are not only in our country.
- Chapter 5
When I was in school, there was no need for young boys and girls to prove that marriage, the birth of children is good and right. No one (or almost no one) could imagine that he would never create a family, would not see children, grandchildren.
- Applications
- Interview to the Internet portal "Orthodoxy and the World" about "civil marriage"
- Hieromonk Job (Gumerov). "Fornication is the spiritual disease of our time"
· Introduction. Three lies of "civil marriage".
The term "civil marriage" has become customary to refer to the now fashionable cohabitation of a man and a woman without registration. The name itself contains a very big lie. But we'll talk about this a little later, but for now, for convenience, I will allow myself to use this common expression, of course, taking it beforehand in quotation marks.
This form of existence has become very widespread. Newfangled psychologists recommend living in a "trial marriage", movie stars and other public people do not hesitate to talk about their free, "without a stamp" relationship on the pages of magazines. Why are people so attracted to life in such a "marriage"? The answer is very simple. All the attributes of a real marriage are there, but there is no responsibility. "Civil marriage" is sometimes called "trial": young people want to test their feelings and live as husband and wife "pretend", and then register. However, sometimes registration is not discussed at all. People living in a “civil marriage” often come to church, either for confession or to talk with a priest. Very many of them feel great discomfort from their dubious state, they want to know why the Church condemns “civil marriages” and they want to get an answer from the priest: what should they do next, how to live? I very often have to talk with such people, and on the basis of these conversations, I wrote this little book. I hope that it will help someone understand his personal life and his “marriage” from “civilian” will become real.
So, everyone knows that the church has a negative attitude towards “civil marriages”, considers them a sin. Why? The fact that cohabitation without registration of marriage is a completely false, meaningless state, the way to nowhere is confirmed not only by the church. “Civil marriage” is false from three points of view at once, from three positions: 1) SPIRITUAL, 2) LEGAL; and 3) PSYCHOLOGICAL.
Let's look at all three in order.
· Chapter 1. Is it possible to build happiness on sin?
All bodily relations between a man and a woman outside of legal marriage are fornication. Accordingly, those living in a “civil marriage” are in a state of permanent fornication. Fornication or fornication is one of the eight human passions, and fornication is also a mortal sin, that is, a sin leading to the death of the soul.
Why so strict? What harm can this sin do to people? I think that every priest periodically has to answer one question (usually it is asked by young people): “Why is bodily, carnal relations between a man and a woman outside of marriage considered a sin, because all this is done by mutual agreement, no harm, damage is done to anyone, here is adultery - another thing is treason, the destruction of the family, but here, what's wrong?
First, let's remember what sin is. “Sin is lawlessness” (1 John 3:4). That is, violation of the laws of spiritual life. And the violation of both physical and spiritual laws leads to trouble, to self-destruction. Nothing good can be built on sin, on error. If a serious engineering miscalculation was made during the foundation of the house, the house will not stand idle for a long time. Such a house was built somehow in our holiday village. It stood, stood, and fell apart a year later.
The Holy Scripture classifies fornication among the most serious sins: “Do not be deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor little ones (i.e., those engaged in masturbation (St. Paul)), nor homosexuals ... The Kingdom of God will not inherit” (1 Corinthians 6 , 9). They will not inherit unless they repent and stop fornication. Church canonical rules for those who have fallen into fornication, for example, St. Basil the Great, St. Gregory of Nyssa are also very strict. They are forbidden to receive communion until they repent and undergo penance. I will keep silent about the timing of penance. Such a modern person simply can not stand it. Why does the Church look at the sin of fornication with such severity, and what is the danger of this sin?
It must be said that carnal, intimate intercourse between a man and a woman has never been forbidden by the Church, on the contrary, it has been blessed, but only in one case. If it was a marriage. And by the way, not only married, but simply a prisoner under civil laws. Of course, the marriage of Orthodox Christians must be blessed by the church, but even in the 1st century of Christianity, there was a problem when one of the spouses accepted Christianity, while the other (or the other) did not yet. And the apostle Paul does not allow such spouses to divorce, recognizing that this is also a marriage, albeit without the blessing of the church for now.
The same apostle writes about matrimonial bodily relations: like a wife to her husband. The wife has no power over her body, but the husband; likewise, the husband has no power over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deviate from each other, except by agreement, for a time, for the exercise in fasting and prayer, and then be together again, so that Satan does not tempt you with your intemperance” (1 Cor. 7, 3-5).
The Lord blessed the marriage union, blessed the carnal communion in it, which serves to procreate. Husband and wife are no longer two, but “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). The presence of marriage is another (albeit not the most important) difference between us and animals. Animals don't get married. A female can copulate with any male, even with her own children when they grow up. People have marriage, mutual responsibility, obligations to each other and to children. It must be said that bodily relationships are a very powerful experience, and they serve even greater affection for the spouses. “Your attraction to your husband” (Genesis 3:16) is said about the wife, and this mutual attraction of the spouses also helps to strengthen their union.
But what is blessed in marriage is a sin, a violation of the commandment, if done outside of marriage. The marital union unites a man and a woman into “one flesh” (Eph. 5:31) for mutual love, the birth and upbringing of children. But the Bible also tells us that in fornication people are also united into “one flesh”, but only in sin and lawlessness. For sinful pleasure and irresponsibility. They become accomplices in a moral crime. “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I, therefore, take the members from Christ, to make them the members of a harlot? Let it not! Or do you not know that he who copulates with a prostitute becomes one body with her? (1 Corinthians 6:15-16)
Indeed, every lawless carnal relationship inflicts a deep wound on the soul and body of a person, and when he wants to marry, it will be very difficult for him to carry this burden and the memory of past sins.
Fornication unites people, but in order to defile their bodies and souls.
Love between a man and a woman is possible only in marriage, where people give each other vows of fidelity and mutual responsibility before God and all people. Neither simple sexual relations, nor cohabitation with one partner in a “civil marriage” does not give a person real happiness. Because marriage is not only bodily intimacy, but also spiritual unity, love and confidence beloved person. It is clear that neither promiscuity nor cohabitation without registration can give this. No matter how beautiful words lovers of “civil marriage” hide behind, their relationship is based on one thing - mutual distrust, uncertainty in their feelings, fear of losing “freedom”. The wandering people rob themselves, instead of walking the open, blessed path, they try to steal happiness from the back door. One priest very experienced in family life once said that those who live out of wedlock are like people who, having put on priestly vestments, dare to serve the liturgy. They want to get what is not rightfully theirs.
Statistics show that marriages in which there was a period of cohabitation before marriage break up much more often than those where the spouses did not have such experience. And this is understandable and understandable: sin cannot lie in the foundation of a family building. After all, the bodily communication of the spouses is given to them as a reward for their patience and purity. Young people who do not keep themselves until marriage are lax, weak-willed people. If they did not deny themselves anything before marriage, then they will just as easily and freely go “to the left” already in marriage.
Is chastity obsolete?
It can be very difficult for young people today to explain the harm and perniciousness of carnal relationships before marriage. Once I had a conversation with high school students and the guys after the lesson began to ask questions. Of course, they were most interested in my personal life: where do they teach to become a priest? what is my salary? and so on. The question was also asked about what should be the wife of a clergyman. I answered that the matushka (father's wife), first of all, should be an Orthodox, pious Christian and, secondly, keep her virginity before marriage, just like the priest himself. And then modern schoolchildren were very surprised: “Where can one find such a thing, and do such people exist at all?” For modern young man the idea that it is possible and very necessary to keep oneself clean before marriage seems ridiculous. In fact, of course, there are, thank God, young people and especially girls who are chaste. Otherwise, we would not have so many people who want to enter theological seminaries, and there would be no one to become companions of priests. I also know from confession that although the corrupted spirit of the times overwhelms Orthodox, church young people, most of them retain their virginity until marriage. It is very difficult for today's secular youth to understand why this should be done. They think that the depravity that has become the norm now has always been. And I remember a time when it was the norm for a girl to keep herself for the only man, for her husband. Let's start with what is chastity . This is integral wisdom and it consists not only in physical integrity (you can remain a virgin in your body, but commit terrible debauchery in your mind, and vice versa, live in a pious marriage and save your soul from sin), but also in a correct, integral, uncomplicated look at the opposite sex, in purity of soul. It has already been said that carnal, intimate relationships between a man and a woman are not in themselves a sin and are even blessed by God, but only when they are committed in a legal marriage. Everything that is outside of marriage is fornication and violates the Divine institution, which means that the fornicators go against the Lord. And nothing good can be built on sin; sin does not build, but destroys. A person, allowing himself to have sexual intercourse before marriage, violates his spiritual nature and greatly weakens his will, opens the gates to sin, he has already given in and it is very difficult for him to resist temptations. Having not learned abstinence before marriage, he will not be abstinent even in marriage, he will not be reborn miraculously. If it is as easy for a guy to sleep with a girl as taking her to the movies, then he will just as easily give himself permission to immodest glances around, and then to betrayal already in marriage. Violating his virginity before marriage, a person loses a lot, he will never be able to feel those joyful experiences, novelty, purity of relationships that are given to chaste people. Sexual relationships do not go unnoticed and people who have several partners before marriage will carry it all into the family, which, of course, will greatly harm both their loved ones and themselves. Previous relationships, sexual experiences can be extremely vivid impressions, and they will greatly hinder the establishment of good, harmonious relationships in the family. As one popular hit says: “And when I hug her, I still remember you.” And it is quite possible that a guy “with experience”, hugging and kissing his wife, will at that moment think about something completely different. Most men (with rare exceptions) want to marry a virgin and be the first man in the life of the woman they love. Nobody wants to be second, sixth or fifteenth. Anyone would prefer new, untouched, used. Once I listened to a conversation of an Orthodox psychologist, a woman, and she said that she heard the term “used girl” among the youth. It is very accurately said: they used it and found another one for themselves.
Sexual energy is a huge force, the energy of sex, and a person simply must learn to keep it under control, otherwise he risks turning into a sexually preoccupied, sick, both physically and mentally being. Sexual energy, in addition to its main and great goal - procreation and strengthening of love between spouses, has one more property. If a person has not yet created a family, but does not spend his sexual energy on fornication and mental fornication, it can be used by him for “peaceful purposes”, realized in creativity, labor, and any other activity. And there can be no harm from abstinence. Look at Orthodox monasteries, the main part of their inhabitants are strong, healthy, still young men, many of whom took monastic vows when they were almost teenagers (after all, a lot of work is required in a modern monastery). And the monks both spiritually and physically feel very well. Why? They have the right disposition for abstinence and chastity. They struggle with prodigal thoughts, and do not kindle them in themselves. But people who strive for family life will only be happy in marriage when they learn to control their desires, to subordinate the flesh to the spirit. In addition to maintaining mutual fidelity, abstinence in marriage is necessary for another reason. In family life, there are periods when spouses refrain from intimate communication. During fasting, pregnancy, certain diseases. Unaccustomed to restraining their animal instincts, it will be very difficult to abstain in marriage.
By the way, about animals. Monkeys - females let males approach them on average once every two years, exclusively for procreation. An animal, unlike a human, uses its instincts as needed and will never harm itself.
Any state that thinks about the health of the nation will care about morality and promote abstinence. As it happened in America, exhausted by the consequences of the sexual revolution. There, since 1996, the Teaching Abstinence Program has been operating. It gave very good results: teenage pregnancies and abortions fell sharply. The use of condoms and other contraceptives by adolescents has also decreased. Many young people choose to remain virgin before marriage. The Abstinence Education Program succeeded the Contraceptive Education Program and teaches teenagers that abstinence can't be harmful. It is the best prevention of AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases and helps to create healthy family. After 2006 273 million dollars a year began to be allocated for this program. Thanks to pro-family policy, the United States plans to 2050. to increase its population to 350 million. And in our country, abortions are done from the budgetary funds of taxpayers, that is, from our pockets. This is where we need to catch up with America. All this data is available on the Internet, on statistical and other sites.
let's sum up some
Sin destroys the spiritual and physical nature, it is a violation of spiritual laws. They exist objectively, independently of our will, and of our faith, just like the laws of physics. You can not believe that gravity (gravity) exists and, stepping out of the window of the fifth floor, you can be killed or seriously injured. Also, by violating spiritual laws, we damage the structure of our soul, inflict a wound on it and then pay for it. If people do not keep purity before marriage, if before the wedding the future spouses were in illegal cohabitation, if they cheated on their wives or husbands, this does not pass without a trace. In marriage and just in life, they will pay for this with sorrows, family troubles and problems. I know many examples when in couples where the spouses began their sexual life before marriage, they began very soon adultery and family conflicts.
· Chapter 2
Cohabitants without marriage are not only outside family laws, they come outside the Church. They themselves deprive themselves of participation in the sacraments.
If a person living in fornication wants to be baptized, he must first either enter into a legal marriage, or leave all carnal relations with his partner, otherwise, he cannot be allowed before baptism. Indeed, in the sacrament of baptism, according to the teachings of the Church, a person dies for a carnal, sinful life and is born for a new life, as a Christian. He combines with Christ, makes vows of allegiance to God and, of course, must leave life in mortal sin. In baptism, a person is given the gift of forgiveness of all sins, and he no longer has to live as he lived before baptism.
Even cohabitants can't get married. They must first register the marriage at the registry office, and only then come to the temple and proceed to the sacrament of the wedding. They will not be married without a marriage certificate.
About what the church canons say about those who have fallen into fornication, it was discussed above. Also, about living in a "civil marriage", says rule 26
St. Basil the Great: "Fornication is not marriage and not even the beginning of marriage." This is not about ordinary fornication, but about cohabitation outside of marriage. And to people in such a state, the saint gives penance as if they had sinned fornication. Of course, until people leave their fornication or enter into marriage, they cannot receive communion.
There is an opinion: if people who are in a “civil marriage” are not allowed to take communion, then this will alienate them from the Church, and they will never come to God at all. The task of the priest is not to attract to the temple at any cost, but to show the way to salvation, guiding and sometimes admonishing. I strictly adhere to the rule: do not allow those living in a “civil marriage” to take communion.
And I don’t remember (although it may have happened) that people later left the Church. After that, I repeatedly saw them in the temple, and some even entered into a legal marriage. It all depends on how you talk to people.
Usually I politely explain why this form of relationship cannot be considered marriage, but is a serious sin (I tell why) and say that it is too early to take communion. First you need to sort out your relationship and either register a marriage or not live together. (People do not have to break all relationships, but only leave carnal cohabitation, because not everything boils down to this. Maybe they will come to their senses and get married). But before that, communion cannot be started. It's like allowing a person to take communion who fell into fornication two days ago and says that he will do the same thing tomorrow.
You can’t tell a person that black is white, and his sin is the norm. If the Church does not tell him the truth, who will? The realization that "civil marriage" puts him outside of Eucharistic communion, outside of the Chalice, can greatly influence his life. Once a woman came to me. She wanted to take communion, but said that she had been living in a “civil marriage” for many years. I accepted her confession, talked, but explained that the communion would have to be postponed. She understood everything, persuaded her man to register, and was then very grateful. This case, thank God, is not the only one.
why can't you get married without registration?
Of course, for an Orthodox person, the main event married life is a wedding, but the registration of a marriage is far from an empty affair. Unfortunately, we live in a secular state, the church is legally separated from it, and in Russia a wedding in a church is not a state act, as in some Orthodox countries.
The first Christians also could not do without painting. The Roman Empire was a state, in the highest degree, legal, and the records of civil status were then very followed. Let us recall how, during the census, the Mother of God and Joseph the Betrothed had to go to their hometown Bethlehem to enroll there.
The Christian wedding was preceded by betrothal. In the early centuries of Christianity, betrothal was separated from marriage. It was a civil act and was carried out in accordance with local customs and regulations, as far as, of course, this was possible for Christians.
The betrothal was performed solemnly, in the presence of many witnesses, who sealed the marriage document, which determined the property and legal relations of the spouses. The bride and groom exchanged rings.
Already in the Russian Empire, before the revolution, it was possible to get married only by getting married or performing another religious ceremony, according to the confession of the spouses. People of different faiths were not married. The wedding also had legal force. The church generally then kept records of acts of civil status, which are now recorded in the registry office. When a person was born, he was baptized and recorded in the register of births; when he got married, they issued a marriage certificate.
Children born out of wedlock were considered illegitimate. They could not bear the surname of their father, inherit class privileges and property of their parents.
To sign without a wedding and to get married without a painting was simply impossible according to the law.
This should be known to those people who in every possible way strive to get married without registration. By hook or by crook they persuade the priest to marry them, but they are in no hurry to formalize their relationship. His Holiness the Patriarch has repeatedly said at the annual diocesan meeting that couples can be married only if they have a marriage registration.
Unfortunately, we see that married marriages are also breaking up, and for many, marriage is not an obstacle to divorce.
In the spiritual life, periods of cooling of faith may come, then the wedding will no longer bind the husband and wife, and nothing will prevent them from running away. Human feelings - a very changeable thing.
Marriage, family must be protected. It's good if you completely trust each other, but something beyond your control can happen. Suppose a man and a woman live for a long time without registration, they have children. And then her husband dies in a car accident. Legitimate heirs appear. For example, children from a first marriage or next of kin. And there are big problems. A woman can be left with nothing. And all because the person did not want to take care of people close to him in time. An unregistered union is outside the legal field; all family laws do not apply to it. I know of a case when a woman could not even bury a man with whom she had lived for many years without registration, she was not allowed to do this by the relatives of the deceased.
· Chapter 3. Legal Aspect: Marriage or Cohabitation?
As already mentioned at the very beginning, the very expression "civil marriage", when applied to the union of a man and a woman without registration, is absolutely false. With this deceptive name, the supporters of “free relations are trying to cover up the shame of their position like a kind of fig leaf. A civil marriage can only be called what lovers of living without registration just run away from - that is, a legally established marriage registered with the civil registry office.
This body exists in order to record the state of the citizens of the state: they were born, created a family or died. The residence of two people of different sexes without registration, in legal language, is called cohabitation. And cohabitants consciously do not want to declare their civic position, and, therefore, it is impossible to call their union “civilian”.
Here is what Article 10 of the Family Code says Russian Federation about marriage:
"1. Marriage is entered into in the civil registry offices.
2. The rights and obligations of spouses arise from the date of state registration of marriage in the civil registry offices.
In any society, even in the most primitive, there are laws by which people live in a given community or state. Society itself monitors the observance of laws by people. Failure to comply with the laws will simply lead to disorder and chaos. Supporters of "free relations" often refer to the fact that in ancient times, they say, there was no registration at all, people lived as they wanted. This is not true, marriage has always existed, from the very beginning of human history. The presence of marriage is one of the differences between human society and the animal world, just the legal norms were different. In tsarist Russia, for example, marriage was registered in a church, mosque, or synagogue; in the Roman Empire, a marriage contract was signed in the presence of witnesses; the ancient Jews also signed the marriage document, somewhere the marriage was concluded simply in front of witnesses (in ancient times, a promise given in the presence of witnesses was sometimes stronger than a written document), but one way or another, the newlyweds before God, before each other and the whole state or community, testified that from now on they are husband and wife and live according to the laws established in this society. After the conclusion of the marriage, the legal wife and legitimate children also received the estate and property privileges due to them. This is how marriage differs from fornication. By the way, promiscuity (disordered sexual intercourse allegedly existed among archaic tribes) is the same historical fiction as matriarchy *. In almost all dictionaries or reference books, it is said: “Promiscuity - alleged the stage of unrestricted relations between the sexes, preceding the establishment in human society of any norms of marriage and family forms. In the 19th century Promiscuity was erroneously considered the oldest form of sexual relations in primitive society". (Sexological Dictionary)
Of course, besides marriage, there was a lot in history, in some countries monstrous debauchery reigned, in the Roman Empire there was concubinage - legalized cohabitation, but no one considered it a marriage. Of course, the forms of marriages themselves were different, sometimes completely unacceptable for Christians (for example, polygamy). But even with polygamy, there were legal wives and concubines, mistresses. But back to the registration of marriage in the registry office. What is it for? We live in a state, we are its citizens, and whether we want it or not, we must comply with the laws of our country. Everyone has passports, birth certificates and many other documents. When a new person is born, his birth is also registered in the registry office, and a certificate is issued. That is, it is evidenced that a new citizen was born in the Russian Federation, and he will live in accordance with the laws that are in force in the country. It must be registered somewhere, put on a medical record, etc. He has his rights, and will have responsibilities. Marriage, family is also the birth of something new, a cell of the state, a single organism, a family. The family is not only our personal affair, but also a state institution, Family status- this is the civil status of a person, as a resident of the state. The family has its own rights and obligations, its interests must be protected, its life is partially regulated by the laws of the country.
That is why "civil marriage" cannot be called either marriage or family. However, many people living in a “civil marriage” arrive in full confidence that they, too, have started a family. They agreed among themselves that they are husband and wife and live together.
It is not uncommon to hear how the advocates of “civil marriage” speak with great hostility and even hatred about the marriage stamp in the passport as an “empty formality”, “ink blot”, “mallet in the document”. But for some reason, another "blot" - a stamp on registration, is not considered an empty formality, but on the contrary, they are in a hurry to put it after receiving an order for an apartment. So, to be afraid not of a stamp, but of the responsibility that registration of marriage gives. If a person truly loves, stamping in his passport is not a problem for him.
State laws are supported by documents, they confirm the observance of laws regulating the rights and obligations of citizens. For example, the inspector stops the driver, the driver shows him the rights and documents for the car. Otherwise, how will he prove that this is his car, and he has the right to drive it?
If we, for example, do not have documents for land, anyone can rearrange the fence at night and say that it was so, or even take away the land from us.
We get a job - we show a diploma about our specialty, it indicates that we have received the appropriate education.
For lovers of open relationships without registration, I would suggest living without any documents for at least six months. It would be hard for them. Few normal people are ready to burn their documents and go to live in the forests (except perhaps some sectarians).
So, every sane person recognizes that documents are a necessary thing. But for some reason, when it comes to registering a marriage, for some, this act causes simply superstitious horror. They look for any excuse not to do it. The point here, of course, is not in the documents, but in the fact that people are afraid of responsibility, they are not completely confident either in themselves or in another person, they are afraid of losing their freedom and independence.
But painting is not “defiling documents”, as other advocates of “civil marriage” say, but a very serious thing.
Husband and wife testify that they are going to live as one family and bear mutual responsibility not only to God and to each other, but also to society and the state.
What is state registration of marriage? A man and a woman love each other, want to live together, bear mutual responsibility for themselves and their children, they take the state as witnesses, enter into a marital union, the state declares them to be the closest relatives (even closer than parents and children) and undertakes to monitor compliance marriage laws, to protect their rights and obligations.
"Civil marriage" is often called "trial". We'll live, we'll try, if we like it, we'll get married.
Spouses are people even closer than parents and children. Mother and child are the first degree of relationship, and spouses are zero. Even according to secular civil laws, they are closer people than children and parents. This is reflected, for example, in inheritance law.
Please tell me, is it possible to be "trial" parents? We gave birth to a baby, but we are not yet “confident in our feelings”, we want to get to know him more, get used to him, but in a year we will register as parents.
Suppose a mother gave birth to a child, but does not want to enter it in her passport (does not want to “dirty documents”), does not want her name to be mentioned in the birth certificate. But still she wants the child to live with her, so that she would be engaged in his upbringing. Such a situation is impossible. Such a mother is deprived of parental rights and the baby is transferred to a baby house. The rights of the child must be protected. The child must be registered with the mother, she undertakes to take care of him. And this is documented.
* The hypothesis of the existence of a supposedly matriarchal society in history was first put forward in the 19th century by the Swiss jurist Jacob Bachofen, who was neither a historian nor an archaeologist. He compiled his Mother Right using Egyptian and Greek myths. Later, the myth of matriarchy was happily taken up by Marxists, in particular by Engels. Modern researchers do not find any serious evidence of the matriarchal hypothesis. For those who are interested in this problem, I advise you to read the article by Stela Dzhorgudi "The Creation of the Myth of Matriarchy", placed in the book "History of Women in the West". S.p.b. 2005, T.I.
· Chapter 4
some statistics and psychology
A lot of modern young people (and not only young people) believe that those who want to get married should definitely try to live the carnal life before marriage. That this, they say, will save them from mistakes, allow them to get to know each other better, and generally show whether they are sexually compatible or not. And then you only hear about early marriages and frequent divorces. There is such a concept: practice is the criterion of truth. You can create as many theories as you like and say beautiful words, but check it in practice, and everything will immediately become clear. Facts, as they say, are stubborn things. Let's start with the fact that with the increase in the number of "trial marriages", the number of divorces began to rise sharply, and the number of registered marriages fell sharply. Why? There are statistics that only 5% of cohabitations or "trial marriages" end in registration. And if young people nevertheless entered into a legal marriage, after the experience of cohabitation, such marriages break up two (!) times more often than without experience of cohabitation. By the way, such figures are not only in our country. In the United States in Pittsburgh, specialists from Penn State University studied the family life of about one and a half thousand American couples. It turned out that couples who lived together before marriage were twice as likely to experience a divorce. Yes, and family life in these families is accompanied by b O Lots of fights and conflicts. Moreover, for the purity and accuracy of the study, data from different years were taken: the 60s, 80s and 90s of the XX century. So something is wrong; people try, try, and the number of divorces is growing, they want to get to know each other better, but they cannot stay married.
The fact is that in a trial marriage, partners do not recognize each other, but they still confuse each other even more. It is not for nothing that fornication has one root with the words: wander, err. Fornication leads people astray.
Dthe marriage period is given so that the bride and groom go through the school of relationships, without an admixture of passion, a riot of hormones and permissiveness. All this makes it very difficult to objectively evaluate a person, to see in him not a sexual object, but a personality, a friend, a future spouse. The brain, feelings are clouded by the dope of passion. And when people create a family after a “trial marriage”, very often they understand: everything that connected them was not love, but a strong sexual attraction, which, as you know, passes very quickly. So it turns out that in one family there were completely strangers. The courtship period is given to the bride and groom precisely so that they learn abstinence, better see each other not as sexual partners, not sharing a joint life, living space and bed, but from a completely different, clean, friendly, human, if you want romantic side.
In addition to the fact that “civil marriage” is a false and deceptive phenomenon, and is only an illusion of a family, it also does not allow partners to build their relationship.
That is why so few "civil marriages" end in registration. People initially do not perceive their union as something significant, serious and permanent, their relationship is shallow, freedom and independence are more precious to them. Or they are just insecure about their feelings. And even the years spent together do not add confidence to them, but to their union of strength.
Once a girl came to me for confession and admitted that she lives with a guy without a stamp. And she began to talk about free, informal relationships. I told her, "You're just not sure if you love him." She thought about it and answered: “Yes, you are right, I don’t fully know if I can live my life with him.” I have had many such cases; when it came to frankness, people usually hid their eyes and admitted that the obstacle to entering into a legal marriage for them was not the lack of their own housing or money for a wedding, but insecurity in a partner and in their own feelings for him.
But if you are not sure of your feelings, just be friends, communicate, but do not call it marriage, do not demand everything at once. The most important thing in this “marriage” is not love and trust in each other.
If you love, then one hundred percent. You can not love half, especially a spouse. This is no longer love, but distrust, insecurity in love, it is she who underlies the "civil marriage".
When people are confident in their feelings, then, on the contrary, they strive to quickly fix the relationship in some visible way, to consolidate them. And the fact that they do not do this speaks of one thing: consciously or subconsciously, they are not sure that they can be together all their lives.
Artist Mikhail Boyarsky, says that at one time his wife put him before a choice: “either let's part or get married. I said: I do not want to part with you. "Then get married," she said. Why do I need this stamp in my passport? She doesn't mean anything. - I said. “If it doesn’t mean anything, then what’s the catch?” she asked. Indeed: if you love, there is no hitch, you took it and signed it, and if you are unsure of your feelings, you will run from marriage like fire. I must say that Mikhail Sergeyevich nevertheless went to meet Larisa, they registered a marriage and have been married for more than 30 years.
Sometimes a “civil marriage” is called fruitless, firstly, because cohabitants, as a rule, are afraid to have children, they can’t figure out in their relationship why they need more problems, troubles and responsibilities. Secondly, "civil marriage" cannot give birth to anything new, it is fruitless spiritually and even spiritually. When people create a legal family, they take responsibility. When entering into marriage, a person decides to live with his spouse all his life, go through all the trials together, share both joy and sorrow in half. He no longer feels separate from his soul mate, and the spouses, willy-nilly, must come to unity, learn to bear each other's burdens, build their relationships, interact and, most importantly, learn to love each other. Like a person has parents, brothers, sisters, with them he wants - if you don’t want to, he must learn to get along, find a common language, otherwise life in the family will become unbearable
A. V. Kurpatov, a modern domestic psychologist, called "civil marriage" a ticket with an open date. “Partners always know that they have a ticket, so if something goes wrong, at any moment, waved, and be healthy, stay happy. With this approach, there is no motive to invest in a relationship in full - it's like renovating a rented apartment.
In assessing “civil marriage”, another Russian psychotherapist Nikolai Naritsyn agrees with him: “cohabitation is in no way a marriage, a family, and even less a marriage - and not so much according to the law, but in fact! This means that in such an "alliance" it is at least naive to hope that your partner, when making any decisions (especially if they affect your mutually exclusive interests), will take into account your needs. And it is just as naive to make claims that this person behaved this way and not otherwise - in most cases, alas, he does not owe you anything, and is free to do as he (she) pleases!
"Civil marriage" can be called a "school of irresponsibility." People gathered without any obligations, if they didn’t like it, they fled, the door is open for everyone. The partners came together for mutual irresponsible pleasure, and not for "carrying each other's burdens." No one owes nothing to nobody. And the relationship itself does not imply any depth. Life in a “civil marriage” can be compared to a pleasure bus ride, where you can get off at any stop.
On the Internet there is a site "Perezhit.ru". He provides assistance to those who broke up with a loved one. The creator of this site, Dmitry Semenik, writes about people who have been living in a “civil marriage” for several years: “At the age of sixteen or twenty, they began to live in a so-called civil marriage, and this lasts three or four, and more often five years. Then suddenly comes the understanding that something needs to be changed, that this is a road to nowhere. Preparations for the wedding begin, sometimes they already buy rings. And then they part forever.
Some even manage to get married, but the marriage breaks up almost immediately. And such an ending is natural. We underestimate the educational role of “civil marriage”, and it is not without reason that psychologists of the “gloss” so unloved by me propagandize it. Such a form life together- this is not preparation for marriage at all, but a completely different path. This is the school of irresponsible pleasures. Therefore, people in a “civil marriage” live quite peacefully, that demons do not tempt them - why turn people off the disastrous path? And when, after several years of such a false marriage, they decide to get married, they suddenly realize how dramatically they will have to change their lives, to impose some obligations on themselves. This leads to dire consequences. The school of irresponsible pleasures cannot prepare you for entering the academy of responsibility and love.”
But it happens that "civil marriage" turns into a kind of psychological slavery.
female share
Of course, women suffer the most from “civil marriage”. They often find themselves in a very humiliating position. It would seem that; everyone is free and can leave at any moment, but it turns out that getting off this “bus” for a woman is sometimes psychologically very difficult. By nature, women are more dependent and less determined than men. And their unscrupulous cohabitants take advantage of this. It is known that the vast majority of women who are in a state of cohabitation would like to legitimize the relationship. Any woman is looking for stability and reliability for herself and for her children. But the decision, as always, remains with men. And now, some “slave of love” suffer for years, wait and ask partners to formalize a legal marriage, and they only feed them with promises and say beautiful words about their "high and informal relationship". "And the years fly, our years fly like birds," moreover best years, youth. And now, somewhere after 35, a woman begins to understand that she has less and less chance of getting married, but she often does not have enough strength to give up cohabitation. (What if I don’t meet anyone else and I’ll be alone for the rest of my life) And it turns out that the unstable, suspended state of cohabitation does not allow her to build normal relationships with her man and also does not allow her to find, perhaps, true love, create a family, have children and be happy.
A woman living in a “common-law marriage” wrote a letter to a well-known psychologist: “My boyfriend never takes me to corporate parties. Although I know that there are wives of employees. We have been in a “civil marriage” for more than a year, and the relationship is good.” Here is what the psychologist answered her: “Generally speaking, the concept of “civil marriage” very deceptive Do you consider your young man a husband, but does he think of you as a spouse? If he does not take to corporate parties, he most likely does not think. Why is your marriage still civil - this, in fact, is the question. Try to answer it for yourself.
It is known from the results of polls that there are more "married" people in our country than "married". Where did this phenomenon come from? Women, being in a "civil marriage", almost always call their cohabitants "husbands", and they do not always consider their girlfriends "wives".
I also want to warn women living in a civil marriage about another danger. We have already said that cohabitation is outside the law, outside the legal field. In the event of the death of a “civil husband” or separation from him, the cohabitant does not have the right to inheritance and jointly acquired property, as is the case in a legal marriage. But also when parting with a partner in the presence of common children, a woman can be left without alimony. There is such a legal concept: “presumption of paternity”. By law, if a child is born of persons who are legally marriagebetween themselves, as well as within 300 days from the date of dissolution of marriage or from the date ofof death spouse mothers child, fatherchild is recognizedspouse(ex-spouse) of the mother, unless provenother. That is, the father of any child is consideredhusbandmother of the child (or the person who was the legal spouse at the time of conception). For persons in a "civil marriage", the presumption of paternity, of course, does not apply. Thus, if a cohabitant renounces paternity, he can be forced to pay alimony only in judicial order. This will take a lot of money and a lot of time, with no guarantee of any result. The courts are now hearing a huge number of such cases.
Too many former "common-law husbands" renounce their paternity. And this is not surprising, because even legal fathers very often do everything to avoid paying alimony.
* * *
Family Orthodox psychologist I.A. Rakhimova, in order to show people who are in a “civil marriage” the falsity and meaninglessness of their condition, offers such couples a test: To believe your feelings, for a while (say for 2 months), stop bodily relationships. And if they agree to this, then there are usually two options: either they part, if they were connected only by passion; or get married - which also happens. Abstinence, patience allows you to take a fresh look at each other, to fall in love without an admixture of passion.
I usually give the same advice. I explain why cohabitation without marriage is a sin, and what consequences it has, and I suggest: if you do not have serious intentions to marry, it is better to leave, such a state will not lead to anything good. If young people want to legitimize their relationship, I advise them to stop intimate communication before marriage. After all, not everything is limited to this, you can be friends, communicate, show your tenderness and affection in some other way. That's when you really get to know each other better.
Most of today's young people, unfortunately, do not have the skill of independent thinking. They live by inertia, according to externally imposed standards. As Vysotsky sang at one time: “What do we see, he says, besides television?” What about on TV? Dom-2 and talk show "about it". Ksyusha Sobchak and other glamorous divas tell: "how should we live." Youth is everything, consumes and does not think at all that “taking everything from life” at the age of 20, in middle age you will not be able to take anything. There will be no health, no normal family, no happiness. All this is very sad, because in youth the foundation is laid for a future, full life. Education is acquired, a family is created, children are born. Then it will be difficult to do this, and for many it will even be too late.
To be like everyone else, not to stand out from the crowd, according to the principle: “everyone ran, and I ran,” of course, it’s easy. I am reminded of a conversation with the Assistant Inspector of the Seminary. When I was guilty of something while studying in theological schools, and, justifying myself, I said: “But, they still do it ...”, he told me: “And if tomorrow everyone jumps into the well, are you following them too? will you jump?" The Monk Barsanuphius of Optina said: “Try to live as God commands, and not “as everyone lives,” because the world lies in evil.” He said this in the 19th century, the more these words can be attributed to our century.
People who have made mistakes in their youth suffer greatly from this in the second half of their lives, first of all, remorse, because this voice of God speaks in every person. There are not so many young people who remain chaste and do not cohabit before marriage, but “do not be afraid, little flock!” (Luke 12:32), says the Lord. But spiritual and moral the minority is always stronger, stronger than the lax and weak-willed majority, and is even able to influence it. We see an example of this in the very history of Christianity, when a small community of Christians managed to change the consciousness of the Roman Empire, which was mired in paganism and depravity. And those who keep themselves pure for the marriage union, the reward awaits: joy, blessing and God's help in marriage.
is there a way out?
What should people do who have not preserved themselves in purity and chastity due to being cut off from faith and traditions? The Lord heals our wounds, if only a person sincerely repents, confesses his sins and corrects himself. A Christian is given a chance to change himself and his life, although this is not at all easy.
Having embarked on the path of correction, one cannot look back to the past, then the Lord will certainly help everyone who sincerely turns to Him. AND
And further; if your chosen one or chosen one has a negative premarital experience, in no case should you be interested in the sinful past of a person and reproach him for it.
The Lord does not limit our freedom, He in His commandments warns us of danger, telling us that the path of sin is the path of sorrows and death, even here, in our earthly life, we will reap the bitter fruits of our wrong deeds. God wants us to be happy, and happiness cannot be found in the path of vice. It's time to start living "as God commands, and not as everyone else lives." The fruits of general sexual laxity and a frivolous attitude towards marriage are already clearly visible: in our country, 40% are brought up outside the family, two-thirds of marriages break up, and more than 5 million abortions are performed a year. Meanwhile, the country's population is rapidly declining. If we do not stop and think, but continue to “live like everyone else”, then in a few decades there will simply be no Russia, there will be some completely different country, most likely with a Muslim population. After all, Muslims have everything in order with family values and fertility.
· Chapter 5
When I was in school, there was no need for young boys and girls to prove that marriage, the birth of children is good and right. No one (or almost no one) could imagine that he would never create a family, would not see children, grandchildren. A person who has not created a family cannot find family happiness. Was considered either sick or a failure. Now the situation is different. Not without the help of the media, people began to fear marriage. Youth magazines educate teenagers in such a way that they, in principle, will never be able to create a strong family. A model of behavior is proposed that is not compatible with marriage at all. A young man should be irresponsible, rude, independent, cynical, enter adulthood as late as possible. Girls are brought up as future bitches who know how to get along well, seduce men, and then manipulate them. And, of course, as the most important slogan, the notorious: “Take everything from life!” and "You deserve it." Any sane person understands that, following these tips, it is impossible to find family happiness.
Let's talk a little about why people get married. The answer to this question is very simple. Let us turn again to the book of Genesis: “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Gen. 2.18). What does it mean? God creates two very different beings: a man and a woman. It would not cost anything to God to create a hermaphrodite, combining two principles: male and female. It is known that the same-sex method of reproduction is the simplest, most effective and productive. Same-sex creatures are the most viable. Scientists, biologists in the 60s of the XX century thought hard: “Why did nature choose such an inconvenient and unproductive way of reproduction for a person? Why are there two different sexes? And the answer was never found. And there is only one answer: "God created man and woman for love." For people to complement and love each other. Without love, a person cannot be happy.
Love is not transmitted genetically from ancestors, like beauty, eye color, physical strength, talents. It cannot be inherited like the capital of a wealthy uncle. It cannot be purchased with money. On the contrary, wealth greatly interferes with love. After all, a rich man is often loved insincerely, but because of his wealth and influence. For money, for material goods, no one will not love anyone. Love is acquired only by our personal labor and feat. It can, of course, be given as a gift. But even here, if we do not appreciate this gift, do not keep and support it, it will be taken away from us very soon.
Love is the only real value, everything else that comes has its own time. "Love for all ages". Indeed, both children, and mature people, and old people love, and this gives them all real happiness. Both faith and hope are manifestations of love. We trust God because we love Him, we trust a loved one and hope that he also loves us. Without love, even the richest person on earth will not be happy. Even if at some point he is very comfortable, he is satisfied and thinks that he will live without love, anyway, sooner or later there comes a moment when he realizes that he is miserable and unhappy, no one loves him. He will not take money, factories, etc. with him into eternity, but love always remains with a person.
The English writer veterinarian James Harriot describes a poor farmer who sits in his small kitchen surrounded by loving children and his wife and says: "You know, I'm happier than any king now." This is true happiness: to love and be loved. Love, real feelings between a man and a woman are possible only in marriage. And that's why. Neither simple sexual relations, nor even cohabitation with one permanent partner in the so-called "civil marriage" does not imply true love and responsibility for a loved one, for children. What kind of love is it if people seem to initially agree: “Today we are together, and tomorrow we fled.” Or: “We are “spouses” without a stamp in the passport, but are not connected in any way, the door is open for each of us.” At the heart of such relationships is always distrust. Either one or both partners seem to say: "I'm not sure (on) that I can live with you all my life."
“The former functions of marriage are now devalued. Status, money, sex and even children - all this happens in modern society and outside of marriage. And that is why young people often say: “Why is it needed, this marriage? It is quite possible without it. Even better". And not better, because the world has changed not only in terms of the devaluation of marriage, but also in the fact that people, in general, have become more indifferent to each other, do not have time to build deep relationships. They are now, as a rule, connected by business, not relationships. We are entering a world where psychological loneliness will become a real epidemic. AND only in marriage there is an opportunity to find that spiritual intimacy that will not allow us to feel lonely. That's what you need to remember." These words belong not to a priest, not to an Orthodox family man, for whom the concepts: family, marriage are sanctified by God Himself, but to a person who is very far from questions of faith and spirituality, the popular psychologist A.V. Kurpatov.
Well-known journalist Gennady Bachinsky, who recently died in a car accident, once said in an interview:
“I went through a lot, there is something to compare. And now it’s obvious to me: you can’t think of anything better than a normal family. When there is no family, there is an inner feeling that you are free. Live together, and you are free. You can always leave. A person who knows he cannot leave behaves differently.
I deliberately cited here the statements not of the holy fathers and Orthodox theologians, but of completely secular people, so that it is clear that any honest, sincere person sooner or later understands that “civil marriage” is a false, meaningless state.
On this path, a person will never find true love and happiness. The most regrettable thing is that young people, neither on TV, nor in films, nor on the example of the families of their parents or friends, do not see that there are happy, friendly families. And, thank God, they exist, but it is unfashionable and unpopular to talk about it now. The propaganda of a free, cheerful life without marriage is directed, first of all, to young people, and this is scary. After all, it is in youth that a person must lay the right foundation for his future life. At first it seems that life is good: good job, money, career, friends. And in the second half of life, a person sees that his school friends already have grandchildren, and he is all alone. This is especially hard for women. I can testify as a priest that people who did not marry, or could not somehow embody their love, suffer greatly from this. After all, we were created to love. You can often hear even from Orthodox people that the purpose of marriage is the birth and upbringing of children. Procreation is a very important task, but if the spouses set themselves only this goal, I think that they should not start a family at all. The purpose of marriage is exactly the same as the purpose of the Christian life in general. That is, the fulfillment of the two main commandments: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind” and “love thy neighbor as thyself” (Matthew 22:37-39). And spouses are given the opportunity to fully fulfill this commandment of love. For my neighbor is sometimes with me 24 hours a day, and I can love and pity him all this time. And through love for the image of God, that is, for man, we learn to love for the Invisible God Himself.
Why family is happiness? Because the family helps us constantly feel every day that there is someone we love more than ourselves. It is known, for example, that parents, as a rule, love their children more than the children of their parents. But that doesn't make parents any less happy. For children are able to give them much more joy, good mood than we give them.
And happiness also depends on how we value what God gives us. In our case, it is love, family.
Maybe it will sound a little pathetic, but I will say that the balance of the forces of good and evil in the world depends on whether there is peace in each particular family, or whether sin and evil reign there. It's easier than ever to scold the government, reformers, oligarchs, and cheat on their wives, have abortions or abandon children in maternity hospitals. Or even with constant quarrels and conflicts, poison the life of yourself and your loved ones. How can Russia become a great and prosperous country if we have 5 million official and another 1 million clandestine abortions a year, if thousands of children are left by their mothers in a child's home? Do we deserve a good life after this? It's amazing how we're still alive? The family is an indicator, a litmus test of the state of society as a whole. Is it healthy or in a state of serious illness. That is why the issue of peace and love in the family is the most important issue facing society and each of us. But it depends only on us what the "weather" will be in our house, in our family.
· Applications
· Interview to the Internet portal "Orthodoxy and the World" about "civil marriage"
- What motivates people, including the churched, when they do not want to traditionally marry, but do it after several months, or even years of living together in cohabitation?
Once upon a time, quite a long time ago, the editor-in-chief of the Foma magazine, Vladimir Legoyda, presented me with his book Do Jeans Interfere with Salvation. It addressed the question of whether certain elements of the youth subculture, for example, wearing jeans, are acceptable for an Orthodox person. Today, I'm afraid, almost none of the church youth thinks about how jeans affect his spiritual state. People sometimes do not notice obvious and grave sins in their lives. And it's time to write the book "Does 'civil marriage' interfere with salvation." Here by "civil marriage" I mean the popular name for prodigal cohabitation. Yes, as they say: we have arrived, there is nowhere else to go. Even in a very ecclesiastical environment, there are now couples who are not averse to living without registration and wedding before the wedding. Why do they do this? Because they do not live a spiritual life, but have replaced it with church paraphernalia and live "like everyone else", that is, without thinking about anything. For many people, marriage, a real traditional family, has ceased to be the highest value. Many now live by inertia, not understanding what tragic consequences the denial of the family institution can lead to, both for them personally and on a national scale.
-Why is this happening, why are many people afraid of it?
As Shakespeare says: “The connecting thread of days has broken, how can I connect its ends?” Lost are the traditions that connected us with our ancestors, and they knew how to create strong, friendly families. Russians family traditions this is a huge worldly experience, refracted through the prism of Orthodoxy. This experience was still partially preserved in Soviet times, and when the system collapsed, there was not even an ideology left in the country, which, after all, was a restraining, moral principle. Unfortunately, the majority of people never came to true faith. The consequence of all this is the deplorable state of morality and the family. By the way, about the death of the empire. Immediately after the collapse of the USSR, in the early 90s, there was such a number of divorces in the country that we did not know before or after, as well as a huge number of suicides. On the one hand, people lost their restraining beginning, and on the other, they became disoriented, they no longer understood: where to go and with whom to go, what to do, they lost their protection. As Vysotsky already says: “Yesterday they gave me freedom, what will I do with it?” But, I repeat, the majority of compatriots never came to faith, and after all, only in faith and in the revival of family traditions is the salvation of the country. The country should not consist of individuals, but of families, only then it is alive.
Modern youth is also afraid of marriage because they see very few examples of real strong families, where people do not quarrel, do not quarrel, but live peacefully and in harmony, build a home, love each other. Unfortunately, there are very few such families left. And, accordingly, people began to be afraid. Now the family is a big risk. They see that there are no examples of a real family, no traditions, and as a result, a fear of long-term relationships. They believe that in order to get to know each other better, you need to act according to such a Western scheme: live, learn, try, and then “get together for real”, checking your relationship, checking yourself as a domestic or sexual partner. It would seem that it sounds convincing, but, as you know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And now I will explain the fallacy of the above arguments. There is such a concept: practice is the criterion of truth. You can say a lot of beautiful words in defense of "trial marriages", but check it with practice, and everything will immediately become clear. With the increase in cohabitation before marriage, the number of divorces has risen sharply, and the number of registered marriages has fallen sharply. Why? There is a statistic that only small cohabitations end with registration. And those marital unions where there was an experience of cohabitation before marriage break up twice as often as marriages where there was no such cohabitation. And by the way, this picture is not only with us. It means that something is wrong: they try, try, check in order to get to know each other better, but they cannot stay in marriage, and the situation with marriages as a whole is getting worse and worse. So is it worth trying then, why? After all, when people did not try, when the family was the highest value, when from the moment of registration people bore all the responsibility initially, there were much fewer divorces. Now we know that in the 1990s, 80% of marriages broke up. Two-thirds of marriages now fail. There was no such situation before. When people, instead of trying, believed that their choice should be made once in a lifetime, in Soviet times, this was practically the norm. So many girls took care of themselves for the only loved one. Even early marriages were strong enough.
In fact, a person who tries like this, believes that one should live without any responsibility, that is, simply put, have all the rights, but not have duties, and thinks that such a relationship will lead him to create a strong family, is in a big delusion, because it is best to know a person, precisely without communicating with him on the bodily level, without sharing a common life, a common bed, to know a person just better from the outside. That is, it will not be a choice in a state of erotic frenzy. You need to first build friendships, see your chosen one as a person, as a friend, as a person, and do it better just at a distance. Everything big and worthwhile is seen from a distance. And everything else, including bodily relationships, is then attached as a kind of reward for patience and expectation. When the bride and groom communicate, this is a special trembling, almost festive period, when people immediately plunge into carnal relationships, they deprive themselves of a lot, and, as the sad statistics of divorces and so-called “civil marriages” that break up show, this experience is completely gives nothing. The period of cohabitation, on the contrary, complicates the choice of a person. That is, the choice is made under the great influence of erotic attraction and a riot of hormones. And this is very disturbing, because the choice of a life partner must be made by the heart and mind. Love must be intelligent, not mad. And your choice must be made very prudently. You need to weigh everything so as not to make a mistake.
And finally, the most important thing; if we want the Lord to bless our marriage and send us family happiness, in no case should such a serious and good deed as starting a family start with sin. Sin, the violation of spiritual laws, brings only destruction and misfortune.
- What to answer to women, men who, after a divorce, say: “If I had known (knew) before what he (she) is in family life, when we went to the movies together and watched the sunset, I would not have connected (la ) with him your life? And next time, these people under no circumstances agree to marry without recognizing the applicant in everyday life?
Of course, you need to know a person, no one says that after a month of communication with him, you need to go to the registry office. There is a general unwritten, but very wise rule that you need to communicate before marriage for at least a year. Term: 1 -1.5 years - this is the time when young people should communicate, make friends, learn relationships. It is to build relationships as future spouses. But why do you need to live together for this, and what does it give?
- It gives the fact that a person is revealed in a completely different way. People can meet for a year or two, giving gifts on holidays and talking about quivering love, but in life, when a joint relationship begins, something may suddenly open up with which it is impossible to coexist, to the point that one of the partners receives a deep psychological trauma.
I am absolutely sure that if you do not share life with a person, but thoughtfully communicate, make friends, do common things, and not just correspond by e-mail, then you can get to know a person enough. I explain that premarital life together does not give anything in terms of recognition. Sometimes cohabitants are united not by relationships at all, but by common life and joint affairs, and it begins to seem to them that an illusion is created that they have complete harmony, then marriage is concluded, and the young people understand that they are completely strangers to each other. And they lived together, and ate and slept, but they did not create anything. Again, there are ruthless statistics. Look, now people very often try and try, live and live, and marriages break up, and much more often. So what does it give, tell me? Maybe in a separate case, someone believes that this gave him something, but general data, facts are a stubborn thing, they speak of the fallacy of such views. The experience of our parents, the experience of the generation of people who are now 50-60 years old shows that this is absolutely not necessary. Absolutely marriage will not become stronger, and people will not know each other better. Because the period of grooming is given to a person not only so that he chooses better or refuses, it is given to a person so that he, without an admixture of sex, life, routine, learns to build relationships with another person, learns to love, forgive, come to an agreement on many questions. These relationships should not be at all on the level, for example, of making money together, spending it or arranging housing. Why are such relationships fruitless? Because a person, signing or getting married, does not just marry, puts a stamp, a person takes on a whole range of obligations. And people who are in such an irresponsible state do not really build their relationships. People came together for irresponsible pleasures, and not for "carrying each other's burdens." No one owes nothing to nobody. People who believe that they need to live together before marriage should understand that the most important thing is not just to get used to each other in everyday life, it is not so difficult, but to learn how to build relationships, interact. And when people get married for real, they really understand that this is already serious, that the door is closed, and then you need to learn to live together, seek consent. In a free state, people can live for years, but there will be no depth of love, really strong feelings. It is possible that they will feel good and easy in communication, but our task is completely different: to become one flesh in marriage. And cohabitation outside of marriage is generally not an acceptable phenomenon, it is a sin, and young people are trying to build a foundation on sin family happiness, because as a rule, people do this in order to formalize their relationship normally in the future, and initially they make a very big mistake in it. A thing is built on sin, which for a person is one of the main things in life. The creation of a family, the birth of children.
Every person aspires to the ideal that you are talking about: church or non-church. Everyone wants happiness in family life. And in life it turns out quite differently. And it turns out that people want the best, even observing the rules of chastity and marriage, but there is still a complete break. Some do not go into such relationships because of sinfulness, but because of the “realities of life” they encounter. For example, in marriage, someone relaxes and behaves "without brakes", knowing that the partner will not go anywhere from him.
This is a sad situation with the institution of marriage in general. This is a generally wrong attitude towards the family, which has arisen recently. Not because legal marriage is bad, but because we have become bad.
But, by the way, the reluctance to formalize the relationship can relax no less. A male cohabitant can feed his girlfriend for many years with promises to sign, torment her, knowing that having spent so much time on him, it will not be easy for her to leave. And the years pass, youth leaves, but a woman could find love somewhere, create a real family. And the man, meanwhile, enjoys his freedom.
But I know that legal marriage most often just disciplines people. This is already a very serious step when we take the state as witnesses, and also take full responsibility for each other. We have not only rights, but also legal obligations. And the consciousness of this responsibility just serves as a deterrent. Now people will think a hundred times before running to the registry office and getting divorced. Previously, the official, legal status of marriage was given by the church, now, unfortunately, the church cannot issue state documents, you need to go to the registry office. It is clear that this step requires a very great responsibility, because it is much easier to part in cohabitation. He collected his clothes and left. And here already there is a whole range of all sorts of problems. Only at first glance it seems that modern divorce is a very simple matter. Nothing like this. Jointly acquired property, children, condemnation of relatives, loss of social status of a family person, and so on.
Therefore, it is not at all worth calling cohabitation a marriage; civilian or non-civilian. A cohabiting person has no right to anything. According to the church, such relationships are called fornication, according to civil - cohabitation. After all, it is actually understandable why people run from Serious relationships- this is based on uncertainty. Uncertainty in our feelings, insecurity that we can really live in marriage, that we will not get divorced, that there will be no problems when we get married, and also the fear of losing our freedom. This is especially painful for men. For many men, independence is the highest value. Please, you think that you are free, but at the age of 60 people suddenly realize that the highest value is in the family. There are no children or grandchildren, and if they are, then you left them, and they hardly want to communicate with you. So, no matter how much I talked to such people, the so-called “civil marriages” are based on distrust of each other, fear of losing imaginary freedom. It is clear that there is no talk of any love and responsibility, because love is a sacrifice, it is life for a loved one. If people are confident in each other, it’s no problem for them to put a stamp, sign and get married. I remember myself, when my future mother gave me consent, I was very happy, I wanted to register and get married faster, I was even afraid, suddenly, something would change, suddenly change my mind? Now, for the most part, men go to the registry office as if they were on the chopping block. But any person who loves wants a true relationship, not a surrogate.
-But what if the person is really not sure?
Wait, communicate, get to know each other better. If you don’t like something, look for another life partner, but not a sexual partner. Mistakes do happen, and it is better to recognize them before registering a marriage. But relationships should not defile the conscience, the soul.
- With young young people, everything is clear. Indeed, you should not start your life with a change of partners. What advice would you give to adults? There are people with bad family experiences who do not want to be alone, but are afraid of repeating past mistakes. Their wounds are too painful to plunge into responsibility like that, from which they did not see anything good. They are not looking for entertainment, but they also do not want to recklessly run to the registry office. The words "to be friends", "to communicate" even sound funny to them. A man at the age of 40 will not be “friends” with a woman for a year or two, nevertheless, you need to get to know her. So, in the life of such a person everything is over?
I can advise all the same: do not rush. A solid man, in years, haste did not stick at all. He doesn’t choose shoes, but his other half, you can’t make a mistake here. Why not meet for a year? What's bad about it? Who died from this? Moreover, you need to see a person not only in the romantic light of the moon or in the cinema, but also solve problems together, make friends, but avoid intimacy. Is it unrealistic? Let a person look at what his chosen one is like in communication with parents, friends - this says a lot, but why just intimacy? Do not underestimate communication, many things are immediately visible. Another thing is how often girls say: "Even when we met, I saw that he was like that, but did not attach any importance." And it is necessary to give, instead of quickly rushing into the arms. The commonality of views is very important so that people look in the same direction, understand each other. But they were not surprised after a few years: we are completely different, I saw (saw) this, but before it attracted, but now there is nothing to even talk about. The husband wants to go fishing, and the wife wants to go to the theater, they are bored together. And two loneliness live under one roof. The task of the spouses is to become one soul, one body in marriage, and not to scatter on different sides of life. It is because of lack of communication that most marriages fail. According to statistics, most marriages break up due to the fact that they do not have common topics, common interests. And in this year or so, people have the opportunity to find out if they have a common interest or not, this is what people who want to start a family should do. After quick marriages, for example, very interesting things turn out, for example, the wife wants many children, and the husband wants one, or the wife wants to work, and the husband is against it. And where did these people think before, why not discuss all this earlier, even before starting a family? For some reason, it is believed that endure, fall in love.
Father Pavel, I listen to you and understand what you need to take into account when you want to start a family, how to look at the chosen one, what to pay attention to in his (her) behavior ... Does it happen that love crosses out all these points of correspondence? After all, it may be that a person sees alone positive sides, compliance on all counts, but there is no love there?
True love is not born immediately. My deep conviction is that true Christian love is born already in marriage and after not a single year has passed. And before that, there is love, which is also given from God. The feeling is sublime, strong, but not always sacrificial, deep and real, all this comes much later. It happens that young people got married out of terrible love, and then they also loved passionately - fiercely hated their chosen one. Do not trust blazing feelings. African passions are not some kind of guide to action and a guarantee of a strong family.
It often happens that a person during premarital intercourse, in a state of love, voluntarily or involuntarily hides his shortcomings. Suppose a girl wants to see how her future husband behaves in certain situations, and she sees that he behaves perfectly. But the march of Mendelssohn died down - and she discovers that human behavior has changed exactly the opposite.
In fact, a person can change even in marriage without even trying to lie. We are not insured against anything. It is also clear that if a person sets out to deceive, he can do it. All the same, it is necessary that the mind is not clouded by this emotional love, then after all, much can be seen. It’s not just that the saying “Love is evil, you will love and ...” was invented, but not love, but falling in love. Sometimes they approach a girl and say: “this person has problems with drugs, alcohol”, and she replies - “no, he is the best”, or “nothing, I will re-educate him, I have such love that mountains will move”. Our mind should not be blinded. And, of course, the most important thing is to pray to the Lord for the arrangement of his personal life.
We know that, unfortunately, even in the Orthodox environment, marriages break up. It also happens that both church people, married, talked for a long time, went to church from childhood - and got divorced. There really is no panacea. No one will give you any guarantees and claims to present, in fact, there is no one to whom. What is important is only the mutual desire to be one flesh and spirit, patience. A wedding certificate is not a document that guarantees a long and happy marriage and death in one day. Now a considerable number of even church people are getting divorced and abandoning their children. Although, of course, in a secular environment, these negative phenomena are much more common. Church and non-church people, to the greatest regret, have ceased to see real value in marriage. But this does not mean that cohabitation will solve these problems.
- Maybe it happens because of the complexity of life in general? After all, today's young people are not at all young people of the Soviet period, where everything was more or less stable. The young man and the girl got married - they knew for sure that they would be sent to work, they would be allocated from work, if not an apartment, then at least a hostel for a start, then - “odnushka”, “kopeck piece”, etc. And if you ask visiting young people who work at McDonald's, study at night and rent rooms, can they afford such a luxury as starting a family? They cannot even dream, their parents in the provinces are waiting for help, often some also support younger brothers and sisters, nevertheless, they are also people, they also fall in love. What should these young people do, wait until they are 30 years old and they will at least get back on their feet? So the poor have no right to love? Can such a relationship be called fornication? I'm not talking about prosperous young people who just want to have fun and have fun.
- Not everything went well in Soviet times. With housing, especially in Moscow, even then it was very bad. Let's remember how many communal apartments were overcrowded, and now, how many of them can you find? Very many young people of the generation of my parents got married, while studying at the institute, studied, worked part-time, lived in a hostel, and then sometimes still went to work on distribution from Moscow somewhere beyond the Urals. And nothing. Because they wanted to love, they wanted to be together and they understood that for all this you need to create a family, you can’t just cohabit. In fact, if a person wants to start a family, nothing will stop him. You can get married - and solve life's problems together, it will be even easier. In fact, in terms of making money, even without education, the opportunities are much greater now than in those days. If a person wants a family, children and is not lazy, he will be able to feed her, will not wait for some super-conditions. One of my acquaintances has a wife and two children, but he cannot find a job in his Penza region, so he travels to Moscow, works on shifts at a construction site. He feeds his family and even bought an inexpensive foreign car. I often communicate with young Muslim guys from Tajikistan and Uzbekistan who come here to work. Almost everyone has wives and children. They come here, live here in inhuman conditions, work seven days a week at a construction site or in a taxi, eat Doshirak noodles and bread, and then return to their wife and children and take them all the money they earn. Because for them the family is sacred, they are ready to work and endure a lot for them. And in fact, there is no feat in this, this is the norm. They are not Muslims so strong, but we have become very weak. And if, finally, we do not understand that the strength, the future is in the family and children, we will all soon feel very bad.
If for a person the family is the highest value, for him everyday problems will not play a decisive role. Every time has its pros and cons. At all times there were problems and difficulties, but this is not a reason to abandon the family. You can wait a very long time for ideal conditions for creating a marriage, until you realize that time has passed. It's just that people's values have changed, for people now they are valuable - work, career, money, a decent standard of living, which is often overpriced. There are also many people of rather high income who do not want to start a family at all. Most young people of reproductive age - 20-30 years old - are not married and do not want to be. They think that it is necessary to marry at the age of 40, without denying yourself anything until this age. If earlier there were 20-30 percent of such people, now it is 70%. Young people have a mandatory installation: if they have reached puberty, then there must be certain relationships. It is suggested that sex is necessary for health, and abstinence can, on the contrary, lead to illness and mental disorders. In fact, abstinence cannot be harmful. The classic of psychology, doctor and psychotherapist Viktor Frankl, wrote about this. And the myth about the dangers of abstinence was invented by some unscrupulous people to justify their own “kobelism”. Man, unlike animals, is simply obliged to learn to control his instincts, to subordinate the flesh to the spirit, otherwise he will greatly harm himself and others. This skill is necessary both before marriage and in family life.
Interviewed by Elena Verbenina
· Hieromonk Job (Gumerov). "Fornication is the spiritual disease of our time"
Extramarital affairs are fornication. The union of a man with a married woman or a woman with a married man is considered adultery in Scripture. In the Old Testament, the first biblical book (Genesis), which describes the most ancient period of human history, speaks of fornication as a grave sin and crime: “ About three months passed, and they said to Judah, saying: Tamar, your daughter-in-law, has fallen into fornication, and, behold, she is pregnant from fornication. Judas said: bring her out and let her be burned» (38, 24). Later, the punishment for fornication and adultery was enshrined in the law: Do not defile your daughter by allowing her to commit fornication, so that the earth does not commit fornication and the earth is not filled with depravity."(Lev 19, 29); " If anyone commits adultery with a married wife, if anyone commits adultery with his neighbor's wife, let both the adulterer and the adulteress be put to death."(Lev 20, 10); " Do not commit adultery (Deut 5:18); Can anyone take fire into his bosom, so that his dress does not burn? Can anyone walk on burning coals without burning his feet? The same thing happens with the one who enters his neighbor's wife: whoever touches her will not be left without guilt.<…>Whoever commits adultery with a woman has no mind; he who does this destroys his soul» (Prov. 6, 27-29, 32).
Fornication and adultery are denounced as mortal sins in the New Testament: Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor malakia, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor predators - will inherit the Kingdom of God.<…>Or do you not know that he who has sex with a prostitute becomes one body with her? for it is said, the two shall be one flesh. And he who unites with the Lord is one spirit with the Lord. Run fornication; every sin that a person commits is outside the body, but the fornicator sins against his own body. Do you not know that your bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit who lives in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought with a price. Therefore glorify God in your body and in your soul, which are God's"(1 Cor 6, 9-10, 16-20).
The biblical view of fornication and adultery as a moral abomination is confirmed by history. The prevalence of fornication in society is an accurate indicator that the social organism is seriously and dangerously ill. So it was in Israel in the last century of its existence before the destruction of Jerusalem, in the Roman society of the period of decline; we see similar phenomena now with us. There is an erasure of moral concepts: people do not understand the perniciousness of fornication, they do not know that this sin, like acid, corrodes the moral tissue of the soul.
Sometimes people , periodically falling into fornication say: why loving friend friend cannot get close. Why should this be considered a mortal sin?
First of all, one must clearly understand what sin is and why Divine revelation classifies fornication and adultery among the mortal sins. The Lord God created the world perfect and laid down laws to maintain this primordial harmony. If people violate the laws of the physical world, then there are disastrous consequences - from injuries and injuries to large-scale disasters like the Chernobyl accident. Laws are also given to the spiritual world. There is no chaos. And when, in conditions of mass disbelief, the majority of people do not know and do not want to know the laws of the invisible world, a spiritual Chernobyl arises, the devastating consequences of which we are witnessing. Statistics reveal to us only certain aspects of this tragedy. In our country, about 5 million people suffer from drug addiction. Every year, several million women kill their children by having abortions. Every year about 3 million people commit crimes in the country. There are over 80,000 murders per year. Nearly 80% of marriages end in divorce. There are 5 million street children in Russia.
Outward transgression is preceded by an inward state of sinfulness. Generally speaking, sin is any transgression of the commandments of God: Whoever commits sin also commits iniquity; and sin is lawlessness"(1 John 3, 4). The divine word not only reveals to us the nature of sin, but also enumerates the most flagrant and dangerous of them. Why is fornication included in this list? " Do not be deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor malakia, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor predators - will not inherit the Kingdom of God"(1 Cor 6, 9-10). People who lead a sexual life without marriage pervert the Divine plan for a blessed life union. The Lord blesses this union: what God has joined together, let no man separate» (Mt 19, 6). That is why the holy Apostle Paul so insistently exhorts: We ask and implore you by Christ Jesus that, having received from us how you should act and please God, you will be more successful in this, for you know what commandments we have given you from the Lord Jesus. For the will of God is your sanctification, that you abstain from fornication; so that each of you knows how to keep his vessel in holiness and honor, and not in the passion of lust, like the pagans who do not know God» (1 Thess 4, 1-5).
The sin of fornication is by its nature equivalent to the crime of Adam, which damaged human nature. “It is obvious that the forefathers, having disobeyed God and bowed down in obedience to the devil, made themselves strangers to God, made themselves slaves of the devil. The death promised to them for the transgression of the commandment immediately seized them: the Holy Spirit who dwelt in them departed from them. They were left to their own nature, contaminated with the poison of sin. This poison was communicated to human nature by the devil from his corrupt nature, full of sin and death ”(St. Ignatius (Brianchaninov). A Word about a Man).
We can easily understand why unlawful carnal relations between a man and a woman are a sin if we look at marriage as a God-ordained affair. As soon as the woman was created, God united her with the man by the bonds of legal marriage (see: Gen. 2, 24). It is clear that when people lead a sexual life without marriage, they pervert the Divine plan for a blessed life union. God is the witness of this high vital union. That is why the holy Apostle Paul so insistently exhorts: We ask and implore you by Christ Jesus that, having received from us how you should act and please God, you will be more successful in this, for you know what commandments we have given you from the Lord Jesus. For the will of God is your sanctification, that you abstain from fornication; so that each of you knows how to keep his vessel in holiness and honor, and not in the passion of lust, like the pagans who do not know God» (1 Thess 4, 1-5).
The truth of Holy Scripture is confirmed by history. If a society is spiritually healthy, then its moral values are high and pure. On the contrary, when the spiritual and moral foundation of society turns out to be rotten, then various types of sensual sins spread. For illustration, it is not necessary to refer to classical examples. It is enough to think about the moral state of our society.
The Holy Fathers call any mortal sin (including fornication) a serious illness. Just as a deadly bodily illness suffered by a person weakens the physical health of a person, so mortal sin seriously undermines the ego's spiritual health. Mortal sin inevitably injures the soul and leaves scars. For such a person, even after repentance and pardon offered to God, it is difficult to build a spiritual life. He painfully feels inner weakness. According to St. John Chrysostom: “In the New Testament [the sin of fornication] received a new weight, because human bodies received a new dignity. They have become members of the body of Christ, and the violator of purity already inflicts dishonor on Christ, breaks the union with Him. Lubodey is executed by the death of his soul, the Holy Spirit departs from him.
We live in a terribly corrupted time. Many young people (girls and boys) become victims of the "zeitgeist". However, the entrance to the Kingdom of Heaven is not closed to anyone. Christianity is a religion of resurrection. Not only once fallen, but even harlots not only corrected themselves, but also became saints if they followed the path of achievement. " I am the resurrection and the life; whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live. And whoever lives and believes in me will never die"(John 11, 25-26). Therefore, in order to heal the soul, one must enter into the blessed experience of the Church, resolutely cast aside all fear, trust God, and begin spiritual life in the Church, in her holy saving Sacraments. The main thing is to fulfill the gospel commandments. “When the fornicator becomes chaste, the greedy becomes merciful, the cruel becomes meek, then this is also the resurrection, which serves as the beginning of the future ... Sin is mortified, and righteousness is resurrected, the old life is abolished, and a new and evangelical life has begun” (St. John Chrysostom).
Hieromonk Job (Gumerov)
Tamara Tashkent Men try to find servants for themselves and for bed, everything is free, because if they are left for some time without a woman, then their cave essence immediately becomes visible: there is dirt all around, often booze, random disposable aunts. I'm all for making it clear who is who. And then their mothers or wives will dress them up, feed them, praise them, follow their education and seem to be a positive guy, but in reality - a Neanderthal and a robber. We then need a respected person, a friend of the heart.
Tatyana Kyiv marriage is made in heaven and keeps people out of danger whether you realize it or not. if you want to know more, read the bible
Dasha Moscow Veronica, I already wrote in another topic and now I will unsubscribe to your phrase "what's the difference." The difference is huge. When paternity is recognized by a civil so-called dad, he can at any time refuse paternity, alone! and the certificate of paternity will become VOID. and the daddy will not only not pay 25 rubles of alimony, but in general will NOT be considered a father, and the child will be FATHERLESS. unless, of course, you start suing for many months, looking for him to take tests, pay for a genetic examination, and so on. But if you did not regret 200 rubles and stupidly signed (without a dress, JUST stupidly signed for the sake of the child!), Then this is already an OFFICIAL father, and not recognized by a piece of paper on establishing paternity. And even a divorce, even death - anyway, the child WILL HAVE A DAD. Yes, no one is immune from the fact that a man will find another or that the relationship will simply not work out. But the rights of CHILDREN are truly protected only in official marriage, but not in cohabitation.
an elementary desire to hang out in a white dress at an enchanting party. They think with horror about how they will look in the eyes of their girlfriends - after all, they (oh, horror!!!) did not have a wedding!
Captain Nemo Kraygorod Dear ladies, I believe that we should not confuse sour with fresh. Marriage is a legal transaction and, first of all, the state needs it, so that in the event of a divorce, it would be easier for him to decide what will go to whom.
Evgeniya Kraygorod Responsibility, responsibility... You can directly think that a certificate was issued and a person was even more filled with morality, imbued with morality. I would willingly believe in all this, if not for the huge number of married men who behave like notorious bachelors. According to statistics, 80 percent of men who visit dating sites are married. What are they doing interesting? They are probably discussing their wedding photos. Like it or not, the institution of marriage will gradually die. Women receive education, become more emancipated, independent. But a direct connection has been revealed - the lower the education of a woman, the more she wants to put on various social labels - "wife", "married woman". And family is not the same. Good luck!
Veronika Kraygorod and another follow-up question: what prevents a dishonest dad from getting a job as a watchman with an official salary of 1,500 rubles and paying 25 alimony from them? But to beat out these alimony from your "lawful" husband, with whom you swore love and fidelity in front of friends, relatives and everyone else, in my opinion, is even more humiliating than in front of a civil spouse.
Zoya Kraygorod And earlier he considered me to be who I really was - a beloved woman who lives with him in the same house.
Veronika Kraygorod Now, let me ask. In what way, in a legal marriage, does it protect children in such a way different from civil marriage? As far as I know, children born out of wedlock have the same rights as children of married parents. This is Article 53 of the Family Code, if anything. And if a child's father is recorded in the birth certificate, then this child also becomes his direct heir
Zoya Kraygorod Why should the content change? It's just that in a registered marriage, the form and content come into line and that's it. And responsibility - legal marriage protects not love, but the interests of children. And do not say that if a man is decent, he will not leave, and so on. Everything happens in life, and love passes, and people change, and, sometimes, radically. And the children stay and want to eat, regardless of whether they have a decent dad or not. If you only rely on yourself in this case, then it’s understandable .. You don’t need marriage, and everything else too .. And I don’t want to guess, but I admit that anything happens in life.
Veronika Kraygorod Wow, this topic has come alive! You, Nastya, will not convince anyone with your happy example. Our women do not believe that not everyone lives in the agonizing expectation of a wedding and perceives it as a thing of secondary importance. Our women with their "If you love - get married!" amazing ability to depend on the opinion of society. And they pull their men to the registry office by hook or by crook, if only "as it was with people" ...
Nastya Kraygorod Zoya, I'm going to ask you something and then I'll leave you. Agree, with the appearance of a stamp in your passport, the form of your relationship has changed - they are now regulated Family code, Right? How has the content changed? And what kind of readiness for responsibility in life are you talking about? In my opinion, living with a person, taking care of him, loving him is already a big responsibility.
Nastya Kraygorod Zoya, it’s strange that your husband began to consider and call you his wife only after you were given a piece of paper at the registry office. And before that, who did he consider you interesting? But people are all different, I will not judge anyone.
Nastya Kraygorod In my opinion, these are identical concepts. If the point is only that your husband began to emphasize that you are now "legal", explain what is illegal to be just a beloved woman?
Nastya Kraygorod My opinion is that a civil marriage is good when both are comfortable in it. We live in a civil marriage for 8 years, my son is 3 years old. I feel behind my husband like behind a stone wall, but I don’t feel like a cohabitant either. When we began to live together, we had our own apartments, work with a good salary. We were already accomplished individuals, so the opinion of society and parents was not decisive for us. Many people ask why they still haven’t arranged a wedding. I admit honestly, I’m just sorry to spend money on this dress, in which I will most likely feel embarrassed , on these unfortunate pigeons, on a limousine that is completely unnecessary to me and a chic table where grandmothers will burp at the table))) If a wedding is a dream for a girl, then this is her personal business and she has the right to fulfill her dreams. But! Girls are all different, and when reading articles from your site, it seems that everyone is so unhappy, whining, begging men for a wedding and it still doesn’t work))
Zoya Kraygorod Nastya, how economical you are. And why do you dress and feed the old ladies? Don't you know what other weddings are? My husband and I signed without any pigeons and balloons, sat with close friends in a cafe and left for the sea on the same day. Both pleasant and interesting. And the husband emphasizes all the time that I am his legal wife! And earlier, although we lived in a civil marriage for two years, he never called me his wife.
Zoya Kraygorod Where is the illegality here? there is no such law that forbids a woman to be a concubine of her own free will and not to register a marriage. Like - please. But you yourself wrote that all people are different. Someone likes it, someone does not understand why a man says that he loves, that he will not leave, but at the same time he is ready for anything, just to keep his passport clean. If he doesn't care, then why choose this option, and not another? That's all. I asked my husband exactly that, but he could not find an answer. And he immediately proposed to me. And I like to be a wife both by feelings, and by law, and in the eyes of friends and relatives too. You can of course spit on others, but why spit, huh? And so - everyone lives as he wants - this is his right. I do not condemn those who live without painting. She lived on her own for a while. This was beneficial - they got to know each other, checked for compatibility and for the readiness for greater responsibility in life.
Veronika Kraygorod Zlatena, do you know that you can live in a registered marriage and, in fact, not be a wife. If you have a stamp in your passport, this is not a guarantee that a man will love you and carry you in his arms, this is not even a guarantee that he will sleep with you. And it’s foolish to hope that after a divorce from him, you will simply get rich. Literate people, in fact, even in a civil marriage, draw up property in shared ownership. And about who calls whom what ... People living in a civil marriage also call each other husband and wife - maybe this is a discovery for someone, but in general, this does not require state permission, but a special relationship to friend. And if you live with a man and consider yourself a "cohabitant", then all claims to your man for the quality of life that he provides you.
Olga Kraigorod Let me ask you, Zlatena, what will a woman be left with if her ringed, "legitimate" husband finds another? And what will he call his ex-wife? I had a friend who ex-wife called nothing more than a "b / y-wife", i.e. "ex-used wife". And he remembers her, uttering just such a formulation. Sometimes it happens.
Zlatena Krayhorod so let's look at you, Oksana, how you will live in cohabitation, and then, God forbid, your cohabitant will find another and you will be left with nothing ... and you were essentially NO ONE to him .. and he will not remember you if didn’t want to call you his wife, then he didn’t need you ... And so he “married and left”
Oksana Kraygorod I read the comments and am amazed at the notoriety of our Russian women, who are still running after “stamps” and “statuses”. The most offensive thing is that, looking at people like you, all men believe that the task of all women on earth is to marry them to themselves. What difference does it make what your union is called in legal language and God knows in what other language, if you love a person, he loves you and you live together because you feel good together? Raise the girls' self-esteem, otherwise, in the pursuit of little white plates, rings, ransoms and other garbage, you will miss exactly what they call real feelings.
Ekaterina Kraygorod Yes, that's how it is. When a girl comes to live in a guy's family in a civil marriage, she is considered windy, frivolous, etc. And the boys (civilian husbands) are happy with everything and do not understand that this girl is walking around so frowning?! And anyway, a civil marriage is good, you can check how a person behaves when he relaxes. And now they rarely make an offer, and even in exceptional cases, they ask the girl’s mother for a hand. Because they are poorly educated and there are a lot of show-offs !!! And guys love to delay the wedding! And what?! They feel good: they are fed, watered, cherished, sleep with them, but why a wedding?
Alisa Kraygorod If a person loves, he will not delay the wedding. And if you don’t love, you can live, as they now call a civil marriage, although in legal language it is CO-HABILITY. And a civil marriage is registration in the registry office, but without a wedding in a church. To whom is it beneficial? Of course, young men and they use it very well. When women living in a so-called civil marriage are asked about her status - she says - MARRIED. And they ask a man - he says FREE. That's the whole point.