Julia Gippenreiter. Active listening

You must have heard somewhere about method active listening , but, as is often the case, heard - but can not remember what the meaning is. Of course, there is nothing better than reading books on the subject, for example, K. Rogers "Counseling and psychotherapy", Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter “Communicate with the child. How?", or T. Gordon "Training an effective parent." But if this is not possible, you can learn the method of active listening quickly and without spending time by reading this article.

A bit of history or who invented the method of active listening?

The method of active listening is a technique used in the practice of socio-psychological training, psychological counseling and psychotherapy, which allows you to more accurately understand psychological states, feelings, thoughts of the interlocutor with the help of special methods of participation in the conversation, implying the active expression of one's own experiences and considerations.

Where did this method come from? Active listening was developed by Carl Rogers.- American, humanistic psychotherapist. Initially, Rogers was interested in the problems of child psychology, which was reflected in his book Clinical Treatment of the Problem Child (1939). But his book is best known. "Counseling and Psychotherapy" where the Principles of Rogerian therapy are stated - this is an invaluable acceptance of the individual and his expressions, an open response. This book is the same useful for both the account manager and the parent.

“Four basic elements create the foundation of a profitable and meaningful relationship: the constant fulfillment of obligations, the expression of feelings, the absence of specific roles, the ability to participate in the inner life of another.”

The essence of the method of active listening in communication with the child

To briefly characterize this method: you need to listen and hear more than you are told, directing the interlocutor in the right direction with short phrases. The child should not just speak out, you invisibly participate in his monologue, with simple phrases and repetitions of his own words, only in other words, direct his thoughts towards the analysis of the situation. This accessible and simple method is often referred to as − empathic listening. The main thing is to be able at the moment of listening step back from your own thoughts, feelings, and judgments. This is very important key moment - you should not at the moment of active listening express your own thoughts, express your assessments of this or that event or act of the child. It is from the desire to express one's opinion, to impose one's point of view, to express an assessment of the event - it is so difficult for most parents to refuse. But if you can restrain yourself, the result can exceed all your expectations.

“The father of a fifteen-year-old girl, returning from a parenting class where he was introduced to active listening, found his daughter in the kitchen chatting with her classmate. Teenagers in unflattering tones discussed the school. “I sat on a chair,” my father later said, “and decided to actively listen to them, no matter what it cost me. As a result, the guys talked without closing their mouths for two and a half hours, and during this time I learned more about my daughter's life than in the previous few years! - from book “Communicate with the child. How?".

A few simple rules for active listening

Included attention

Turn to face, make eye contact, do not ask questions when the child is upset (should be in the affirmative form of sentences).

Retelling what you heard in your own words

Express interest. You can repeat after the interlocutor (use other words with the same meaning), in this case after the child, the last words, or nod and pronounce interjections, short phrases: Yes, I understand, this is true, etc.

You can retell what you heard in your own words so that the child understands that you are really listening to him and to clarify whether you heard him correctly.

Daughter: I won't wear that awful skirt

Mother: you feel uncomfortable in it.

The usual reaction of the mother: stop it, it really suits you.

Affirmative Phrases

These are phrases that show that you hear and understand the child.

Son: I will no longer hang out with Petya!

Parent: You were offended by him.

Habitual reaction: Have a fight again?

The secret is that a phrase framed as a question does not reflect sympathy.

Often to the question: “What happened?” the upset child replies: “Nothing!”, and if you say: “Something happened ...”, then it can be easier for the child to start talking about what happened.

Hold a pause

Very important in a conversation "keep pause". The pause gives the child the opportunity to think, and the parent to step back from their thoughts, feelings, assessments and problems.

Label a feeling

In order for the child to become aware of his feelings, he needs help.

Daughter (with a gloomy look): I am no longer friends with Masha!

Mother: You don't want to play with her anymore. (Repetition of what was heard). (habitual reaction: Why?)

Daughter: Yes, I do not want ...

Mother (after a pause): You were offended by her ... (Designation of feelings).

After everything you have heard, it is permissible to express your feelings in relation to the subject of the conversation (It was unpleasant for you - it hurts me very much to hear it, etc.)

At the end of the conversation, you can summarize by asking questions: Did I understand correctly that ...? As a result, we can say that ..., As far as I understood it ..., it was about ..., As a result ....

An example of an active listening conversation

“... Mom puts four-year-old Masha to bed, and the girl asks to sit with her.

DAUGHTER: Mommy, well, a little more, well, a little bit!

MOM: Mashenka, it's already late, all the guys are sleeping.

DAUGHTER: All day alone and alone, I don’t want more!

MOM: You play in the garden with the guys all day ... (Recalls active listening.) You feel lonely ...

DAUGHTER: Yes, there are a lot of guys, but they don’t let mom into the garden.

MOM: You miss me.

DAUGHTER: I miss you, but Sasha Petrov is fighting.

MOM: You're angry with him.

DAUGHTER: He broke my game!

MOM: And you're upset...

DAUGHTER: No, I pushed him so as not to break him, and he punched me in the back.

MOM: It hurt... (Pause.)

DAUGHTER: It hurts, but you're gone!

MOM: You wanted your mother to take pity on you.

DAUGHTER: I wanted to go with you...

MOTHER: Let’s go… (Pause.) DAUGHTER: You promised to take Igor and I to the zoo, I’m still waiting, but you won’t take me!”

What interferes with active listening and what should be avoided in a conversation with a child

orders, commands;
warnings, warnings, threats;
moralization, moralizing, preaching;
ready-made advice and solutions;
proofs, bringing logical arguments, reading notations, "lectures";
criticism, reprimands, accusations;
name-calling, insult, ridicule;
use of guesswork, interpretation;
inquiring, investigation;
sympathy in words, persuasion, exhortation,
joking, avoiding conversation.

As a result, by analyzing the method, we get a simple scheme for communication:

Attention expressed in posture - repetition of phrases - affirmative phrase - pause - designation of feelings - expression of one's perception - results.

Conversation by active listening method very unusual for our culture, and it is not easy to master it.

“How often do we leave children alone with a load of different experiences with our resolute “Late!”, "It's time to sleep", while a few minutes of listening could really soothe a child before bed. ”, - argues in his book Julia Gippenreiter.

It is important to remember one simple rule - any method, read book, theory, technique - will come to life only when you apply it every day. At first, you will have to pull yourself up, correct yourself, so as not to return to your previous, habitual reactions (“what a horror! You broke a vase, and even got hurt!”, etc.) But soon, you will feel how the method of active listening becomes part of your manners. That's when the most real miraculous transformations will begin: relations with children will move to a new qualitative level: understanding each other.

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The foundation on which the development of the child is built

This is the unconditional love of parents (primarily mothers).

If during the first year of a baby's life, the mother responds to his needs, he feels that he is loved. These children develop basic trust and picture of the world "I'm fine, Others/The world is fine"(or: "I am good, Others/World are good").

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When a child grows up, this feeling is supported by friendly looks, affectionate touches, direct words:

I'm so glad to see you,

I love when you are at home

It's good that you were born with us,

I enjoy spending time with you.

It is very important to physically "nourish" the child

Caress, hugs, strokes. In this way, children are not only sated emotionally, but also receive the prerequisites for good physical development.

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I recall an example that, during my studies, a teacher told us at a lecture at the university and which struck me then to the core: premature babies were assigned to a separate ward and, in order to maintain sterility, the staff was allowed to approach them only during feeding hours (times of the USSR). Children have stopped gaining weight. But as the data was regularly recorded, it became apparent that there were sometimes periods when the weight of the babies increased. A simple analysis showed that this always happened during the duty of the same nurse, who was immediately called to "testify". She did not deny for a long time and admitted that, despite the prohibitions, she took them in her arms during feeding and even sang lullabies.

If the baby does not receive the experience of love he needs, affection and care, knowledge of one's own value and uniqueness, then he subsequently turns out to be incapable of self-acceptance, self-approval and love for himself, cannot rely on himself and will seek such support for the rest of his life.

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I foresee the question of parents:

If we unconditionally love and accept a child, does this mean that we should not be angry with him?

5 rules of remarks

Excellent teacher and expert in child psychology Julia Gippenreiter answers this question with the following rules:

Rule one: It is important to express your dissatisfaction with the individual actions of the child, but not a child in general.

Rule two: You can judge the actions of the child, but not his feelings. Since they arose, it means that there were grounds for this.

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Rule three: Dissatisfaction with the child should not be systematic.

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It is clear that when a child grows up and encounters the boundaries of life and other people, with restrictions and requirements, conditional love enters his life one way or another.

Such love is the prerequisite that helps the child to get out of his self-centered position, to see another and gradually prepare for the exit into society.

But conditional love should not replace unconditional love, which fulfills the role of basic acceptance.

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If parents have both types of love, then the child learns and subsequently knows how to maintain stability and good self-esteem even in the event of mistakes or difficult life situations.

Step 1. Try to do a lot more throughout the day address the child with positive statements(approval, support, joyful greeting) than with negative ones (remarks and criticism).

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Step 2. Remember that a child is small, but a person. Do not let him behave worse than you would behave in the company of a friend or a friend.

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Here, parents and teachers are consolidated and a real war with mistakes begins - by the method of assessments, comments and instructions.

And children react very differently to adults “wrong”: some get sad and give up, others get offended, others rebel.

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You need to be very careful when pointing out your child's mistakes.

Firstly, don't notice every mistake. Close your eyes where it is not critical.
Secondly, pick a time for this: not at the moment when the child is recklessly busy with business, and certainly not in the presence of other people. Be tactful.
Third, apply sandwich rule: pack negative feedback between two friendly and positive messages.

However, difficulties and conflicts between children and parents are quite common.

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If the child does not listen

It happens that despite all the efforts of adults, the child stubbornly and regularly does not want to clean up after himself in the room(make bed, wash dishes, etc.).

One of possible causes- to him still difficult do it yourself.

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And then the best way out is to partially help him cope with this matter, over and over again transferring more and more authority and responsibility to him.

But more often behind such stubbornness lies next reason: a spoiled relationship between parents and a child, when everything he does, he does in spite and contrary to.

Parents in this case need to stop and listen - how they communicate with the child.

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How to fix broken relationships?

The so-called "Active Listening Techniques"

Actively listening to your child “return” to him in a conversation what he told you, while indicating his feeling.

And here there are some peculiarities and rules of conversation:

1) Postpone everything. Turn to face the child. If the child is small, sit down next to him - it is very important that your eyes are at the same level.

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2) If the child is upset or upset - don't ask him questions.

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Let your answers sound in the affirmative, denoting his feeling. The fact is that a phrase framed as a question does not reflect sympathy.

For example:

Child: I wrote the test badly today ...
Parent: I see you're upset.

3) Take a break. After each of your remarks, it is best to be silent.

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By silence, you make it clear to the child that you are there. And at this time he can deal with his experience and himself advance in solving his own problem.

Active listening is great in the first place. topic queue, which reduces the strong experience of the child, and he begins to talk about himself more and more. Thus, his relationship with the parent is established.

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By practicing such communication, an adult will also be able to feel how he becomes more sensitive to the needs and sorrows of the child, and this is the way to establish contact and friendship.

At the same time, it is important to be sincerely interested in his life, and don't use method like new way manipulation. Otherwise, the child will feel it and move away even further.

We will talk about manipulations and non-constructive automatic reactions of adults in the next article.

The column is led by:

- psychologist, leader children's center development Advance

optimal conditions for the development in each child of an enthusiastic and creative personality;
talented and experienced teachers, best practices and innovations;
love for learning, knowledge and skills, responsibility, self-confidence and social adaptability of your child.

The causes of a child's difficulties are often hidden in the sphere of his feelings. Then practical actions - to show, teach, direct - will not help him. In such cases, it is best ... to listen to him. However, it is different from what we are used to. Psychologists have found and described in great detail the method of "assisted listening", otherwise it is called "active listening".
Actively listen to your child- means to “return” to him in a conversation what he told you, while denoting his feeling.
Active listening is effective in the following situations: when the child is upset, offended, failed, when he is hurt, ashamed, afraid, when he was treated rudely or unfairly, and even when he is very tired.
Examples of active listening situations:
1. Mom is sitting on a bench in the park, her three-year-old baby runs up to her in tears: SON: He took away my typewriter!
MOM You are very upset and angry with him.
2. The son returns from school, in his hearts he throws a briefcase on the floor, to the question of his father SON: I will not go there again!
DAD: You don't want to go to school anymore.
3. Daughter is going to walk; Mom reminds her to dress warmer, but her daughter is naughty: she refuses to put on “this ugly hat.”
DAUGHTER: I won't wear that ugly hat!
MOM: You don't like her very much.
Most likely, such answers will seem unusual and even unnatural to you. It would be much easier and more familiar to say:
- Well, nothing, he will play and give back ...
How come you don't go to school?
- Stop being capricious, quite a decent hat!
With all the seeming fairness of these answers, they have one common drawback: they leave the child alone with his experience.
With his advice or criticism, the parent, as it were, informs the child that his experience is not important, it is not taken into account. On the contrary, responses based on the method of active listening show that the parent has understood the child's internal situation, is ready to hear more about it, and accept it.
Rules of conversation according to the method of active listening:
Firstly, if you want to listen to the child, be sure to turn to face him. It is also very important that his and your eyes are on the same level. If the child is small, sit down next to him, take him in your arms or on your knees; you can gently pull the child to you, come up or move your chair closer to him. Avoid communicating with the child while in another room, facing the stove or sink with dishes; watching TV, reading a newspaper; sitting, leaning back in a chair or lying on a sofa. Your position in relation to him and your posture are the first and strongest signals of how ready you are to listen and hear him. Be very attentive to these signals, which a child of any age “reads” well, without even realizing it consciously.
Secondly, if you are talking to an upset or distressed child, you should not ask him questions. It is desirable that your answers sound in the affirmative form. It would seem that the difference between affirmative and interrogative sentences is very insignificant, sometimes it is just a subtle intonation, and the reaction to them is very different. Often to the question: “What happened?” a distressed child replies: “Nothing!”, and if you say: “Something happened ...”, then it can be easier for the child to start talking about what happened.
Third, It is very important to “keep a pause” in a conversation. After each of your remarks, it is best to be silent. Remember that this time belongs to the child; do not fill it with your thoughts and comments. The pause helps the child to understand his experience and at the same time more fully feel that you are near. It’s good to be silent even after the child’s answer - maybe he will add something. You can find out that the child is not yet ready to hear your cue by his appearance. If his eyes are not looking at you, but to the side, “inside” or far away, then continue to be silent: very important and necessary inner work is going on in him now.
Fourth, in your answer it is also sometimes useful to repeat what you understand happened to the child, and then indicate his feeling. Sometimes parents have a fear that the child will perceive the repetition of his words as a mockery. This can be avoided by using other words with the same meaning. Practice shows that even if you use the same phrases, but at the same time accurately guess the child's experience, he, as a rule, does not notice anything unusual, and the conversation continues successfully. Of course, it may happen that in the answer you did not quite accurately guess the event that happened or the feeling of the child. Do not be embarrassed, in the next phrase he will correct you. Be attentive to his amendment and show that you accepted it.
It is not at all necessary, when listening to a child, to respond with detailed phrases: when a child, overwhelmed with impressions, says “without closing his mouth”, all he needs is your presence and attention. Psychologists have called this method "passive listening" - passive, of course, only externally. Short phrases and words, interjections, just mimic signs are used here, saying that you are listening and responding to children's feelings: “Yes, yes ...”, “Aha!”, “Really?”, “Tell me more ... ”, “Interesting”, “You said so!”, “That's it ...”, “So what?”, “Wonderful!”, “Well, wow! ..”, etc. short words are also appropriate when talking about negative experiences.
The results that the method of active listening of the child gives:
1. Disappears or at least greatly weakens the negative experience of the child. There is a remarkable regularity here: joy shared is doubled, grief shared is halved.
2. The child, having made sure that the adult is ready to listen to him, begins to talk more and more about himself: the topic of the narration (complaint) changes, develops. Sometimes in one conversation a whole tangle of problems and sorrows suddenly unwinds.
3. The child himself is moving forward in solving his problem.
PARENTS QUESTIONS
QUESTION: Is it always necessary to actively listen to the child? For example, yesterday my son came home in torn trousers. At least he has something, but I am in despair: where can you get them now! Was it really necessary to listen to him actively here as well?
ANSWER: No, you don't. When the child "at least something", and you are worried, then the situation is just the opposite of the one that we had in mind until now. How to react in this case, we will discuss through the lesson.
Another case where you should not actively listen is a question like “Mom, what time is it?”. It would be ridiculous to answer: "Do you want to know what time it is ..."
QUESTION: And how to listen to a child, if there is no time? How to interrupt it?
ANSWER: If there is no time, it is better not to start. You need to have some time to spare. From the started and interrupted attempts to listen to the child, he can only get disappointment. Worst of all, if a well-begun conversation is abruptly ended by a parent:
Vasya, it's time to go home.
“Dad, please, just a little more!”
- You want to play a little more ... (Listens actively).
Yes, we are very interested!
- How much more?
Well, at least half an hour.
- No, it's too much. Now go home!
If such cases are repeated, the child may only grow distrust of the father, and he will begin to evaluate attempts at active listening as a way to gain confidence in him, in order to hit him harder later. Such mistakes are especially dangerous if you still have not had good contact with the child, and you are only taking the first steps.
QUESTION: What if active listening doesn't help? For example, the other day I tell my daughter: "It's time to sit down for lessons." And she answers. “No, there is still time, I don’t want to now.” I told her: “You don’t feel like it now ...” She: “Yes, you don’t want to,” - she didn’t sit down!
ANSWER: This question helps clarify one common parental misconception that active listening is the way to get what you want from your child.
Not at all, active listening is the way to establish better contact with the child, a way to show that you unconditionally accept him with all his refusals, troubles, experiences. For the appearance of such contact, it may take some time, during which the child will be convinced that you have become more attentive to his problems. If, on the contrary, he suspects that you are counting on some new way to influence him "in your favor", then the resistance to your attempts will only increase.

I.A. Galkina (PhD)

Dear Parents! We would like to discuss with you today the method of "active listening". This is a unique communication technique developed and introduced into our culture and into the practice of raising children by the famous psychologist Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter. Active listening began to be used by psychologists abroad, and in Russia this method has become popular relatively recently. In recent years, all more people recognize the effectiveness of this method of communication, which allows for a deeper contact between both parents and children and adults with each other, as well as avoiding many conflicts.

The benefits of active listening, its methods and results are described in detail in the book by Yu.B. Gippenreiter “Communicate with the child. How?" Active listening techniques are needed in order to help your child in those situations in which it is impossible to teach or show. Then there is only one way to help - you just need to listen to him. This is most important when a child has problems expressing feelings and emotions - he experiences fear, resentment, misunderstanding and other negative emotions. Active listening allows parents to show that they are aware of the child's experiences. Often children do not understand what emotions they are experiencing, and it is parents who can more accurately name their children's experiences and help them cope with them. Yu.B. Gippenreiter writes that actively listening to a child means “returning” to him in a conversation what he told you, while denoting his feeling.

For example, to the indignant “He took my typewriter!” you can tell the baby the familiar and seemingly soothing “Well, nothing, he will play and give back.” Or name his feelings: for example, say "You are very upset." But in the first case, you show the child that his feelings are not important, leaving him alone with his resentment. He has to prove that there is something to be upset about - and he continues to cry and scream. The second phrase makes him understand - his mother is with him, next to him, she hears and understands him, shares his feelings.

So, what is the right way to listen to a child?

Name the child's experience

When a child is upset, offended, scared, or simply tired, the most important thing is to let him know that you hear him and know about his experience. To do this, you need to voice what, as you understand, he is now feeling. This is what it means to actively listen. In the parent's response, it is useful to repeat what you understand happened to the child, and then indicate his feeling. Sometimes parents do not immediately guess the cause of the child's disorder, but the children, with their remarks and answers, will direct you to the right decision.

Turn around baby

Look into the face of the child, directly into his eyes, if the child is small, then sit down to him to be on the same level with him. You can take his hand or sit closer to him. The mistake is to listen from another room, turning to the stove or lying on the couch. “Your position in relation to him and your posture are the first and strongest signals of how ready you are to listen and hear him,” writes Gippenreiter. These signals are unconsciously read by a child of any age, and you will not be able to actively listen to him while watching TV or reading a newspaper.

Build phrases in affirmative form

All your phrases should be built in the affirmative form. The fact is that, for example, to the question: “Something happened?”, You will most likely receive the answer: “Nothing.” But the affirmative "Something happened ..." helps the child start his story. The question does not reflect sympathy, and the statement immediately sets the parents on the emotional wave of the child.

Pause

They said a remark and be silent for a while - this will enable the child to better comprehend his experiences. While the child looks to the side, into the distance, it means that he is working through his emotions and experiences. After the child's answer, be silent a little more - suddenly he will add something.

Active listening should be used when the child has emotional experiences, and he cannot express and name them. But if the child himself is actively telling you something, then you don’t need to answer with detailed phrases - just nod your head and insert words like “Aha!”, “Yes, yes”, “Wonderful!”, “Really?”. This will be your passive listening.

Yu.B. Gippenreiter rightly notes that the technique of active listening is very unusual for our culture. But it has a number of advantages. First, you reduce the negative experiences of the child. Secondly, the child begins to trust his parents more and tell them about himself much more willingly. Thirdly, by pronouncing experiences, the child himself begins to better understand his problems and finds ways to solve them more easily. Another positive effect of active listening is its effect on parents. Parents after using this technique note an increase in sensitivity to the needs of the child. They become more tolerant, more calm about the “negative” feelings of the child, they begin to understand what makes him feel bad. When parents use active listening, then children also begin to actively listen to their parents, understand them better, and show more empathy.

Thus, the technique of active listening helps to establish emotional contact with the child, it can be used to resolve his emotional and spiritual experiences. However, parents have a large number of formulaic statements that are passed down from generation to generation, and make it difficult to communicate with children, making it difficult to master new practices.

Barriers to Active Listening

1. Orders, commands:“Now stop it!”, “Put it away!”, “Quickly to bed!”, “Shut up!” etc. In these phrases, the child hears the unwillingness of the parents to delve into his problem, feels disrespect for his independence. In response, children usually resist and are offended.

2. Warnings, warnings, threats:“If you don’t stop crying, I’ll leave”, “Look how it doesn’t get worse”, “Once again this will happen again, and I will take up the belt!”. Threats are pointless if the child is currently having an unpleasant experience. They only drive him into an even greater dead end. They are also bad in that with frequent repetition they stop responding to them.

3. Morality, moralizing, sermons:“You must behave properly”, “Every person must work”, “You must respect adults”. Usually children from such phrases do not learn anything new. They feel the pressure of external authority, sometimes guilt, sometimes boredom, and most often - all together. The fact is that moral principles and moral behavior are brought up in children not so much by words as by the atmosphere in the house, through imitation of the behavior of adults, primarily parents. If the child violates the "norms of behavior", then it is worth looking to see if someone in the family behaves in the same or similar way. If this reason disappears, then, most likely, another one works: your child "goes beyond" because of his internal disorder, emotional distress. In both cases, verbal teaching is the most unfortunate way to help the cause.

4. Tips, turnkey solutions:“And you take it and say ...”, “In my opinion, you need to go and apologize”, “I would hit back if I were you.” Often we do not skimp on such advice and even consider it our duty to give it to our children. Such a position of parents - a position "from above" - irritates children, and most importantly, does not leave them with a desire to tell more about their problem. Children need to make their own decisions - this is their path to independence, so it is very important to give them such an opportunity.

5. Evidence, logical arguments, notations, "lectures":“It’s time to know that you need to wash your hands before eating”, “How many times have I told you! If you don't listen, blame yourself." And here the children answer: “Leave me alone”, “As much as possible”, “Enough!”. At best, they stop hearing us, and what psychologists call "psychological deafness" occurs.

6. Criticism, reprimands, accusations:“What does it look like!”, “I did everything wrong again!”, “All because of you!”. Such phrases usually evoke in children either active defense: retaliatory attack, denial, anger; or despondency, depression, disappointment in yourself and in your relationship with your parent. In this case, the child develops low self-esteem, and this creates new problems.

7. Praise. After all that has been said, the recommendation not to praise the child will probably sound unexpectedly and strangely. To make sense of this seeming contradiction, one must understand the subtle but important difference between praise and encouragement, or praise and approval. In praise there is always an element of evaluation: “Well done, well, you’re just a genius!”, “You are the most beautiful (capable, smart)!”. What's wrong with praise? First, when a parent often praises, the child soon begins to understand: where there is praise, there is also a reprimand. Secondly, the child may become addicted to praise: wait, look for it, and get upset when it is not there.

8. Name calling, ridicule:“Cry-baby wax”, “Don’t be a noodle”, “Well, just a club!”. All this - The best way push the child away and make him more vulnerable or aggressive. As a rule, in such cases, children are offended and protected.

9. Guesses, interpretations:“I know it’s all because you…”, “I suppose I got into a fight again”, “I still see that you are deceiving me…”. This can only be followed by a defensive reaction, a desire to get away from contact.

10. Questioning, investigation:“No, you still say”, “What happened anyway? I still find out”, “Why did you get a deuce again?”. It's hard to stop asking questions. And yet it is better to try to replace interrogative sentences with affirmative ones. We have already talked about this before.

11. Sympathy in words, persuasion, exhortation. Of course, the child needs sympathy. However, there is a risk that the phrases “I understand you”, “I sympathize with you”, etc. sound too formal. Maybe you should just hug the baby instead. And in phrases like: “Calm down!”, “Pay no attention!” the child may hear neglect of his worries, denial or downplaying of his experience.

12. "Joking", avoiding the conversation. This is perceived by the child as a depreciation of the seriousness of his feelings, the indifference of parents to his problems and causes resentment. “Our habitual appeals to the child with advice, admonitions and reproaches are not “natural”, but also learned phrases. But they are like inefficient driving in an old-fashioned car. Psychologists all over the world have spent a lot of effort to improve this design and help parents learn to "ride" in the "better car". The new communication skills that we are trying to master are based on humanistic principles: respect for the personality of the child, recognition of his rights to his own desires, feelings and mistakes, attention to his worries, rejection of the parental position "from above" - writes Yu.B. Gippenreiter in his book.

It is important to note that the proposed method is universal. It can be used not only with children, but also in communication with colleagues, friends, spouses. Everyone is pleased when the other not only listens, but also hears, shares feelings and looks for ways of deeper, more trusting communication.

In our development center "Letitsia" from highly professional and experienced specialist psychologists and educators, you can get more detailed consultations, what is it in active listening method, as well as for any problems associated with difficulties in the upbringing and education of children of any age.

What distinguishes a person from an animal? . Man created language to express his thoughts, desires and feelings to others through it. This is where active listening becomes important. There are certain techniques and techniques of active listening, methods. Using examples, we will consider how it manifests itself, and in the exercises we will show how to develop it.

People rarely hear each other. Unfortunately, the inability to listen to the interlocutor leads to the fact that people do not understand each other, do not find solutions to problem situations, disagree and remain with their grievances. That is why active listening becomes important, when a person understands what the interlocutor is talking about.

It is necessary to be able not only to speak, but also to listen. Success comes to people who know how to hear what they are told. As the saying goes, “silence is golden”. But if at the same time a person is included in the understanding of the words of the interlocutor, then his silence turns into a priceless treasure.

What is active listening?

Speaking of active listening, it is difficult to convey its full meaning. What it is? Active listening is the perception of someone else's speech, in which there is direct and indirect interaction between the participants in the process. A person, as it were, is included in the process of conversation, he hears and realizes the meaning of the words of the speaker, perceives his speech.

To understand another person, you first need to hear him. How can you communicate and not hear the other person? Many people think this is absurd. In fact, most people is superficial and one-sided. While the interlocutor says something, his opponent at the same time ponders his own thoughts, listens to his feelings that arise in response to the words of the speaker.

If you remember, many will note that at the moment when they hear some unpleasant word, everything that is said after it remains unheard. When a person hears a word that is meaningful to him, he focuses his attention on it. He is emotional, while considering what to say to the interlocutor. You may not even notice that the conversation has already gone in a different direction.

Listening is called active only because a person does not focus solely on his own experiences and emotions, but perceives the speech that is said by the interlocutor.

Active listening helps:

Steer the conversation in the right direction.
Choose questions that will help you get the right answers.
Correctly and accurately understand the interlocutor.

In a general sense, active listening helps to establish contact with the interlocutor and get the necessary information from him.

Active listening technique

If you are interested in active listening techniques, then you should read Gippenreiter's book "The Miracles of Active Listening", where he notes the most important role of this phenomenon. If people want to establish effective contacts with close and surrounding people, then they should be able not only to speak, but also to listen.

When a person is interested in the topic of a conversation, he usually joins it. He leans or turns to the interlocutor in order to better understand him. This is one of the active listening techniques where a person is interested in hearing and understanding information.

Other factors that affect effective active listening are:

Eliminate topics that are incomprehensible to the interlocutor. These include accent and speech defects.
Unconditional acceptance of the opponent. Don't judge what he says.
Asking questions is a sign of being included in the conversation.

Active listening techniques:

"Echo" - repeating the last words of the interlocutor in an interrogative tone.
Paraphrasing - a brief transfer of the essence of what was said: “Did I understand you correctly ...? If I understand you correctly, then…”
Interpretation - an assumption about the true intentions and goals of the speaker, based on what he said.

Through active listening, a person empathizes and clarifies information for himself, clarifies and asks questions, translates the conversation into desired topic. This greatly increases the feeling of self-worth if a person is good at communication techniques.

Eye contact says a lot about what a person is interested in:

Contact at eye level indicates that a person is interested in the interlocutor and the information that he gives out.
Looking at the interlocutor speaks more about the interest in the personality of the speaker than about the information that he gives out.
A glance at the surrounding objects suggests that a person is not interested in either information or the interlocutor himself.

Active listening includes head nods, affirmative exclamations (“Yes”, “I understand you”, etc.). It is not recommended to complete his phrases after a person, even if you understand him. Let him fully and independently express his thought.

An important element of active listening is asking questions. If you are asking questions, then you are listening. Answers help you clarify information, help the other person clarify it, or move on to the right topic.

Notice the emotions of the person. If you talk about what you notice, what emotions he is experiencing, then he is imbued with confidence in you.

Active listening techniques

Consider active listening techniques:

Pause. This technique helps to think over what has been said. Sometimes a person is silent, simply because he does not have time to think about something more than he originally wanted to say.
Clarification. This technique is used to clarify, clarify what has been said. If this technique is not used, then often the interlocutors think out for each other what is unclear to them.
Retelling. This technique helps to find out how correctly the words of the interlocutor were understood. Either the interlocutor will confirm them, or clarify.
The development of thought. This technique is used as a development of the topic of conversation, when the interlocutor supplements the information with his own data.
Perception message. This technique involves the expression of thoughts about the interlocutor.
Self-perception message. This technique involves the expression of personal feelings and changes that occur during the conversation.
Message about the progress of the conversation. This technique expresses an assessment of how the communication between the interlocutors takes place.

Active listening methods

Speaking of active listening methods, we are talking about understanding the words of the speaker more than they convey. This is the so-called penetration into the inner world of the speaker, understanding his feelings, emotions and motives.

In everyday life this method called empathy, which manifests itself at three levels:

Empathy is a manifestation of the same feelings as the interlocutor. If he cries, then you cry with him.
Sympathy is an offer of help, seeing the emotional suffering of the interlocutor.
Sympathy is a good-natured and positive attitude towards the interlocutor.

Some people are born with an innate tendency to empathy, others are forced to learn it. This is possible through I-statements and active listening techniques.

To penetrate the inner world of the interlocutor, Carl Rogers offers the following techniques:

Continuous fulfillment of obligations.
Expression of feelings.
Participation in the inner life of the interlocutor.
Lack of character roles.

We are talking about empathic listening, when a person not only listens to what is being said to him, but also perceives hidden information, participates in a monologue with simple phrases, expresses appropriate emotions, paraphrases the words of the interlocutor and directs them in the right direction.

Empathic listening involves silence when the interlocutor is allowed to speak. A person must step back from his own thoughts, emotions and desires. He completely focuses on the interests of the interlocutor. Here you should not express your opinion, evaluate the information. To a greater extent, it is about empathy, support, sympathy.

Active listening methods are discussed on the site site:

Paraphrasing is retelling meaningful and important phrases in your own words. It helps to hear one's own statements from the side or the meaning that they convey.
Echo technique is the repetition of the words of the interlocutor.
Summarizing - a brief transfer of the meaning of the information expressed. It looks like conclusions, conclusions of the conversation.
Emotional repetition - retelling what was heard with the manifestation of emotions.
Clarification - asking questions to clarify what has been said. Indicates that the speaker was listened to and even tried to understand.
The logical consequence is an attempt to put forward assumptions about the motives of what was said, the development of the future or situation.
Non-reflective listening (attentive silence) - silently listening, delving into the words of the interlocutor, since important information can be overlooked.
- establishing eye contact with the interlocutor.
Verbal signs - the continuation of the conversation and an indication that you are listening to it: "yes, yes", "continue", "I'm listening to you."
Mirror reflection - an expression of the same emotions as the interlocutor.

Active Listening Examples

Active listening can be used wherever two people meet. To a greater extent, it plays an important role in the field of work and relationships. Sales can be a striking example, when the seller listens carefully to what the buyer needs, offers possible options, and expands the range.

Active listening in sales, as in other areas of life, is necessary to allow a person to confide in and talk about their problems. When making contact, people have certain motives that are often not pronounced. To help a person open up, you need to establish contact with him.

Another example of active listening is communication with a child. He should be understood, his experiences should be recognized, the problems with which he came should be clarified. Often, active listening is useful in motivating a child to take action when he not only complains, but also receives helpful advice what can be done next.

Active listening is used in all kinds of relationships where the element of trust and cooperation becomes important. Between friends, between relatives, between business partners and other categories of people, active listening is effective.

Active listening exercises

Active listening should be developed. This becomes possible with the following exercise:

A group of people is taken and divided into pairs. For a certain time, one of the partners will play the role of the listener, and the second - the speaker.
For 5 minutes, the speaker talks about a couple of his personal problems, focusing on the reasons for the difficulties. At the same time, the listener uses all the techniques and techniques of active listening.
Within 1 minute after the exercise, the speaker talks about what helped him open up and what hindered him. This allows the listener to understand their own mistakes, if any.
For the next 5 minutes, the speaker should talk about his strengths, which help him to establish contacts with people. The listener continues to use the techniques and techniques of active listening, taking into account his own mistakes made last time.
For the next 5 minutes, the listener must retell everything that he understood from both stories of the speaker. At the same time, the speaker is silent and only with a nod of the head confirms or denies the correctness of whether the listener understood him or not. The listener in a situation of disagreement with him must correct himself until he receives confirmation. The end of this exercise is for the speaker to clarify where he was misunderstood or distorted.
Then the speaker and the listener change roles, all stages go through the new one. Now the listener is speaking, and the speaker is listening attentively and using active listening techniques and techniques.

At the end of the exercise, the results are summed up: what role was the most difficult, what were the mistakes of the participants, what should have been done, etc. This exercise not only allows you to rehearse active listening skills, but also to see the communication barriers between people, to see them in real life.

Outcome

Speech is one of the ways to build relationships and connections. Active listening is a method of successfully establishing contacts between people who are interested in it. The result of its application can please and surprise many people.

The culture of modern communication is quite low. People talk a lot, often not listening to their interlocutors. When silence arises, most often people are immersed in their own thoughts. And when a conversation arises, people try to interpret what they hear in their own way. All this leads to misunderstanding and incorrect decision-making based on the results.

The development of active listening eliminates all problems in communication. Establishing friendly contacts is the initial benefit of this technique.