Good afternoon, I am already an adult woman, I am 31, married for 3 years, and I myself am already a mother (my daughter is 2.5 years old). I was born in a family second child, Eat me elder sister(she is 33). For all 31 years, I hardly remember a kind word or touch .. My mother is a normal woman, she performed all her mother’s duties: feed, wash, scold. I could kiss her once a year on my own birthday .On this day, my name could appear in the postcard even with the ending -chka-, but only on paper, never in my life. Only now I understand that I have never heard the phrase "I love you" from my mother ever. We were not friends with her, we were people who just lived together. Why was I not worthy of her affection, why have I been carrying this all my life? I want to let go of this resentment and pain, but I can’t until I hear the answer why? I can’t ask, not only are we not close, there is an abyss between us all these years. Help me figure it out, help me look at myself in a new way, because it’s very hard to love yourself when you haven’t known this for 30 years. I have a husband who loves me, thanks to him, I know what love is ... I often dreamed that my mother would just hug me, kiss me and say that I am the very best !! With my older sister, things have always been different. All my life they believe and help her .. Until I got married, I had a dissonant surname, they teased me terribly in the class, I also had skin problems and they gave me nicknames. Since childhood, my sister doesn’t love me either, in case of any quarrel, she beat the patient, called me names just like they called me names at school. Mom preferred not to scold her, but simply drag us to the corners. The father never interfered. It was very hard for me when they were humiliated at school, when there was no mutual understanding at home. I thought about suicide many times at the age of 15-16. As an adult, I began to live separately, but my mother preferred to call once a week, while my sister every day (because she has a small child), I am a completely normal woman, school and institute almost with honors, great experience in work (grew up to the head), I don’t smoke and don’t drink, my husband is smart .. but anyway .. my mother doesn’t love me. My daughter is already 2.5, and my mother visited us only 5-6 times .. although we all live in the same city. Why such indifference even to the granddaughter? I was in the hospital, my mother didn’t even call .. although I knew .. I myself had a bad diagnosis since childhood .. I had all the symptoms .. but my mother didn’t go anywhere further than the polyclinics .. I couldn’t stand it and at the age of 15 I went to the hospital myself . When my daughter was 1.5 years old, we were kicked out of the dacha, because. the child often woke up at night and the older sister, who was resting there with her son for 7 years, was unhappy .. everyone had a terrible fight, and my mother and sister began to call my husband to pick me up with the child, although he only brought us (3 days have passed ), and this is 400 km from the city .., I went 30 km by bus to an abandoned house and waited a week for my husband .. and my mother .. didn’t even call .. where did we go? where we are, etc. The father does not interfere. For a whole year I do not communicate with my mother, father and sister. Very painful....
Most dear word in life for every person is a mother. It was for us the source of the most valuable thing - life. How does it happen that there are children and even adults from whom you can hear terrible words: “Mom doesn’t love me…”? Can such a person be happy? What are the consequences in adult life are waiting unloved child and what to do in such a situation?
unloved child
In all literary, musical and artistic works, the image of the mother is sung as gentle, kind, sensitive and loving. Mom is associated with warmth and care. When we feel bad, we voluntarily or involuntarily shout “Mom!”. How does it happen that for someone mom is not in this way. Why do we increasingly hear: “What if my mother does not love me?” from children and even adults.
Surprisingly, such words can be heard not only in problem families, where parents fall under the risk group category, but also in families, at first glance, very prosperous, where everything is normal in the material sense, the mother takes care of the child, feeds him, clothes , escorts to school, etc.
It turns out that it is possible to perform all the duties of a mother at the physical level, but at the same time deprive the child of the main thing - in love! If a girl does not feel maternal love, she will go through life with a pile of fears and complexes. This also applies to boys. For a child, an internal question is: “What should I do if my mother does not love me?” turns into a real disaster.Boys, in general, having matured, will not be able to treat a woman normally, they will, without noticing it themselves, unconsciously take revenge on her for the lack of love in childhood. It is difficult for such a man to build adequate, healthy and full-fledged, harmonious relationships with the female sex. 
How is maternal dislike manifested?
If a mother is prone to regular moral pressure, pressure on her child, if she tries to move away from her child, not to think about his problems and not listen to his wishes, then most likely she really does not love her child. Constantly sounding inner question: “What if my mother does not love me?” leads a child, even an adult, to depressive states, which, as you know, are fraught with consequences. Mother's dislike may arise from different reasons, but most of all she is connected with the father of the child, who did not properly treat his woman, was greedy with her in everything, both in material and in feelings. Perhaps the mother was completely abandoned, and she is raising the child herself. And not even one!
All the mother's dislike for the child arises from the difficulties that she experiences. Most likely, this woman, being a child, herself was not loved by her parents ... It would not be surprising to discover if this mother herself in her childhood asked herself the question: “What should I do if my mother does not love me?”, But she did not look for answers to it and something either change in her life, but simply imperceptibly went the same way, repeating her mother's behavior pattern.
Why doesn't mom love me?
It is hard to believe, but there are situations in life of total indifference and hypocrisy of a mother to her child. Moreover, such mothers can praise their daughter or son in every possible way in public, but left alone, insult, humiliate and ignore. Such mothers do not restrict the child in clothing, food or education. They do not give him elementary affection and love, do not talk heart to heart with the child, are not interested in his inner world and desires. As a result, the son (daughter) does not love his mother. What to do if trust does not arise between mother and son (daughter) sincere relationship. It even happens that this indifference is imperceptible.
The world around the child perceives through the prism of maternal love. And if it is not, then how will the unloved child see the world? From childhood, the child asks the question: “Why am I unloved? What's wrong? Why is my mother so indifferent and cruel to me? Of course, for him it is a psychological trauma, the depth of which can hardly be measured. This little man will go into adulthood squeezed, notorious, with a mountain of fears and not at all able to love and be loved. How should he build his life? Is it doomed to disappointment?
Examples of negative situations
Often, mothers themselves do not notice how they created a situation with their indifference, when they are already asking the question: “What if the child does not love his mother?” and do not understand the reasons, blaming again the child. This is a typical situation, moreover, if a child asks such a question, he looks for a way out with his childish mind and tries to please his mother, blaming himself. And mom, on the contrary, never wants to understand that she herself was the cause of such a relationship.
One example of a mother's undesirable attitude towards her child is the standard school grade in the diary. One child will be cheered up if the grade is low, they say, nothing, the next time it will be higher, and the other will be neglected and will be called mediocrity and lazy ... It also happens that mom doesn’t care about studying at all, and she doesn’t look at school, and she , and will not ask about what kind of pen you need or a new notebook? Therefore, to the question: “What if the children do not love their mother?” First of all, it is necessary to answer the mother to herself: “What did I do to make the children love me?”. Mothers pay dearly for neglecting their children.
Golden mean
But it also happens that a mother pleases her child in every possible way and raises a “narcissus” out of him - these are also anomalies, such children are not very grateful, they consider themselves the center of the universe, and their mother is the source of satisfaction of their needs. These children will also grow up unable to love, but they will learn to take and demand well! Therefore, there must be a measure in everything, a “golden mean”, rigor and love! Always, when a mother, you need to look for the roots in relation to the parent to his child. It is usually distorted and crippled, needs to be corrected, and the sooner the better. Children are able to quickly forgive and forget the bad, in contrast to the already formed adult consciousness.
Constant indifference and negative attitude towards the child make an indelible imprint on his life. Mostly even indelible. Only a few unloved children in adulthood find the strength and potential in themselves to correct the negative line of fate laid down by their mother.
What should a parent do if a 3-year-old child says that she does not love her mother and can even hit her?
This situation is often the result emotional instability. Perhaps the child is not getting enough attention. Mom does not play with him, there is no physical contact. The baby needs to be often hugged, kissed and told to him about his mother's love for him. Before going to bed, he needs to calm down, stroking his back, reading a fairy tale. The situation of the relationship between mom and dad is also important. If it is negative, then do not be surprised at the behavior of the child. If there is a grandmother in the family, then her attitude towards mom and dad is a powerful influence on the psyche of the child.
In addition, there should not be too many prohibitions in the family, and the rules should be the same for everyone. If the child is too naughty, then try to listen to him, find out what is bothering him. Help him, show an example of a calm resolution of any difficult situation. This will be a great brick in his future adult life. And all fights, of course, need to be stopped. When waving at his mother, the child must, clearly looking into his eyes and holding his hand, firmly say that his mother cannot be beaten! The main thing is to be consistent in everything, act calmly and judiciously.
What not to do
The most common question is “What should I do if I am not a child beloved by my mother?” ask themselves already matured children too late. The thinking of such a person is already formed and is very difficult to correct. But do not despair! Awareness is the beginning of success! The main thing is that such a question does not grow into a statement: “Yes, no one loves me at all!”.
It’s scary to think, but the inner assertion that I am unloved by my mother has a catastrophic effect on relationships with the opposite sex. If it so happened that the son does not love his mother, then he is unlikely to be able to love his wife and children. Such a person is unsure of his abilities, does not trust people, cannot adequately assess the situation at work and outside the home, which affects his career growth and the environment as a whole. This also applies to daughters who do not love mothers.
You can’t lead yourself into a dead end and say to yourself: “Everything is wrong with me, I’m a loser (loser), I’m not good enough (good), I ruined (ruined) my mother’s life”, etc. Such thoughts will lead to even more impasse and dive into the problem. Parents are not chosen, so the situation must be released, and mom must be forgiven!
How to live and what to do if my mother does not love me?
The reasons for such thoughts are described above. “But how to live with it?” - the unloved child will ask in adulthood. First of all, you need to stop taking everything tragically and close to your heart. Life is one, and what quality it will be, for the most part depends on the person himself. Yes, it's bad that this happened to the relationship between mom, but that's not all!
You need to firmly say to yourself: “I will no longer allow negative messages from my mother to influence my inner world! This is my life, I want to have a healthy mind and a positive attitude towards the world around me! I can love and be loved! I know how to give joy and receive it from another person! I love to smile, I will wake up with a smile every morning and fall asleep every day! And I forgive my mother and do not hold a grudge against her! I love her simply because she gave me life! I am grateful to her for this and for the life lesson she gave me! Now I know for sure that a good mood should be appreciated and fought for the feeling of love in my soul! I know the price of love and I will give it to my family!
We change consciousness
It is impossible to love by force! Well, okay ... But you can change your attitude and the picture of the world drawn in our head! You can radically change your attitude to what is happening in the family. It's not easy, but necessary. You may need the help of a professional psychologist. If we are talking about a girl, she must understand that she herself will be a mother, and the most valuable thing she can give her child is care and love!
No need to strive to please mom, and anyone else. Just live and just do good deeds. You need to do it to the best of your ability. If you feel the edge, after which an anguish may occur, stop, take a break, rethink the situation and move on. If you feel that your mother again presses on you with an aggressive attitude and drives you into a corner, say calmly and firmly “No! I'm sorry mom, but don't push me. I am an adult and I am responsible for my life. Thanks for taking care of me! I will love you back. But you don't have to break me. I want to love and give love to my children. They are my best! And I'm dad) in the world!".
There is no need to strive to please your mother, especially if in all the years of living with her you have realized that any act, no matter what you do, will be criticized or, at best, indifferent. Live! Just live! Call and help mom! Talk to her about love, but do not tear yourself more! Do everything calmly. And don't make excuses for all her reproaches! Just say: "I'm sorry, mom ... Okay, mom ...", and nothing more, smile and move on. Be wise - this is the key to a calm and joyful life!
- We cannot bear the very thought that a mother may not love us and that it is impossible to love her herself.
- And yet, "unloving" and even internally "destroying" mothers exist.
- Breaking even such a connection is incredibly difficult, but you can try to protect yourself by establishing a distance in the relationship.
“I remember my mother and I went to my former room, where I lived as a teenager,” recalls 32-year-old Lera. - She sat on the bed, crying and could not stop. The death of her mother, my grandmother, seemed to just crush her - she was inconsolable. But I didn’t understand why she was so killed: our grandmother was a real catty. Relations with which, by the way, cost her daughter more than seven years of psychotherapy.
As a result, my mother succeeded in everything: to establish a personal life, to create happy family and even establish a reasonable relationship with my grandmother. At least I thought so. When I asked: “Why are you crying?”, She replied: “Now I will never have a good mother.” So, no matter what, she kept hoping? When my grandmother was alive, my mother said that she did not love her - so, it turns out that she was lying?
Relations with your own mother - at the slightest approach to this topic, Internet forums begin to “storm”. Why? What makes this inner bond of ours so unique that under no circumstances can it truly be broken? Does this mean that we, daughters and sons, are forever doomed to love the one who once gave us life?
social obligation
"I don't love my mother." Very few people are able to utter such words. It is unbearably painful, and the internal ban on such feelings is too strong. “Outwardly, everything is fine with us,” says 37-year-old Nadezhda. “Let’s just say: I try to communicate correctly, not to react internally, not to take anything too close to my heart.” Artyom, 38, choosing his words, admits that he maintains a “good” relationship with his mother, “although not particularly close.”
“In our public consciousness, one of the most common myths is about endless, selfless and bright love between a mother and a child,” explains psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. - There is competition between siblings; there is something in the love of a man and a woman that can darken it. And the affection of mother and child is the only feeling that, as they say, does not change over the years. No wonder folk wisdom says: "No one will love you like a mother."
The very thought “I have a bad mother” can destroy a person
“The mother remains sacred,” agrees sociologist Christine Castaine-Meunier. - Today, when traditional family cells are disintegrating, all sorts of roles - from parental to sexual - are shifting, familiar landmarks are being lost, we are trying to hold on to something stable that has passed the test of time. That is why the traditional image of the mother becomes unshakable as never before.” The mere doubt of its authenticity is unbearable.
“The very thought “I have a bad mother” can destroy a person,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - It is no coincidence that in fairy tales the evil witch is always the stepmother. This speaks not only of how difficult it is to accept your negative feelings towards one's own mother, but also about how common such feelings are."
primordial fusion
Our relationship is dual, contradictory. “The degree of closeness that initially exists between mother and child excludes the existence of a comfortable relationship,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - First, a complete merger: we were all born under the beating of the heart of our mother. Later, for the baby, she becomes an ideal omnipotent being, able to satisfy all his needs and needs.
The moment when the child realizes that the mother is imperfect becomes a shock for him. And the less it satisfies the true needs of the child, the harder the blow: sometimes it can give rise to deep resentment, which then develops into hatred. We all know moments of bitter childhood anger - when the mother did not fulfill our desires, greatly disappointed or offended us. Perhaps you can say that they are inevitable.
“These moments of hostility are part of a child's development,” explains psychoanalyst Alain Braconnier. - If they are single, then everything goes fine. But if hostile feelings torment us for a long time, it becomes an internal problem. More often this happens with children whose mothers are too busy with themselves, prone to depression, overly demanding, or, conversely, always keep aloof.
It will be easier for us to go our own way if we try to sort out our feelings and separate guilt from them.
Mother and child seem to merge together, and the strength of emotions in their relationship is directly proportional to the intensity of this merger. It is even more difficult for single children or those who grew up in an incomplete family to admit to themselves hostile feelings towards their own mother.
“For as long as I can remember, I have always been the main reason for her life,” says 33-year-old Roman. - This is probably a great happiness, which is not given to everyone - but also a heavy burden, too. For example, for a long time I did not manage to get to know someone, to start a personal life. She couldn't share me with anyone!" Today, his connection with his mother is still very strong: “I don’t want to go far from her, I found myself an apartment very close, two stops ... Although I understand that such a relationship deprives me of real freedom.”
Almost none of the adults and even very unhappy children actually dare to burn all the bridges. They deny that they are angry with their mother, they try to understand her, they find excuses: she herself had a difficult childhood, a difficult fate, her life did not work out. Everyone tries to act “as if”… As if everything was fine, and the heart would not hurt so much.
The main thing is not to talk about it, otherwise the avalanche of pain will sweep away everything and “take it beyond the point of no return”, as Roman figuratively puts it. Adult children support this connection by all means. “I call her out of a sense of duty,” Anna, 29, admits. “After all, in her heart she loves me, and I don’t want to upset her.”
In debt from birth
Psychoanalysis speaks of "original duty" and its consequence - that feeling of guilt that binds us for life to the woman to whom we owe our birth. And whatever our feelings are, in the very depths of our souls there is still a hope that someday things can still get better somehow. “In my mind, I understand that you can’t change my mother anymore,” sighs 43-year-old Vera. “Still, I can’t accept the fact that nothing will ever change between us.”
“I lost my first child in childbirth,” recalls 56-year-old Maria. - Then I thought that at least this time my mother would at least show sympathy. But no, she did not think that the death of a child was a sufficient reason for grief: after all, I had not even seen him! Since then, I have literally lost sleep. And this nightmare continued for years - until the day when, in a conversation with a psychotherapist, I suddenly realized that I did not love my mother. And I felt that I have a right to it.”
It seems to everyone, without exception, that we were not loved the way we should have been.
We have the right not to experience this love, but we do not dare to use it. “In us lives a long childhood insatiable longing for good parent, thirst for tenderness and unconditional love, - says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - It seems to us all, without exception, that we were not loved the way we should have been. I don’t think any child had exactly the kind of mother they needed.”
It is even more difficult for someone whose relationship with his mother was difficult. “In our understanding of her, there is no separation between the almighty maternal figure, familiar to us from infancy, and a real person,” continues Ekaterina Mikhailova. “This image does not change over time: it contains the depth of childish despair, when the mother is delayed, and we think that she is lost and will not come again, and later ambivalent feelings.”
Only a “good enough” mother helps us move towards adult independence. Such a mother, satisfying the urgent needs of the child, makes him understand that life is worth living. She, without rushing to fulfill his slightest desire, gives another lesson: in order to live well, you need to gain independence.
Fear of becoming the same
In their turn, having entered into motherhood, Vera and Maria did not object to the communication of their mothers with their grandchildren, hoping that their "bad" mothers would at least become "good" grandmothers. Before the birth of her first child, Vera found an amateur film made by her father during her childhood. A laughing young woman with a little girl in her arms looked at her from the screen.
“My heart warmed,” she recalls. - In fact, our relationship deteriorated when I became a teenager, but before that, my mother seemed to be glad that I was in the world. I am sure that I was able to become a good mother to my two sons only because of these first years of my life. But when I see how today she is annoyed with my children, everything turns upside down in me - I immediately remember what she has become.
Maria, like Vera, took her mother as an anti-model for building relationships with her children. And it worked: “One day, at the end of a long phone conversation, my daughter said to me: “It’s so nice, Mom, to talk to you.” I hung up the phone and cried. I was happy that I managed to build a wonderful relationship with my children, and at the same time I was choked with bitterness: after all, I myself did not get such.
The initial lack of maternal love in the lives of these women was partially filled by others - those who were able to convey to them the desire to have a child, helped them understand how to raise him, love and accept his love. Thanks to such people, good mothers can grow up from girls with a “disliked” childhood.
Looking for indifference
When relationships are too painful, the right distance in them becomes vital. And suffering adult children are looking for only one thing - indifference. “But this protection is very fragile: the slightest step, a gesture from the mother is enough, as everything collapses, and the person is injured again,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. Everyone dreams of finding such spiritual protection ... and admits that they cannot find it.
“I tried to completely “disconnect” from her, moved to another city,” says Anna. “But as soon as I hear her voice in the receiver, it seems to pierce through me with an electric current ... No, it’s unlikely that I don’t care now either.” Maria chose a different strategy: “It’s easier for me to maintain some kind of formal connection than to break it completely: I see my mother, but very rarely.” To allow ourselves not to love the one who raised us, and at the same time not to suffer too much, is incredibly difficult. But probably.
“This is a hard-won indifference,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - It comes if the soul manages to survive that long-standing lack of warmth, love and care, it comes from our pacified hatred. Childhood pain will not go away, but it will be easier for us to go our own way if we try to sort out feelings and separate guilt from them. Growing up is what it means to be freed from what fetters freedom. But growing up is a very long way.
Change relationships
To allow yourself not to love your mother ... Will it make it easier? No, Ekaterina Mikhailova is sure. It doesn't get any easier than this honesty. But the relationship will definitely get better.
“Changing the style of your relationship with your mother will make it less painful. But, just as in tango two people must move in the opposite direction, so the consent to change is required both from the mother and from the adult child. The first step is always for the child. Try to break down your conflicting feelings for your mother into components. When did these emotions appear - today or in deep childhood? Perhaps some of the claims have already expired.
By breaking up a difficult relationship, mother and child will stop poisoning each other's lives and waiting for the impossible.
Look at your mother from an unexpected angle, imagine how she would live if you were not born to her. And finally, admit that your mom can also have difficult feelings for you. When starting to build a new relationship, it is important to understand how sad it is: to walk away from a fatal and unique connection, to die for each other as a parent and child.
Having broken off a difficult relationship, the mother and child will stop poisoning each other's life and expect the impossible, they will be able to evaluate each other more coldly, soberly. Their interaction will be similar to friendship, cooperation. They will begin to appreciate the time allotted to them more, learn to negotiate, joke, manage their feelings. In a word, they will learn to live ... with the fact that it is still impossible to overcome.
Personal experience
Many of them were able to say for the first time: “Mom didn’t love me” by writing a message on the forum. The anonymity of online communication and the support of other visitors help to emotionally detach from relationships that can consume our lives. A few quotes from users of our forum.
“If she read a children's book to me (which was rare), then the name of a bad character (Tanya-revushki, Masha-confused, Dirty, etc.) was replaced by mine, and for better understanding she poked a finger at me. Another memory: we go to the neighbor's girl for her birthday, mom has two dolls. “Which one do you like better? This one? Well, then, we will give it!” According to her, this is how she brought up altruism in me.” (Freken Bock)
“Mom endlessly talked about her misadventures, and her life seemed to me a tragedy. I don’t know whether unloving mothers have some kind of special filter to filter out everything positive, or whether this is such a way of manipulation. But they also see their child exclusively negatively: appearance, and character, and intentions. And the very fact of its existence. (Alex)
“I felt better when I was able to admit that as a child my mother did not love me. I accepted this as a fact of my biography, as if I "allowed" her not to love herself. And she “allowed” herself not to love her. Now I don't feel guilty anymore." (ira)
“The lack of love from my mother greatly poisoned the beginning of my motherhood. I understood that I should be gentle and affectionate with the child, and I tortured these feelings, at the same time suffering from the fact that I was a “bad mother”. But he was a burden to me, just as I was a burden to my parents. And then one day (I hope it's not too late) I realized that love can be trained. Pump up like muscle tissue. Daily, hourly, little by little. Do not run past when the child is open and waiting for support, affection or just participation. To catch these moments and force yourself to stop and give him what he needs so much. Through "I don't want, I can't, I'm tired." One small victory, the second, a habit appears, then you feel pleasure and joy. (Wow)
“It’s hard to believe that your mom really behaved THAT way. The memories seem so surreal that it's impossible to stop thinking about it: was it REALLY THIS? (Nik)
“I knew from the age of three that my mother gets tired of the noise (which I create) because she has high blood pressure, she does not like children's games, she does not like to hug and say affectionate words. I took it calmly: well, such a character. I loved her the way she was. If she was annoyed with me, then I whispered the magic phrase to myself: “Because my mother has hypertension.” It even somehow honorably seemed to me that my mother is not like everyone else: she has this mysterious disease with a beautiful name. But when I grew up, she explained to me that she was sick because I was a "bad daughter." And it psychologically just killed me.” (Madame Kolobok)
“For several years, together with a psychologist, I learned to feel like a woman, to choose clothes not for reasons of “practical”, “non-marking” (as my mother taught), but according to the principle “I like it”. I learned to listen to myself, understand my desires, talk about my needs ... Now I can communicate with my mother as with a friend, a person of a different circle who cannot hurt me. Perhaps this can be called a success story. The only thing is that I don't really want children. Mom said: "Do not give birth, do not get married, this is hard labor." I am an obedient daughter. Although now I live with a young man, it means that I left myself a loophole. (Oxo)
Mother. Two syllables, four letters. But how many songs, warm words and stories are in these letters. How much care or... suffering?
We used to think that motherhood is a kind of image that is inevitably associated with love and tenderness. The very word “mother” in the minds of many has become a kind of metaphor denoting care and affection. As it turns out, not everyone has such associations. You will be surprised, but we are not talking about children from dysfunctional families. We are talking about girls who had a completely normal childhood, a full family, went to a good school. But their childhood is normal in terms of meeting material needs, but not spiritual ones. Now we are talking about those daughters who were never loved by their mothers.
Unloved daughter - how is it?
The mother does not love her daughter - such a formulation hurts the ear. This is no accident. It seems that such a situation is unacceptable in the average family. As it turned out, not everything is so clear. Many daughters live in such conditions all their lives, being afraid to say out loud to anyone: “Mom never loved me.” They hide it: in childhood they make up stories, in adulthood they try to avoid parent theme.
When a mother does not love her daughter, it affects everything further development girls, her formation, her personality, fears and relationships with people.
As a rule, “dislike” is expressed in the absolute emotional detachment of the mother from the child and in the regular moral pressure on the child. Sometimes it can even be characterized as emotional abuse of a girl. How do such relationships manifest themselves?
A logical question: “Why does my mother not love me?”
Often mothers are totally indifferent to children. Yes, they can feed them, give them shelter and education. However, at the same time, the connection between the child and mother necessary for the little girl may be completely absent (this is precisely the model of relations when the daughter can calmly trust her mother and receive support from her, sincere empathy for children's or adolescent problems). But, as a rule, such indifference can be completely imperceptible from the outside.
For example, a mother publicly praises her daughter and boasts of her successes, only this praise is the usual hypocrisy. When the conditional “audience” disappears, the mother not only does not pay any attention to her daughter’s successes, but also constantly underestimates her self-esteem when communicating face-to-face. The unloved daughter becomes a victim who, from a very young age, perceives the world through the prism of maternal indifference or maternal cruelty.
Consider a very simple and at the same time life example. While one girl brings home a “four” in her diary, her mother can cheer her up, instilling in her daughter the hope that the next time the mark will definitely be higher. In another family, a similar situation may end in a scandal, saying “again I brought home four points, not five!”. There are also options when the mother, in principle, does not care how the child learns. Constant negativity, as well as regular indifference, leaves an indelible imprint on the future fate of the daughters and their own future families.
“Mom Never Loved Me”: The Unloved Daughter and Her Adult Life
“What if my mother doesn’t love me?” is a question many girls ask themselves too late. Often it comes to their minds already when the period of cohabitation with their parents is far behind. But it was he who shaped human thinking for many years.
As a result, already adult girls receive a whole bouquet psychological problems based on previous emotional trauma.
Once the question that arose in my head, “Why doesn’t my mother love me?” develops into the life position “No one loves me and has not loved me at all.”
Is it worth talking about the influence of such a worldview on relations with the opposite sex and with society as a whole? Maternal love not received in childhood leads unloved daughters to:
- Lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities. Because of what, a girl or woman simply does not understand that she can be loved by someone.
- Distrust of others. Can you be happy when you can't trust anyone
- Inability to soberly assess their merits and competitiveness. This affects not only communication and healthy life in society in general, but also on careers and areas of interest in particular.
- Perception of everything is too close to the heart. An extremely undesirable quality for any person who wants to achieve success in any life industry. The list can be continued for a long time.
What if my mom doesn't love me?
It is unlikely that the daughter can find a satisfying answer to the question why her mother does not love her. And she is looking for him in herself:
- “something is wrong with me”
- "I'm not good enough"
- "I'm disturbing my mother."
Of course, this approach will only lead to even greater immersion in problems and a decrease in self-esteem and self-confidence. But even having found the answer, it is difficult to radically change the situation. However, you can look at everything from the side.
Yes, parents, like the country, are not chosen. And you can't force love. But you can qualitatively change your own attitude to everything that happens in the family. If you are the same girl who has known all the “charms” of such an attitude on herself, you simply have to carefully work out the picture of the world that was created in your mind. It is worth understanding that not all people are friendly to you solely out of self-interest, and not everyone should be suspected of insincerity. It is not easy. Some cannot even accept the fact that they are valuable to someone. Perhaps, for a reassessment of values, it is worth asking for - this will certainly help to improve life and attitudes towards other people. The main thing to remember is that you yourself will become a mother. And a sincere manifestation of love for your own child is the best thing you can do for him.
Do not seek to please your mother, especially if, over the years of living with her, you have realized that any of your behavior is likely to be perceived indifferently at best, and at worst - with habitual criticism. Growing up without a mother's love is hard. But it is even more difficult to force yourself to change the pattern of your behavior. Even if your mother never loved you, she deserves respect for your upbringing, but not constant worries. Your task is to set yourself up to overcome ingrained scenarios and increase your own value in your eyes. Many unloved daughters were able to improve their lives by growing up. And you can, if you realize the root cause of your psychological problems. And it lies precisely in your question: “Why does my mother not love me?”.
Dear adult girls, have you ever thought about how you feel about your mothers and what words you say to them? Here I am, a mother who loved her daughter immensely, spoiled, kissed, took all the affairs on herself and what did she get? Now I also continue to clean, wash, cook, and not only for an adult daughter who knows only her job, but also for granddaughter. I can't live without my girls! But it's all my fault, no matter what happens. I don't hear from my daughter kind words, and only orders. My granddaughter communicates well with me when my mother is not at home. But if my mother is at home, she begins to say bad words to me, push me, beat me (she is still small), apparently to please her mother. Naturally, my mother immediately blames me , which means I myself said something wrong and did it to the child. And all this in the presence of a girl! He is raising a chameleon, which will adapt to the circumstances. It is very insulting and hard to live like this. At the same time, I have heard from my daughter more than once that I am needed while the granddaughter is small, and then "you will live alone in old age." Yes, and not only I heard this ... Of course, after this I am no longer an angel either, I can say something in response. We tried to figure out the relationship with our daughter once and for all, to leave everything bad in the past, but, unfortunately, nothing happens .... That's how we live.
My mother is completely inadequate. Sometimes I think that she has something wrong with her head. Sometimes she harasses simply because she was bored. He has fun humiliating his daughter. God forbid this happens to your daughter. She herself is useless and unfulfilled. Even I don't need it now since I realized that she never loved me.
No. It's impossible to forgive. My awareness of dislike came at the age of 26. Until this year of my life, I forgave her everything. At 26, something happened in my life. And she turned away. Most close person took and turned away from me when help was needed. Then I realized that I didn’t need it at all in her life. And unloved in general. My brother has always been a favorite. Right now I'm 35 years old. I'm very angry at her. For all. We live in different cities. I call her for a mark every 2 months. And hearing how much she loves me and misses me very much, that it would be nice to be there (and she was more than once - everything was as usual - humiliation insults), I just grin at these words to her. I don’t smile and I’m glad that she loves me, but I grin.
Because now I don't believe. For me, these are empty words. And yes, I need to prove love by deeds, not by words about it. I even forbid my husband to just tell me that he loves me! Like this! Well, what are you ready to forgive and believe, many years after the REALIZATION of dislike, that your mommy, it turns out, loved you all her life and did it for your own good ?! Hardly.
But what if the mother still does not accept. I am 43g insults, humiliation, constant insults and claims, how much money you don’t give, whatever you do, everything is small and bad. I don’t love anymore, but I can’t stop communicating - my mother has grown old and her relationship with everyone is ruined. I call, I go, I apologize, another heavy “slap in the face”, after that I scream a small child, husband and so on in an endless circle.
no need to ask for forgiveness if you are not guilty .. asking for forgiveness from a mother who does not love you means giving her a sense of power over you. Don't apologize without guilt.. don't
Difficult topic. I know how many unloved daughters there are in the world. Many friends shared with me. I myself am in the same position. Childhood years, when the father was in the family, are excluded. Then he went to a younger and more attractive one. Finally accusing my mother of cheating. It doesn't matter if they were or not. But I, the fat daughter, had to pay for the insult. If she had not given birth to me, then her husband would not have left. She considers herself the best. The culprit of the gap in her eyes was me, an eleven-year-old girl. The attitude towards me immediately changed. Constant screams, insults with abusive words, everything is not like that - I stand, walk, hold my hands, look ... Every day, swearing and even beatings. Over time, this attitude changed to a constant demand for money, leveling my successes and constant slander to others. It was necessary to maintain the image of the "enemy" in the family. Making excuses in front of everyone is a waste of time.
Despite the difficulties, I think that in life I took place. True, I had to turn to a psychologist. Caring for a mother of 11 (eleven) years after strokes. I try to forgive, but I can't. With age I realized its cruelty. And a person, despite illness and helplessness, does not change. Claims and swearing have not gone anywhere
My mother loved only my brother, and I am the eldest "somehow." The demand from me was different, they brought me up with a “whip”. Now I am 37. I am a successful, wealthy woman, my brother, 30 years old, is a helpless man with an undeveloped life. I forgave my mother a long time ago. I love her very much and am grateful that I have her - alive and healthy. But I am not affectionate at all, I understand this and cannot remake myself, it is imbued in me. Dear mothers, love your children, but in moderation.
My mother, too, when I was small, was constantly dissatisfied with me, was constantly furious if I did everything the way I wanted ... Many years later, I understood why she behaved this way, because as a child she could not even say her opinion, because she always did what her older sisters and brothers told her and she did not dare to disobey.
And as for the fact that this may be reflected in the future, I believe that it depends on the person himself, because everyone builds his own life, he is the master of his life. We must forgive and let go, because it is not in vain that they say that the humpbacked grave will fix it. And most importantly, stop blaming, you need to live in the present.
Now, I have a great relationship with my mom. I forgave her because I understood why this attitude was towards me.
My mother loved only her older sister. She closed me and went for a walk with her sister. When I learned to walk, I found a jar of kerosene from thirst and drank it. Always, all my life I wanted her to love me. As a child, I brought her any yummy. This is a trauma for life. The sister is selfish, beloved. The most annoying thing is that I often heard from her that she and her sister crawled under the train, and I stayed on the other side, the train started moving. Mom said that if I climbed after them, I would be cut. protected me. When she died, I helped wash her and told her - I FORGIVE YOU.
I support Miroslava - this always remains: “you didn’t deserve it”, “you are the worst, others have children, and why are you like this to me” - and then there are a lot of words, what, I just don’t want to repeat ... And you always prove, you deserve ... She to I understood old age, but only I was almost old by that time, and it’s no longer necessary. It just keeps hurting. Mom, Mom, where have you been all my life ...
Everything is said correctly. Mom's dislike is a curse that haunts you all your life. And it's not about self-realization in professional activities, but about finding your love. When, even realizing that love is a given, you still try to deserve it. Because you can’t do otherwise, because you have been told all your life that you are not loved for this, this and that. From childhood you were taught to deserve love and not someone there, but the person whose love is taken for granted, a given, not a merit. Problems in personal life are a consequence of mother's dislike. And this is natural, because if you are not loved by the most native person"Mom, who's going to love you anyway?"
I appeal to adults, unloved and unhappy daughters! Or maybe you need to ask yourself a question: “How capable am I of giving warmth and love to a mother? Am I overstating the requirements for her? ”After all, she simple woman, with its pluses and minuses, joys and problems, with a developed or not very ability to express their feelings. Who needs this picking in relations with the mother? With an emphasis on blaming her and selflessly reveling in the topic: “My mother doesn’t love me?” Try to build your wonderful relationship with your children. I think that you are sure that you can do it. What do they think of these relationships? Adult daughters! Be wise and truly mature!
All that is possible is to understand that the way you imagined an ideal family there = your personal idealization. Why do you insist on it, especially in adulthood?
After all, you have seen cases of such treatment, or drunkenness in the family, or when one everything to the child the other is nothing!
Say: "It happens too! And I don't know how to do it alone!" Your idealization has collapsed (created by you), based on nothing. You see that reality does NOT match your expectations, but you insist on your own. WHY ???
They took note that this also happens, they said: “All people are different, I allow them to behave as they see fit or right, depending on their moral attitudes.”
As long as you rush about with your experiences like this, and also build internal dialogues with such people, it will be so.
They behaved like that, and what about you?
In any case, you will not solve the problem. However, you can forgive. How is it? Yes, just recognize the right of others to lead as they want.
We can say that we can set deadlines for correcting the situation. No? So no. Everything, there is nothing to discuss. You can't change anything else.
Yes, Zoritsa, of course, all people are different and have the right to behave as they see fit. But in this case, we are talking about the behavior of the mother - and after all, this behavior forms the personality of her child. And no matter how much later this grown child does auto-training, no matter how much he understands and forgives his mother, no matter how much he cultivates self-confidence - all the same, huge complexes from childhood, only driven deep and far away, will remain for life, breaking it . Therefore, of course, it is necessary to “let go” of all past grievances, but at the same time it is also necessary to realize that, by and large, nothing can be corrected. Under the condition of constant work on oneself, one can only more or less successfully pretend that “everything is fine, beautiful marquise” ...
And even as a child, I was able to say to myself: “It’s not me that’s bad, but you! ...” And I stopped paying attention to criticism from my mother ... let her talk! Otherwise I would just go crazy! She did what she considered necessary and did the right thing! Yes, what would happen to me if I listened to all the criticism addressed to me and took it to heart? I am now very mature, but even now, every time I meet my mother, she will “perform” something. And already as an adult, I often ask myself the question: “What did I do wrong as a child?” She studied well at school, graduated from the institute and got a profession, she was always in good standing at work ... What's wrong? Mystery of the human soul.
If I didn’t pay attention, I wouldn’t ask myself the question of what was done wrong? And what did he do wrong there, and for whom, everything is software. And so you just ASSURE yourself to yourself that everything is good with you, you don’t feel it, but you assure. You had everything, you have it, and, for sure, it will be fine, why is she still not happy with you and, finally, she won’t fall in love with you and rejoice with you in your successes?! Yes, what's wrong? Damn it!
As they say, the humpbacked grave will fix it. For all my actions, I hear only words of condemnation from my mother. And I'm 43 years old. I told her that I would no longer share and tell her nothing. Did not help. Therefore, I constantly argue with her, defending my point of view. Tired. I just try to communicate with her less often, take care of myself.
my mother never loved me, although I am an only child .. unfortunately I realized this late .. at the age of 35 .. actually I understood a long time ago, I took it for granted at 35 years old .. it is very difficult to understand that your mother does not love you .. who did not pass - will NOT understand .. in this moment I’m 48 and my mother will always find a negative answer to every phrase, up to insults, if she didn’t find other words .. besides, she is jealous of how I live and work so much that she doesn’t want my family to prosper .. she thinks that it’s better, more beautiful and more worthy of the life that I have .. when I buy myself (husband or daughter) food, things or shoes - she criticizes everything .. but then I find a sweater or jacket hanging out of place or trousers with a stain .. she always tried to wear my shoes until I stopped buying shoes with low heels.. she can’t wear a hairpin.. when I cook food, she criticizes how I cook and doesn’t eat.. but at night we caught her eating from a frying pan.. adjusts father against me and now he also does not eat the food I cooked .. by the way - we live with my parents and my husband realized that my mother does not love me, before me herself .. at first he was tactfully silent, and lately he has to protect me from attacks of my own mother .. how to let it go ??? how to forgive???